This isn't morning. This is more accurately described as the asscrack of dawn.
There is a Comcast commercial where Mark Hammill is being interviewed about "The Future" because he is a "Future Expert". Now correct me if I'm wrong... but doesn't Star Wars start out "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..."? Wouldn't that make him a past expert?
wanna be hung like pringles can?
Yes, that's what the spam header said.
So let me clarify: with this drug, my genitalia, specifically my penis, can resemble a flimsy cardboard tube with a tinfoil bottom and a plastic top, packed with bits of industrially mutated chopped-and-reformatted potato pulp that has been completely coated with salt and monosodium glutamate and then formed into interlocking pieces that sort of resemble "chips".
uh huh, that sounds appealing...
I just remember every cell in my body screaming to procreate when I saw her. So if you hear of a guy in spokane getting busted cause he was standing outside a hotel screaming "Edward Norton doesn't deserve you" You will know who it was.
Look, I would have done it myself. There are certain things it's just not cool to be shy about, and that's one of them.
But she was all 'let's go to Priceline and get earplugs for your trip', and then we walked past the section where they have the condoms and she was all 'now you should buy some of these too.' Subtext: HA! I CUNNINGLY TRICKED YOU INTO BUYING CONTRACEPTIVES!
So I picked up the ones which looked the least complicated (they said 'Regular' on them. I figure that's probably a reasonable bet) and Mum's all 'TWELVE? Can't you get a smaller pack? They're only for emergencies!'
I would like to know what constitutes an emergency in my mother's twisted world. I would like to know what she thinks I will be using these condoms for. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be in a situation where the only way to save the Universe is to fuck Superman or something, and I'm going to be all 'WAIT! I can't save the world! I don't have any condoms!' and so the world will perish because my supply of contraceptives was insufficient.
She really confuses me sometimes.
- buriramtourakom, from a flocked post and quoted with permission.
ROOMMATE: Amy, are you playing with your dolls?
ME: They're action figures.
ROOMMATE: Are those two dolls gay?
ME: They're happy to see each other. Obi-Wan went on a trip to visit Padme and Sabe on the other shelf for a while.
ROOMMATE: Was that one wearing a dress when I left?
ME: YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND HAD SEX WHILE I WAS PLAYING BATTLEFRONT. I'M NOT A FREAK! I'M NOT A FREAK!
...when someone is kind enough to offer me a roof over my head after being kicked out of my house, I should not try to set their house on fire.
lem: how exactly do you deflower a teenager?
lem: is there some kind of tool?
me: yeah it's called a "cock"
lem: oh. that kind of deflowering
me: what on earth kind of deflowering did you think they meant?
me: did you think teenagers came with daisies?
lem: I was thinking of gardening yes
me: okay, I take it back, maybe you shouldn't have children.
QWP... and many other acronyms too!
When a bride-to-be of the Masai tribe in Kenya set off to meet her fiance, the groom's female relatives hurl insults ("You are as short and bowlegged as a Pygmy!") at her and slap cow dung on her head. The insults are to ward off bad luck, and how she handles the abuse determines how she will face the challenges of marriage. However, it is not all bad: traditionally, the bride refuses to enter her mother-in-law's house until she is satisfied with her gifts.
To which turk_diddler replied:
I swear I saw a Jerry Springer show just like that.
BRAIN 1.0b NOW OPERATIONAL.....
FOR SUPPORT CONTACT firstname.lastname@example.org
WARNING: THIS OPERATING SYSTEM WILL SHUTDOWN IF PENIS 1.2 IS ACTIVATED...
NOW STARTING BODY...
(don't shoot the newbie plz!)
When you forget that "African-American" is not a synonym for "black".
From a report on the French riots:
"It's been 11 days since two African-American teenagers were killed, electrocuted during a police chase, which prompted all of this."--CNN anchorman Carol Lin, Nov. 6
Full entry here.
Twisting through the crowd like a hideous polyester dervish, Napoleon sprawled towards her with all the grace and elegance of Keith Richards on an ether binge; he swooped and gyrated around her, leading his mad dance almost entirely with his crotch. In the space of thirty seconds, he had stepped on her feet forty-seven times, spilled her drink, and brought with him a cloud of body odor powerful enough to singe my nose hairs from ten feet away. It was as if Steven Hawking had been living in a barrel with a family of muskrats for a year before being miraculously tapped to replace an aging Patrick Swayze for the role of the dance instructor in Dirty Dancing III: The Nerds Dance Back.
Read the whole thing. Especially the part about Goth Fu.
"I believe in equal rights for men, women, children, homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, ambisexuals, Christians, Jews, Pagans, Buddists, Scientologists, Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, people who like Stephen Schwartz musicals, the man with the hat made of cheese, and the lady who thinks she's a squirrel."
[T]en years later, Better Than Ezra is growing on me. Maybe that's because most of the music being made today is Ezra.
"Everyone's smelled one. A stink so noxious that it permeates into your very being, and suddenly you just know: this stink is the worst stink in the world. But what are the characteristics of a stink so vast? What does it smell like? Let us take a the journey together, and try to recreate the odour by naming its component parts.
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the_gentleman: If I'm missing the mast in my flatpack, can I get a refund?
Anna: Please read here about IKEA returns policy.
prompts tybalt_guin to respond:
You know, the problem isn't that they won't provide the mast, it's that you'll have raised the bloody thing, got it partially screwed into place and then discover that you're missing the washer needed to tighten the final screw into place.
So then you have to go back to Ikea to get a new washer, because otherwise your mast will just tip over in the middle of the North Sea and all the other Vikings will laugh at you and make wanker signs as they sail on past. And of course, Ikea won't have that particular kind of washer in stock, so you have to wait a week for their warehouse to supply one.
In the meantime, all the other Vikings are already storming up the English coastline, taking all the best booty and raping all the best ... booty so that by the time you've got your washer, got home, used it to secure your mast in place and then got to the English coast line, you find that you're stuck with the toothless grandmothers and the treasure chests filled with the exact same kind of washer that delayed you getting there in the first place.
Will Forte (of SNL) knits. He knits. I want to make babies with him right now, please. Nothing is hotter than a guy who can get his craft on. And his geek on. Preferably at the same time.
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~from a locked post, QWP~
Incidentally, the thought of all the Atlantis geeks playing WoW while networked through the wormhole to Earth kills me. Because you so know they would!
In other news, it seems that Tyler Durden has moved Project Mayhem to the suburbs of Paris.
Tyler is like, "Shit guys, the police, they are coming, start the riots!"
And the Durdenites are all, "But I am LE TIRED."
So Tyler says, "Well take a nap ... THEN
In the comments to this Star Wars-ian post, which caused many a brain to melt, terired was also afflicted:
ARRRRRGH! My brain! It's melting! Meeellting. Meoooouulltinnnnnn....
george bush is teh best prezident evar