May 22nd, 2006

Steeplechase

“I’m going to Disn— er, metaquotes!

apocalypsos has just started reading The Da Vinci Code. Her initial reaction:
Okay, here's the thing. The first story I ever wrote was because I read a horrendous romance novel when I was about fifteen that made me fling the damn thing at the nearest wall and shriek, "I can write better than that!" And I couldn't at that point, but I was damn well going to try.

I think if I had read this back then, I wouldn't have become a writer.

I would have become the quarterback for the Eagles.

They wouldn't have had much of a choice but to draft me at that point, really, considering I would have thrown this book hard enough to brain Dan Brown from several states away.
I Am The Princess

Twinkies!

naamah_darling said

It's impossible to break a Twinkie down, actually. Too many preservatives.

Our top scientists think it has something to do with a reaction that occurs when the golden cake baked by magical disco elves is filled with whipped baby frog and then plunged into a vat of boiling unicorn ass-fat to age for sixteen years. The decanting by virgins under a double rainbow may or may not be part of this reaction, but it's clear they are a vital part of the Twinkie process.

None of this explains, of course, the effect a Twinkie has on the human aura. It has been described by one parapsychologist as "a leprous glow consuming the healthy luminosity of the soul's beacon, until it gleams in the dark like some unhealthy vapor, beckoning in all manner of unsavory creatures from the cyclopean dark."

I understand it is best not to eat them near clowns.

Found here.
shaky shaky

Copy Machine Drama!

My Poor Friend furikku a.k.a Sooz has a run in with the Copy Machine at her work:

Sooz: I am here to make copies, so that I may file them at the courthouse, as is my duty!

Copy Machine: I am here to make the copies for you! HAHA I TELL A LIE! Instead, I will make half a copy and then have paper jams in FOUR PLACES! AHAHAHAHA!

Sooz: Ha, I am on to your tricks! I shall remove the paper jams and continue with copying!

CM: Bah! You'll not get the better of me so easily this time! Behold- I shall DROP A PART WHICH YOU CANNOT IDENTIFY!

Sooz: As it seems to be uninvolved in the process, I shall simply remove it and continue with my jam removal!

CM: Nay! I'll prevent this! I shall instead render you incapable of fully closing the paper drawer! You can defeat my paper jam tactics, but can you o'ercome an EQUIPMENT JAM?

Sooz: I can, with enough will to do so!

(She tries, in divers ways, for several minutes.)

Sooz: ...it appears I must admit defeat.

CM: Ha-ha! You'll rue the day you came to me for copies!

Sooz: O Lili, assistant to the Head Lawyer Fellow, are you well-versed in the Copying Machine?

Lili: Indeed, I shall render aid to you! My merest touch shall cow this recalcitrant machine!

Sooz: O irritant, O fiend! That you should behave well once I summon another!

CM: I shall commence copying 'pon proper warming up, sweet mistress!

Sooz: Very well... I'll allow this slight to pass, if only for the sake of copying and getting back to my office. But I'll not forget your perfidy, you devil!



QWP here
  • Current Mood
    creative
angel_1stdegree

this first time oral experience was just_awkward bad_sex

Flash forward to him in the assumed position, and a passing thought skips through my mind: "hey, where did that gum-"

Suddenly, he SHRIEKS like a little girl and leaps out of the bed. I look down and there's gum EVERYWHERE. I have yet to understand how a tiny piece of wrigley's could have made such a mess. It was all over his arms, all over the sheets and YE GODS, all over my girlie bits.

Cue hysterical laughter. Did i mention that this is also the first time i had been completely without clothes in front of anyone?

Cue nervous, awkward, pained laughter as i try to remove said gum from girlie bits, bed, and boyfriend.

Bad_sex is your first attempt at oral on your girlfriend thwarted by a stick of wrigley's. Minty fresh!

qwp

It's a graveyard smash!

Either tianamalla is going crazy, or she had an interesting encounter the other night. Entry included for context and because it's reasonably short, though the real quote is from the comments.

