November 10th, 2005

v
  • veedub

more on the pringles can

from the lovely and talented happydog:

wanna be hung like pringles can?

Yes, that's what the spam header said.

So let me clarify: with this drug, my genitalia, specifically my penis, can resemble a flimsy cardboard tube with a tinfoil bottom and a plastic top, packed with bits of industrially mutated chopped-and-reformatted potato pulp that has been completely coated with salt and monosodium glutamate and then formed into interlocking pieces that sort of resemble "chips".

uh huh, that sounds appealing...
abyss

(no subject)

gremlinkin expresses his crush on Salma Hayek in the way only he can.

I just remember every cell in my body screaming to procreate when I saw her. So if you hear of a guy in spokane getting busted cause he was standing outside a hotel screaming "Edward Norton doesn't deserve you" You will know who it was.
[c] hark! a vagrant! - eat a dick
  • renne

(no subject)

My mother tricked me into buying condoms today.
Look, I would have done it myself. There are certain things it's just not cool to be shy about, and that's one of them.
But she was all 'let's go to Priceline and get earplugs for your trip', and then we walked past the section where they have the condoms and she was all 'now you should buy some of these too.' Subtext: HA! I CUNNINGLY TRICKED YOU INTO BUYING CONTRACEPTIVES!
So I picked up the ones which looked the least complicated (they said 'Regular' on them. I figure that's probably a reasonable bet) and Mum's all 'TWELVE? Can't you get a smaller pack? They're only for emergencies!'
I would like to know what constitutes an emergency in my mother's twisted world. I would like to know what she thinks I will be using these condoms for. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be in a situation where the only way to save the Universe is to fuck Superman or something, and I'm going to be all 'WAIT! I can't save the world! I don't have any condoms!' and so the world will perish because my supply of contraceptives was insufficient.
She really confuses me sometimes.


- buriramtourakom, from a flocked post and quoted with permission.
Treize glasses lol
  • neev

Fun with action figures

The always hilarious rex_dart amuses herself by...uh...customizing her star wars dolls action figures. Unfortunately, she's caught in the act by her roommate. Our heroine imagines what a confrontation about geekiness might have sounded like:


ROOMMATE: Amy, are you playing with your dolls?
ME: They're action figures.
ROOMMATE: Are those two dolls gay?
ME: They're happy to see each other. Obi-Wan went on a trip to visit Padme and Sabe on the other shelf for a while.
ROOMMATE: Was that one wearing a dress when I left?
ME: YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND HAD SEX WHILE I WAS PLAYING BATTLEFRONT. I'M NOT A FREAK! I'M NOT A FREAK!


Incriminating Hilarious photos can be found with the rest of the post here.
Mouselogo

(no subject)

In this post, troo considers the finer points of the guest-host relationship:

...when someone is kind enough to offer me a roof over my head after being kicked out of my house, I should not try to set their house on fire.
jen-book-larnin-t

Did Superman evolve?

"Not only do I think he [Superman] EVOLVED, but his native civilization was destroyed by political demagogues espousing bad science in the face of Jor-El's legitimate scientific evidence. "Surely Great Rao will protect us!" they said. "Begone with your facts and figures, they bore us, even though men like you have built our advanced civilization and high standard of super-scientific living. Let's talk instead about what we feel to be true, and that's the Krypton is perfectly safe and always will be." Krypton's past is our future!"
-- supiluliumas
flowers

(no subject)

gizmometer and her beau, happymrlocust, both friends of mine, had this conversation recently:

lem: how exactly do you deflower a teenager?
lem: is there some kind of tool?
me: yeah it's called a "cock"
lem: oh. that kind of deflowering
me: what on earth kind of deflowering did you think they meant?
me: did you think teenagers came with daisies?
lem: yes
lem: I was thinking of gardening yes
me: okay, I take it back, maybe you shouldn't have children.



QWP... and many other acronyms too!
OMGSOCOOL
  • newbia

(no subject)

On the useless_facts community, I wrote:

When a bride-to-be of the Masai tribe in Kenya set off to meet her fiance, the groom's female relatives hurl insults ("You are as short and bowlegged as a Pygmy!") at her and slap cow dung on her head. The insults are to ward off bad luck, and how she handles the abuse determines how she will face the challenges of marriage. However, it is not all bad: traditionally, the bride refuses to enter her mother-in-law's house until she is satisfied with her gifts.

To which turk_diddler replied:

I swear I saw a Jerry Springer show just like that.

Quistis is smarter than you., Because I'M the genius here - that's why

Meta-metas are fun!

In this Star-Wars-and-stupid-idiot-related post, terired accesses the start-up code for the human body.

REBOOTING BRAIN...

BRAIN 1.0b NOW OPERATIONAL.....

FOR SUPPORT CONTACT god@heaven.com.he
WARNING: THIS OPERATING SYSTEM WILL SHUTDOWN IF PENIS 1.2 IS ACTIVATED...

NOW STARTING BODY...



(don't shoot the newbie plz!)
cutiepie2
  • ravrhi

(no subject)

What's the biggest problem with politically-correct terminology?

When you forget that "African-American" is not a synonym for "black".

From a report on the French riots:

"It's been 11 days since two African-American teenagers were killed, electrocuted during a police chase, which prompted all of this."--CNN anchorman Carol Lin, Nov. 6

-kimpire
Happy Reaper
  • lysana

(no subject)

kalischild had a run-in on the dance floor last night.

Twisting through the crowd like a hideous polyester dervish, Napoleon sprawled towards her with all the grace and elegance of Keith Richards on an ether binge; he swooped and gyrated around her, leading his mad dance almost entirely with his crotch. In the space of thirty seconds, he had stepped on her feet forty-seven times, spilled her drink, and brought with him a cloud of body odor powerful enough to singe my nose hairs from ten feet away. It was as if Steven Hawking had been living in a barrel with a family of muskrats for a year before being miraculously tapped to replace an aging Patrick Swayze for the role of the dance instructor in Dirty Dancing III: The Nerds Dance Back.

Read the whole thing. Especially the part about Goth Fu.

Seanan for President!

cadhla, here, being witty and wonderful as usual:

"I believe in equal rights for men, women, children, homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, ambisexuals, Christians, Jews, Pagans, Buddists, Scientologists, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, people who like Stephen Schwartz musicals, the man with the hat made of cheese, and the lady who thinks she's a squirrel."
  • Current Mood
    sympathetic sympathetic
Ultrababy X

(no subject)

My friend eideteker is capabale of some pretty awesome bon mot. He also has good taste in music. In this case, the original post is about topics other than music, but he still found room for this:

[T]en years later, Better Than Ezra is growing on me. Maybe that's because most of the music being made today is Ezra.
me; deep cove

nehima reminds me why he is so awesome

A friends-only entry by nehima, quoted with permission. It actually brought tears to my eyes, and I'm quoting the whole entry because it's only hilarious as a whole. Most of it will be cut for your pleasure.

"Everyone's smelled one. A stink so noxious that it permeates into your very being, and suddenly you just know: this stink is the worst stink in the world. But what are the characteristics of a stink so vast? What does it smell like? Let us take a the journey together, and try to recreate the odour by naming its component parts.

Collapse )
saggital

Fun with Swedish chatbots

the_gentleman reports back on his investigations into whether or not Ikea is run by Vikings by asking Anna, the Ikea help chatbot! His enquiry about flat-pack longships:

the_gentleman: If I'm missing the mast in my flatpack, can I get a refund?
Anna: Please read here about IKEA returns policy.


prompts tybalt_guin to respond:

You know, the problem isn't that they won't provide the mast, it's that you'll have raised the bloody thing, got it partially screwed into place and then discover that you're missing the washer needed to tighten the final screw into place.

So then you have to go back to Ikea to get a new washer, because otherwise your mast will just tip over in the middle of the North Sea and all the other Vikings will laugh at you and make wanker signs as they sail on past. And of course, Ikea won't have that particular kind of washer in stock, so you have to wait a week for their warehouse to supply one.

In the meantime, all the other Vikings are already storming up the English coastline, taking all the best booty and raping all the best ... booty so that by the time you've got your washer, got home, used it to secure your mast in place and then got to the English coast line, you find that you're stuck with the toothless grandmothers and the treasure chests filled with the exact same kind of washer that delayed you getting there in the first place.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
decemberists-engine driver/tainbkgrd

(no subject)

spatialrift47 on the riots in France:

In other news, it seems that Tyler Durden has moved Project Mayhem to the suburbs of Paris.
Tyler is like, "Shit guys, the police, they are coming, start the riots!"
And the Durdenites are all, "But I am LE TIRED."
So Tyler says, "Well take a nap ... THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES START ZE RIOTS!"
  • Current Music
    This Is Not A Love Song-Nouvelle Vague
irony detector
  • tajessa

(no subject)

I need to read my f-list more closely, and stop reading all the comments on here, because here's *another* meta-meta! Stop making with the funny, people! (I don't mean it, come back!)

In the comments to this Star Wars-ian post, which caused many a brain to melt, terired was also afflicted:

ARRRRRGH! My brain! It's melting! Meeellting. Meoooouulltinnnnnn....

george bush is teh best prezident evar


*le snicker*
  • Current Mood
    giggly giggly