"I also would have missed that special Easter Sunday while my mother was in the kitchen preparing salad, and my father was in the living room watching some strip-a-thon, and my mother was chopping carrots oh so deliberately and forcefully while muttering, "Porn on Easter Sunday! Christ died for our sins, but he's obviously gonna have to die a few more times to keep up with you, Ray!" under her breath. Porn is absolutely hilarious."
I had to go into the bathroom after I read that, I was giggling so bad.