So here's Steve's Gruesomely Simple Guide On How To Behave On Bonfire Night!
1) If you light a firework and it doesn't go off, don't walk up to it and look down on it to see why it hasn't gone off. It's not a malfunctioning hose in an episode of Last Of The Summer Wine, you nimrod. It might go off and if you thought that the old phrase 'This could take your eye out' was a load of old bollocks, then try nutting a Skyline Spectacular.
2) If you see a bonfire that has been constructed with a view to later being set on fire, do NOT play in it. What will most likely happen is that you will probably become trapped, get burned alive, and then your death will probably be made into an American TV movie starring William Devane and Nicolette Sheridan. Mmm, Nicolette Sheridan.
2) a) If you must play in a bonfire, at least take your mobile with you. "Guess what? I'm trapped in a fucking bonfire. Yes, again. Well I haven't read that copy of Reader's Digest yet!"
3) Do not under any circumstances throw fireworks. Unless it's at trains. Because they're going to break down anyway.
3) a) If you see other people throwing fireworks, at anything other than trains, then inform the nearest police officer immediately. If there isn't a police officer nearby, and if you live in south Manchester there definitely won't be, then you might as well join in. Heads up!
4) Keep all pets indoors at all times. Particularly budgies. Obviously.
5) Do not throw aerosol cans on to a bonfire. Unless it's Old Spice. Even a can propelled at several hundred miles an hour into your face does less damage than a spray of that shit.
6) Do not use flammable liquids to light the fire with. Particularly Special Brew. Similarly, never light a cigarette near a tramp.
7) Do not read the instructions on a batch of fireworks with a naked flame. If you want to blow yourself up, use a flaming torch instead as it will be much faster.
And there you go. Happy burning!