Metaquotes

From the always reliable mysterg...

Funny things heard on "Cops":
A VERY southern guy, arrested for drug possession (crack pipe, etc.,) is asked "Now, who had the drugs we found in the bathroom?"
Reply: "I have no idea, I was watching Dukes of Hazzard and just relaxing..."

I can just hear old Waylon Jennings now, as the picture freeze-frames; "Well, it looks like them Duke boys was caught with crack again...Damn, them Duke boys are IDJITS..."

Meanwhile, Uncle Jesse's feeling up a goat...

Taken from this post.

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childunit says:

So my brother decided that we needed to do something for the woman that didn't abort us, and this something was a giant penis on her birthday cake.

For a picture of said cake, and context, click here. WARNING!! NOT WORK SAFE!!!

(yay first time posting)

Quoted with permission from a locked journal entry of clarrisa

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deadlyreverie in reponse to my comment....

"Tyrant! Tyrant! Overthrow the Tyrant! I call to you, my brothers at arms, to overthrow this evil dictator! Together we will rise and create a new republic! A free place, where a man can walk down the street and not fear death or destruction! A place free of Misty, where we can dance in the streets and taste the sweet fruits of our revolution! Freedom! Freedom!!!"

Original post, not much context to begin with.

This is my first post, please be gentle, delete if not okay o___o

chenry discussed (on msn, then posted on lj) what to bring to visit his girlfriend who is on exchange attending university in Paris. They decided bringing hair gel to "make a sexy faux hawk" would be a good idea....
plus how to kill yourself on an airplane if you accidently break your gf's SLR en route...
(quoted with permission from a friends only post)

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kasaii has a tragic experience at breakfast ([Edit] Apparently, it was not breakfast, but a case of the munchies at 1 AM. Still funny though) :

Maria's dog just ate my cereal, which was the very last in the bag..

I am about to cry.

I said "Sheppa, I hate you. ;_;"

And she wagged her tail at me.

infinitechapter gets advice on how to come out to her parents...

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fallenravie is in denial about her nonexistent existent boyfriend.

LATER
Phil (the one people think I like and loves to egg them on): Jess, why are you being so mean to me?
Me: I'm not, you dimwit.
Phil: SEE? We used to get along.
Me: Uh, no we didn't.
Phil: Yes, we did. I know we did, 'cause we're still friends. You're just mean to me. You're abusive. I think it's an expression of your love.
Me: What love?!
Phil: You're so in love with me it's sort of sad.
Me: !! I AM NOT.
Phil: Which is okay, because I'm totally in love with you, too.
Me: SHUT UP, YOU'RE SO STUPID.
Andy: *keeps laughing and giving me looks*
Phil: Look at how you treat me. This is ridiculous.
Me: You're right, this is ridiculous.
Phil: Whatever, I can't take this. This relationship is over.
Me: WHAT RELATIONSHIP?

flocked post, quoted with permission

The oft-quoted ursulav in this post on web-gallery trolls.

These little comments are like seeds, or pehaps eggs. You could fit a hundred of them on the head of a pin. Someday, I dream that they will germinate, or pupate, or whatever, and a tiny troll will emerge, and spread fragile little wings, gossamer and glistening in the pale morning air, and climb with teeny hooves up to the top of its little stalk of grass. And the gentle forum breeze will dry the wings of the baby troll, and it will blink huge, innocent eyes up at the young sun, as the grass stem sways, and at last it will open its (large in proportion, but still small) mouth, and the morning will gleam on its miniature tusks, and it will bellow "lol!!!1!" and David Attenborough will do a voice-over about the cycle of nature and we will weep for the sheer glory of the internet and the beauty of new life.

Discussing the lead singer of hard-fi:

lauratakeabow:

yeah, he does [look like that]. or like a really creepy caretaker who has an embittered secret.


http://www.livejournal.com/users/lauratakeabow/824.html?thread=9528#t9528

mawaridi, in a friends-locked post provides a lesson on Subtle Flirting. Specifically; what NOT to do, with an example from a party she went to.

QWP.


