June 28th, 2007

pwn

spammityspam creates a Boyfriend Application. 99% effective against driveby leerings!


"1. Your Name. I did not feel this question could really be improved upon. I guess be sure to include all titles?
2. Your Age. Please do not apply if your children could be, in accordance with statewide ages of consent, older than I am, or if you cannot buy a ticket to a rated-R movie.
3. List of All Crimes, Both Misdemeanor and Felonies. State law impedes me from discriminating on basis of criminal history, but it sure won't help. Unless they were really cool.
4. List of All Mental Disorders, Diagnosed or Suspected. Be honest! I'm trying to save you the price of dinner and a movie here.
5. List of Diseases, Diagnosed or Suspected. Embarrassing skin conditions and bowel irritants are still welcomed. Festering genital cysts are not.
6. Location. Please do not live more than 30 miles away. As the girl in this situation, I will fall back on the examples of American patriarchy and make you drive.
7. Whatchu Look Like, Anyway? You must have showered in the last 48-hour period. Each additional three hours without a shower will deduct one digit from my phone number.
8. Musical taste. This is really only important insofar as you will not sing Styx in an attempt to be romantic or taunt me about my inferior musical taste. Music elitism: the new man's artificial penis enhancement.
9. And, most important, Are You Already Attached? Boys, this may be hard to believe, but the average lady does not think polyamory is a fabulous idea. Try to limit your emotional baggage to a small carry-on.

The rest of the questions I have cut as unnecessary, except for one small one:

10. Will I Ever Have to Put the Lotion on My Skin, or Else I Get the Hose Again?

Thank you and good night."

Context has had just about enough of MySpace's invasion of Facebook.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
PR || Cosmos

careena muses on modern English.

Also, "infertile" needs to go back to "barren." "Barren." That word just sounds so much better when it's shouted. Especially by 1800s Yorkshiremen in puffy Morris Dancing shirts.

MAN 1: "Aye, set her back to the plow. Ye 'll get no good o' her...she's BARREN!"
MAN 2: "And 'er husband be flaccid! Aye, flaccid as moy own pair of floppy peasant shoes."
MAN 1: "Oh, those be lovely floppy peasant shoes. Where came ye by those?"
MAN 2: "Oh, twas yon Nieman Marcus. Spending a week's income on uncomfortable shoes makes me feel attractive-like."
MAN 1: "Aye, this new strategy of making both genders feel insecure be economically hard."
MAN 2: "Ugh, don't say 'hard,' it reminds me of moy own inadequate John Thomas. Let's go to market and fill the ox cart with beauty products!"
MAN 1:
(In agreement.) "Arr!"

Context thinks you are all pathetic.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy