Metaquotes

cleolinda has been re-reading her collection of Nancy Drew mysteries, and has cracked the formula. My favorite part is...

F. Oh no! Mr. Drew has gone missing! He’s…

1. being held for ransom
2. stuffed in a secret tunnel somewhere
3. drugged and tied up in one of those hotels where they steal your kidneys
4. back at the hotel and totally fine, dumbass

G. If 4), are you sure he’s back at the hotel, Nancy? This telegram says he wants to meet you in the middle of nowhere, by yourself—oh, and bring the [Adjective] [Noun].

1. Duh, it’s a fake telegram from the villain(s), dumbass.
2. OH NOES! DADDY!

Note: Whether Nancy falls for the telegram this time is completely independent of whether she fell for the fake telegram in previous books.

The whole thing is comedy gold, but it doesn’t matter if you read it or not because “...Ned is not getting laid, regardless. Woe.”

Culled from Note_to_Asshat and posted by miscca

In closing, let me tell you little buttercup, at the end of the day you are nothing more than an M&M - pretty and crisp on the outside, temporarily tasty, but thoroughly bad for consumption in the long run.

elisem shares with us:

Om mani padme hey, shiny!
Buddhism for ADD monks.

_{2nd post in 2 days!  Sry!  I thought it was cute!}


A post in customers_suck told the story of a customer who was going to take her electric blanket complaint all the way to President Bush!

In the comments, starknightgoku decided that "George Bush doesn't care about stupid people."

satyrblade responded with "Except the one in his mirror."

There are actually lots of great comments in that thread regarding the Great Electric Blanket National Crisis of '06.

Basically, I deleted a quote that read to me as a quote from somewhere else being reproduced on metaquotes. However, it has been pointed out to me that I read it incorrectly, and the content was in fact original. So, chaya, I'm sorry that I mistakenly deleted your post, which I reproduce here:

According to a comment left in the linked journal, BBC Radio said something like this about [V for Vendetta]: "This is a film about modern America that they set in London because they were too scared to set it in the US." Is being a slack-jawed malfing idiot incapable of doing even the most basic research a prerequisite of working in entertainment media? Can I, too, get paid to not know what I'm on about? I could really use the money to buy brains for my children.
-hollowpoint, here.

Culled from the recent kerfluffle in cooking about whether it's irreligious to mock another person's pancake recipe. (Yes, we really were arguing over that...)

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[QWP] mrw372435 on her post about d/s (filtered, sorry) had this little gem to say: Did you know, there are some unlucky women out there whose boyfriends just buy them flowers as an apology?

You know that LiveJournal runs your life when any of the following is true:

1) You don't consider the day truly started until you've taken the time to read through your friends' page (whilst making your lunch, etc., of course);

2) You have purchased a piece of clothing or other memorabilia sporting its trendy logo;

3) You are seriously contemplating whether or not you can afford to spend time with your family in lieu of sitting in front of the monitor, uploading 32 more userpics for your Permanent Account, because it is just that important, damn it.
citizenjess, here, post is f-locked, QWP


Personally, I'm guilty of #1.

QWP from sugartits. She's getting a tiny bit lost.

In unrelated news: someone asked me who Ann Coulter was last night, and I think I told him, 'a liberal American politician'.

...Oops?

RE My post about 1997:

neutralmilk1945: Haven't heard much from Jimmy Ray lately. Apparently, no one wanted to know.

morgoid writes: ( Collapse )

Quoting my roomate childofares and her sudden interest in Peeps

I think I'll take them to work on Easter and every guest that pisses me off I'll dramatically lick a Peep and throw it past them at the mirror to show my holiday angst...or whatever. Maybe It can symbolize my disgust for people (Who are the Peeps, but purple and shaped like little birds)and throwing them shows the sad state of the world and it's inability to request rollaway beds before midnight. Wait...I need something more deep or political I think. Peeps can represent Da Man and how we are always getting tossed around! RISE UP AND THROW A PEEP FOR MANKIND!

The rest of the post is worth a giggle and can be found Here

juleskicks and fox1013 write the best badfic evar about the cast of LOTR experiencing 9-11...

