October 16th, 2008


(no subject)

apiphile explains the situation.

I was listening to something recently that described England as "America's tag-along kid brother", and I thought, no, it's really the other way around.

England's like America's alcoholic older brother who used to be a successful businessman until he got exposed having killed a hooker* and his company got liquidated and now he shows up at family parties shitfaced and tries to dole out helpful advice to his aggressive and ambitious (but occasionally dumb) little brother but doesn't always give him the right advice because he's old and alcoholic and afraid his little brother will hit him with a chair, which his little brother does at the slightest provocation**.

And England's like, "seriously, listen to me, I've been where you are, I made those mistakes," and America's like, "fuck you, you're an alcoholic and you have old shoes and you piss yourself", and England's like, "once, I did that once! ONCE. I still argue with France -" and America's like, "France is an alcoholic too. I've seen your petty business ventures. Shut up and help me tip some cows, there are definitely cows in this field***."

And England's like, "Okay, I'll come tip cows with you those look suspiciously like chickens."

And America's all, "THEY'RE COWS IF I SAY THEY'RE COWS."

And England's tipping chickens next to America muttering, "I only came along to make sure you didn't do somethig stupid like burning your own face off with grain alcohol****."

And then America burns its own face of with grain alcohol, AND England's, and then their successful but slightly creepy cousin China won't drive them to hospital because they brought it on themselves by being dumb and England's all, "I can't believe Dad thinks you're the good kid" and America's all "shut up until you can afford shoes".

* For "killed a hooker", please see, "stole many countries and committed atrocities against the native populations of said countries while exploiting their natural resources and allowing said populations no say in the running of their own lands", or "like Iraq, but successful"
** See "John McCain" and "belligerent is not the same as intelligent, motherfucker".
*** See "invade a country that doesn't have weapons of mass destruction, looking for weapons of mass destruction"
**** "cause a catastrophic global economic meltdown"

QWP, Context can't find its shoes.