May 10th, 2006

agent may is unimpressed

On discouraging barbarian hordes

A little something in honor of metaquotes founder kielle, who would have loved to repel some barbarians:

A patient called in today to make a same-day appointment with one of the docs, since he was feeling, as Anne might phrase it, "mighty poorly".

"I'm not being a wimp, am I?" he asked me, over the phone. "This is normal?"

I checked his appointment list. He has cancer in his chest, and is starting up chemo this month.

"No, man," I said. "You are about as far from wimpy as you can get."

I'm sure he feels weaker than he ever has before, but anybody steely enough to scorch their own bodily earth in an attempt to discourage the invading barbarian hordes wins my respect.

--quirkybird, here.

A Garage Sale's Guide To Hooking

tv_elf has a garage sale, and ponders the selling of the self.

It begins with:

"Ever wondered what it felt like to be a hooker, but didn't want to deal with diseases or cold nights? Do what I did; be a part of a neighborhood garage sale."

Includes comparisons between the different kinds of garage sales and hooking methods.

"Rummage Sale: The classy, bordello hooking. You are a part of a larger organization, so if there is any problem, your pimp can back you up. Added bonus: Customers can't come complaining to your home in case they want their money back."

And ends with the reassurance:

"Is it worth it? Sure, just don't undersell yourself. You, yes, you are worth charging $2 for that poster even if your customer would rather pay $1."

The post is here in its entirety, QWP.
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Pretty piggy

naamah_darling reinvents the blow job.

"I want you people to understand something, so pay attention. No matter how gleefully fun the porn I write for myself is, nine-tenths of the porn (not the erotica) I write to sell does nothing for me. I do it because I can make ten to twenty dollars an hour if I'm persistent and not screwing around on livejournal (like now; I'm getting paid nothing for this). What I'm saying here is that what I do is not really glamorous in the slightest, no matter what you think.

As evidence, I present this fact, like a sugar-frosted dog turd on a doily:

Today, for ten dollars, I wrote 600 words of balloon fetish porn.

Does there need to be context, really?

Het male, meet skincare products: one man's descent into metro

The ridiculously funny thehefner (who possesses quite possibly the most awesome and witty set of LJ iconses I have ever had the pleasure of viewing) has his first encounter with his inner metrosexual, courtesy of the seductive power of Burt's Bees skincare products.

It all begins so innocently:

Now, my skin has been really dry and crusty of late, and so when I saw the free sample tester can of moisturizing lotion, I figured, what the hell? But then I read the can, which said, "For best results, mix with Burt's Bees brand spritzing toner spray." And right next to the moisturizing lotions were the spritzer bottles, right there...

Collapse )

Full post here, QWP.

Be you male, female, shemale, heshe, or anything else, embrace your inner metro, but carry Benadryl with you at all times.
not original

(no subject)

What evilgrins found herhimself thinking about while in the bathroom...

While I was making myself a bit lighter, as an extension of the door positioning, the thought came to me that men are always right. As being left makes little sense, unless you're unusually political, this meant that women are always wrong. Now, keeping in mind that none of this has any actual basis in reality, this is the point where the turn of thought became truly wonky...

...because it was following such a logical progression before.

Anyone that knows their basic biology should be aware that we're all female in the beginning. Just some of us, being the males, get that extra chromosome and switch genders. Taking this to mind it means that, technically, males are just females in really serious denial.

In essence, we're all wrong.

There you go, I've just solved the battle of the sexes. The fight's been called on the fact that the other side wasn't there to begin with!

Context which really explains his remark about the door positioning.
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    amused amused
Anarchist, MatGB
  • matgb

Top 50 Marvel characters?

wheeler has run a series of polls all over the place to figure out the top 100 Marvel characters, and has written up the top 50 here. One of the funnier descriptions:
33. Cyclops, Scott Summers
Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.
The irritatingly dependable solid core of the X-Men, Scott Summers is basically Dr Jack from Lost - serious, manly, handsome and authoritative, but with all the personality of a Microsoft paperclip. "I see that you're fighting a Sentinel. Would you like to hurl Wolverine at its head while Iceman impedes its progress?" I can only assume the mutant boy scout placed at number 33 in this list by sheer force of nostalgic inertia.
Of course, there may be people out there who think Scotty has a personality.

The lovely and wise copperwise has this to say about misogynists

A vignette:

3 people in the elevator, one female. Smarmy middle aged sales guy to smarmy middle aged sales guy, complete with wink and nudge: You know, girls sure are a whole lot prettier when they remember to smile.


Female, commenting idly to nobody in particular: You know, men sure seem a whole lot smarter when they remember not to talk.

Note to world at large: I was not put on this planet to decorate it. Thanksbye.

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    amused amused