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All the comments are hysterical - go check it out. Srsly. Or Sean's psychic powers will disappear.

Hallo.

Yesterday, zalein had some things to say about her emails:

........ Why do I keep getting emails from people trying to give me diapers?

.... Are they trying to tell me something? Like, maybe, 'Dear Zalein: You stink, but we're just too nice to tell you so, so instead we'll give you diapers and hope you take a hint. Sincerely, Diaper Giveaway people.'

Context? You need no Context! But here it is anyway.

ginmar reads her email:

Dear Spammers:
Yes, I know you use the extra Ss and stuff to slip past the filter. However, it still doesn't work because it gives the impression either you guys are illiterate or you think I'd willingly get a mortgage with someone who spells 'mortgage' with three Gs. Worse than that, however, are the extra Ss everywhere. "Buy your mortgagge with uss!" It's like snakes wrote the spam, with all the hissing going on. "Thrilling new informassion! Increasse your passsion!" I feel like I'm being spammed by Gollum. "Yes, precioussssss, buy your mortgage with us, little hobbitsess. We have low rateses, we does, and we might even have Xtian mortgageses." Because I really want a mortgage document that makes me want to shower after handling it, you know.

pixxiyestyx had an interesting encounter with a customer over the phone...

GNC - Guy Needs a Calendar
ME - pixxiyestyx

GNC-I ordered this over six months ago! WHERE IS MY ORDER!?!
ME-Well, sir, I'm showing that that order was shipped on March eleventh, so it should be on it's way to you.
GNC-I ORDERED THAT IN MARCH! WHERE IS IT?
ME-Um...
GNC-You say March eleventh. You should be replacing that order by now, that was months ago.
ME-Sir, today is March fourteenth.
GNC-NO! It's SEP... Oh, my god. It's March.

Context.

Do fundamentalist Christians who insist that Catholics aren't Christians think that Christianity sprung fully-formed from the head of Martin Luther in 1517, kind of like Athena sprang from the head of Zeus?

Cause, uh. That's a really funny image. "Dude, Marty. Uh. There's this guy, on a cross? And he's sort of coming out of your forehead. ...you might want to see someone about that, dude. That just does not look healthy. ...and why are you nailing things to my door? I am totally going to get you exiled for that, dude. I just painted." -- ladysorka, here.

From the ever quotable fanficrants.

yume_no_kage has a thing or two to say about the correct definition of certain bodily functions:


I'm sorry, but ethereal =/= urethral.

...The phrase 'his urethral beauty' does NOT inspire in me the mental images the author most likely intended.


Context is for the weak

3 quotes from mercury_ca's account of her Canadian Idol audition (QWP):
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dsudis has made a discovery:

If you start singing "No Children" by the Mountain Goats when you first get the

FUSER IS WARMING UP
COPIER WILL BE READY IN LESS THAN 5 MINUTES

message, you will find yourself crooning, "I hope you die, I hope we both die" to the copier as the first ToC of the day goes through.


In related news: still adjusting to the job.

It’s the last line that nails it for me.

stagger_lee77 has a conversation with her uber-religious mother about her mother's car:

she mentioned something about her brakes being warped, and i was stupid enough to ask her about the last time they were serviced. she said (and i'm not making this up, people)," the last time i had my brakes done, they told me they put on permanent brake pads and stuff."

mom, are you smoking crack? i swear, she's a mechanic's wet dream. permanent brake pads? right, because jesus's blood was shed on calvary's cross so that our brakes may be saved from eternal wear and tear. i must not have seen that verse in the bible. my bad.

QWP. The whole post is rather funny as well, and may be found here

scans_daily is always good for a chuckle, but joosetta's comment had me cackling like a madwoman.


When someone dies in DC [Comics] it is sort of like sending a child on a school exchange to France. You wipe away a tear, you think of all the good times and you hope they don't come back from the fires of hell as a raging homocidal maniac.

suburbfabulous has been cocooning for a while, but he's worried about getting too settled:

"It's like shoes. It's nice to have a pair you've broken in, but if you don't take them off, your feet will smell like dying llamas' spit."

Public entry, but QWP anyway.