September 13th, 2006

curvy angel

Laughter: the new way to warp your kids

fonda5150 provides this handy quiz to assess your parental fitness:

What do you do when you find a porn video under the socks in your son’s dresser drawer?

a.      Start reading anything you can find on sex offenders because you heard that Ted Bundy started out that way.
b.      Nothing, you’re too embarrassed.
c.      Re-label the video A Walk To Remember, put it on a shelf in his room, and then take bets with your husband on how long it will be until his girlfriend discovers it.

Context is looking for new targets...
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agreenbunny discusses theology

1. While cruising the same two aisles of Target over and over, looking for Tupperware with no success, I heard a boy freaking out and his mom screaming at him to settle down. As I passed the end cap of the aisle, she knelt down and pointed a finger at him and said, simply, "STOP." Without even thinking, I muttered "HAMMER TIME!" Her head swiveled towards me slowly and evenly, like one of those raptors from Jurassic Park, and I got the hell out of dodge.

2. While cruising the aisles of the grocery store, I stumbled into the health food section and saw a sign that said 'Diabetes Depot'. I spent a good three minutes imagining a bunch of pancreases (pancreai?) gathering at a bus station, and I cackled like a toothless hag.

3. When a smart-aleck coworker responded to my comment of what year I started kindergarten with "Wow, I thought you were older than that" and Fundie Frank cackled in appreciation, I stared at him and said "We liberal heathens age faster." He looked all nervous. I wish I could make my eyes glow red.

Context is going to hell.
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Public Relations Department

Mobster funeral customs?

I had a moment of consternation when I saw a woman pull up outside of a funeral home and then get out and open her trunk. I told myself an amusing little story of how it was a funeral home for gangsters (Uh, Tony here, he fell on a bullet. Make him purty.)

iisz gave permission, but don't let the feds hear, yanno?
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(no subject)

scoradh discusses her knowledge of American history:

Then again, my knowledge of American history is thus: you threw some tea in the ocean, there were Indians, you weren't very nice to black people, and you put flags everywhere.

Castle - Writer

elvishtard talks about Pluto

Original post is here. It is flocked and I did get permission. :)

dustagorn: Dude, they are just fucking Pluto's shit up!

elvishtard: i know!
elvishtard: Pluto's totally gonna comit suicide and slame itself into Neptune.

dustagorn: I mean, one day, Pluto's just sitting there eating fritos and watching Spongebob and then BAM. "Yeah, Uh...Pluto? Hey, buddy! Uh we got some bad news...I just got off the phone with the-Oh this is the Steve from Earth. And I just got off the phone with the Planetary Council of Elders and uh...well...I'm afraid you've been let go."
dustagorn: "Yeaaaah., we're gonna have to...change your name. Huh? Yeah. you're a number now. But we'd sure like to thank you for all your years of service as a planetary body and we'll be sending you a decorative plaque in about a month. It should get there in about...250 years, I think. So...ya know. Have a good one buddy!"

elvishtard: "In other InterGalatic news: Pluto comitted suicide today by spinning off its axis, slamming into the far right side of Neptune, at 6:45 this morning. Sources found this note at the scene: 'I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE! THEY'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME!!' The note was stained with Jack Daniels and burned by stale cigarette butts. Pluto will be laid to rest on Friday. Neptune remains in the hospital...since Pluto completely fucked up his right side. He remains in stable condition."

dustagorn: and you KNOW Pluto's just like "Aww! What the FUCK!"
dustagorn: LOL

elvishtard: LMAO
elvishtard: stupid fuckin' Earth.
elvishtard: atleast they could have given him a l33t number name that STILL looked like Pluto

dustagorn: I know

elvishtard: all P7UT0

dustagorn: |D {_ (_) t 0

How to warp your son for life when you find his porn stash:

petalsinthewind has his own solution:

I plan on screwing up my children with terrifyingly mixed messages. "I understand: You're growing up. You have natural urges. Of course, if you ejaculate sperm for any reason besides reproduction, the cumulative half-lifes will come together as a faceless abomination that will force itself back up your penis to impregnate you and then give birth to itself, ripping you apart as it does so. Remember, use a condom."

Don't be silly, context your willy!