May 27th, 2007

Wisdom Gynecological Detail

The script Gladiator *should* have had.

The astonishing breklor proposes what is surely the best film concept ever:

"So the other day I mentioned the Creationist Museum where dinosaurs are depicted as coexisting alongside human beings.

I realized the main reason why I know it isn't true, or at least the reason why they couldn't have been around as late as Jesus' time: the Roman Empire. Because dammit, if the Romans had had access to dinosaurs, they woulda had twelve-year-old boys fighting as mounted skirmish archers on Deinonychus (the only dromaeosaurid big enough to carry an adult was Utahraptor, and its name should tell you why the Romans wouldn't have had access to it). And they woulda had ceratopsians mounting ballistae, and trained packs of hunting raptors, and sauropods being used as huge armoured archery platforms and siege weapon carriers. And there would have been one or two recorded instances of tyrannosaurs being employed on the battlefield as random weapons of terror, or in the Colosseum against packs of slaves.

Let's face it: if dinosaurs had existed during Jesus' time, we'd all be speaking Latin now. This is, of course, assuming that Alexander hadn't employed them in place of his silly war elephants, in which case we'd be speaking Greek. (And then the dinosaur names might be exactly the same as they are now, what with them mostly having Greek roots and stuff.)

And this all brings me to the best movie concept EVAR: Raptors of Rome.

I have no idea what the plot should be like, but it would involve the Roman military. Maybe some kid's rise to power, through the ranks of the raptor archers to the height of general, through betrayal and suchlike. And at intervals we'd have to see some kickass battle scenes. We couldn't lose! It's like, if Gladiator and 300 had sex in the back of a '57 Chevy, this is what you'd get."

Context wants Julius Caesar on a giant ornithomimid right here.