Cast:
Me (drunk)
A nerdy but nice guy whose name I can't remember (henceforth: NBNG)

NBNG: *rambling nervously in an OMG-am-alone-with-girl sense* Blah blah blah. Blah! Blah blah blah blah.
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about. So are you going to kiss me or are you just going to stand there?
NBNG: ...! Um. Probably just stand here.
Me: Ok.
NBNG: But I might lean in a bit.
My Brain: Oh dear. *FACEPALM*
Me: Shut up, brain. I choose to interpret this as "I am not revolted by you, please snog me." *snogs*
NBNG: Heh...I don't do this very often.
My Brain: I can tell.
Me: That's ok, I do.
My Brain: Oh, you did not just say that.
*more snogging*
NBNG: Maybe I will come to this choir thing after all. Heh heh.
My Brain: Oh, crap.
Me: Well, this was fun. But, you know. Just a one-time fun...thing.
NBNG: *blushing* Oh, yeah, I knew that.
My Brain: SHAMELESS HUSSY.

Somebody on the Classics/Latin list said something about a t-shirt that says, “I conjugate, therefore I am.” Not to be too crude (oh hell, crudeness!), but shouldn’t it be, “My parents conjugated, therefore I am”? ::snerk::
- ladyshrew, in a filtered entry

brps_adult(flocked, QWP)/post/rancourt

SHE WAS NOT GOING TO COMPROMISE HER HONOUR JUST FOR A TWO-DIME SLUT LIKE YOU.

Um, in all due respects, if she asked for two dimes, you effectively gave her a 150% tip. *cough*

spin_guy has this little piece of good advice for us all:

Never sweep back the hair that's in your eye with the hand that's holding a scalple, because you end up stabbing yourself in the neck.

Found this in a locked post by brazilrascal at Bad RPers Suck_Adult, in which several sorts of annoying RPers were discussed. This bit comes from brazilrascal's being too nice to tell stalkers to take a hike:


At the same time...I am a softie, a big, big wuss. I have a hard time telling people to go to hell if they seem to like me. Here's an example that really, really happened, the truest factual recount to ever not lie:

Osama bin Laden : Harabishueba*!!! You have got me cornered, tied to this huge anvil, and you stole my kidney dialysis machine, Infidel Rascal!
Yours Truly: Tonight it ends, Bin Laden. You'll pay for every single person you killed or sponsored the killing off, and for being indirectly responsible for the cancellation of Politically Incorrect. One pull of this lever, and you will be reduced to a half-cup of disoriented subatomic matter.
Osama Bin Laden: ....oh, well. At least I feel better knowing that I have lost to such a hunky paragon of brilliance. You have just this kind of...chemistry, you know?
Yours Truly: ....
Osama Bin Laden: ....
Yours Truly: ....*cough*
Osama Bin Laden: ...
Yours Truly: ...I forgot my...safety goggles...in my other disintegration machine. Can't well turn it on now, right? It'd be unsafe.
Osama Bin Laden: Totally. Your commitment to responsible procedure is commendable!
Yours Truly: So, um. Let's call it off this time. Move along. And stop doing...that thing you do.
Osama bin Laden: Ten-four.
*: This means, literally, "shit on my mustache!" in Arabic. And now you know.

A statements thread, starting with the post:

kaleidoscop1c: One thing about the statements community is. . . the comments are often as cryptic as the posts.
forunlawfulck: iawtc
kaleidoscop1c: iawtp, you mean?
forunlawfulck: It can go either way.
overyonder: Like a bisexual.

" Oh my God, Soul Train is on my television.

I thought Soul Train was one of those TV myths, like Star Search and Uncle Ed.

I guess that's what you get for staying up past the Saturday night infomercials on the WB."

jemariel stayed up too late and scared herself. I love the Erin.

helloreplace in the LJ feed for Overheard in New York:

"There's no place better to be fucked up on adderall with a 40 in your Manhattan Portage bag and 5 bucks cash than Kinkos at 3am."

_jesabelle_ gets drunk and naked in a friendslocked post. QWP.

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