I was lying in bed last night, or early this morning really, when I felt something. I'm a polite sort of person, and plus I was very tired, so I sort of thought at it, "Hello." This might not have been a good idea because the next thing I know, I could feel it sort of... touching my heart. It was very strange, like a sort of tingling, soft grip sort of thing, and at first I was just like, yeah okay. Then it got a bit scary so I sort of... pushed at it, with my mind, and there was a sound like something receding quickly into the distance and the feeling completely disappeared, and I was just lying there with my heart suddenly beating lots faster, breathing heavily, skin kind of clammy, and if I closed my eyes my eyelids started warming up.

So I went and crawled into bed with keilahsarmy. Call me crazy, but that was freaky.


ectes01: Awww, Tian made a new friend ;)
tianamalla: I usually prefer the kind that don't think "Hello" is an invitation to play the monster mash on my HEART.


Context.
  • Current Music
    Black 47 - My Fanatic Heart
romano- female

(no subject)

joeschmoe7 comments on a fake_lj_deaths entry, which can be found here.  The post is locked.

I'm not dead yet, but I'm totally going to commit suicide tomorrow. Look for my mom to post details in all of my communities and my personal journal. I mean, I could possibly not commit suicide if I get enough comments telling me how awesome I am.

I'll probably anonymously comment to myself though. Because I'm that remarkable.

Oh, P.S.
I'm also a well spoken 13 year old genius who models in Europe.

And my mom abuses me.

And I'm pregnant.

With puppies.

QWP of course.
  • Current Music
    A Beautiful Book- Butterfly Boucher
victim of the Man

(no subject)

shevralay explains why a friend no longer has Internet access:

Sterling and some girl, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes heavy petting, then comes his parents walking in on them.

Context here, but friendslocked. QWP.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable
polycorns

(no subject)

Over here there is a discussion about a congressman getting caught with a suitcase of bribe money in his freezer:


theferrett: I don't think it's an everyday occurrence. Yet I have a feeling that there are more suitcases going around Washington than I'd care to think about.

dingodonkey: Next time I'm down in D.C., I'll swipe a few briefcases from men in suits and report back with valuable statistics. ...For Science!

suburbfabulous: Damn. You stole my idea.

noumignon: You shouldn't have left your idea in your suitcase.

suburbfabulous: But it WASn't; it was in the refri--oh, DAMMIT.
Brunette

patsyrant had a good excuse to quit going to church

The whole post is great, but contains spoilers for the DaVinci Code. Just a warning.

You see, my parents used to insist that us kids go to church every Sunday, regardless of whether we believed or not. So, one Sunday in my seventeenth year, and after rather a hard night's drinking, my mother dragged me out of bed and off to mass with her. In some Catholic churches, the communion wafer is put in your hands, and in others the priest insists that he places it directly into your mouth. Such a church was ours, and that fateful morning I knelt at the altar-rail and the priest put that wafer in my dry, hungover mouth.
And I choked.

Not discreetly. Nope, your full on gasping, retching, somebody-perform-the-heimlich manouvre-choking. And did anyone help me? Did they Hell. Everyone else in the church backed away like I had 666 tattooed on my forehead, and the priest even crossed himself. Not even my mother came to my aid. Finally I managed to force the wafer down and staggered outside for some air.

When my mother finally emerged from the church, all she said was, "You don't have to come to Mass anymore."
  • Current Music
    The dog is barking at the asshole neighbors.
No pony?

Child free for a safer tomorrow!

dungeoneer isn't pre-pregnant, he's just being patriotic.

“Child-free American ladies, it's time to fight alarmism with alarmism. Fed up with being described as 'pre-pregnant' but are short of ideas on how to wind up neo-con yahoos?

Just describe yourself as pre-pregnant with terrorists. By remaining child-free, you're protecting your country.

Easy when you know how.”

This is the full post, QWP, of course.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused