Metaquotes

Over on fanficrants, innocentsmith posts about running into an adult Dr. Suess fic.

zylly responds with:
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mollyx has a new baby and is stressed out:

Oh, and I've decided to hold my child for ransom.
Allow me to explain.
Anyone visiting the baby can look at him.
You want to hold him? Bring food.
A simple main dish (i.e. meat)? Gets you twenty minutes.
A side dish? gets you ten.
Dessert? Fifteen.
Dessert w/ chocolate? Half hour.
A complete meal w/ side dishes? Carte Blanche.
Anything with tofu? take a quick look and then go home.

Yes, he's just that cute.

Context doesn't have time to cook, quoted with permission.

fenixinthedark > Gandalf the Grey/White, based on the following evidence:

He sucked. I'm a better spell caster when I cast "control teenager" with the power words "GIVE ME THE CELL PHONE!"

Context shall not pass.

wretchedbabydol's apartment was decorated much against her will:

"Some holiday elf vomited all over every surface I HAVE"

Context is beginning to puke a lot like Christmas.

Locked, QWP.

avahgdu is now, in his late 30's, learning to make coffee the old fashioned way...

"The can said one well rounded tablespoon per six ounces of water. So, thinking it looked like too much, I shorted it by two tablespoons.

And I still made coffee so strong it will stand up, smack your face, and tell you that your parents were never married."

Context has jittery hands and can't sleep. QWP.

kalquessa has recently started watching Stargate:

"Why is it that whenever aliens tune into Earth television, the only thing on is reports about war, rioting and murder? Don't aliens ever turn on the tube and discover cartoons? Jeapardy? "Growing Pains" reruns? On the other hand, if the message behind this sort of thing is "We should broadcast less World news and more cartoons," I'm all for that. It might also be wise to pull "Dog: The Bounty Hunter" from the air effective yesterday, because seriously, if I were an alien and that show was my first impression of humanity, I would toast Earth without even bothering to channel surf first."

Context also includes a parody script. (QWP)

From thread of summerrose's on the planetary hanukiyah:

[Christmas lights] are cheap camouflage too. I once did an experiment where I made a USAF C130 Hercules completely invisible with Christmas lights. I had this idea that if I could make the luminance of the plane match the luminance of the sky it could fly undetected. I needed to cover one side of the plane with an array of small lamps. The lamps needed to be small enough and the plane far enough away so that the individual bulbs would not be resolvable. We pulse width modulated the bulbs so that their color temperature wouldn't change and optimized the luminance by varying the duty cycle. We hot melt glued the lamps at a density of 1 per square foot. We used the C130 because it is big and slow (so the Christmas lights wouldn't fly off). Anyway, it worked like a charm.

I imagine today you could build-in an array of white LEDs or perhaps "paint" the plane with quantum dots.

Sorry if I bored anyone along the way.

-v-

P.S. My wife just informed me that she now wants to hot melt white Christmas lights on me, plug me in and make me disappear.

In this post, seditiouscanary discusses some serious problems with his cat:

'"So the cat is broken. It's the weirdest thing. You put a rug or sheet on the floor and the cat will side about 24 inches from a corner instead of the center. Does anyone know how to recalibrate the cat? I have tools."'

Slash: a pastime the entire family can enjoy together. Mrs P from Bedford says, "Gay porn has brought us all so much closer as a family. Sometimes we just switch the television off and Father reads us fanfic about BDSM and anal sex!"

Context is slash-friendly.