Metaquotes

cassielsander is having email troubles:

Stupid internet! (*kick!*) Give me emails!

Please your wife by buying prescription Canadian drugs from my kidnapped husband the president of Nigeria.

No! Good emails!

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From my previous post[abbreviated for length]:

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Really, read the whole thread.

 Hey, God.

YEAH?

Why me?

YOU'RE FUNNY. YOU REACT SO EASILY.

--

 You're the funnier one here, you know that?

THANKS!

You're not very profound today either.

AND YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO QUESTION THE MASTER PLAN.


View her entire conversation with The Man Upstairs here.

So--to set up, my friend beibei is in Vietnam for a year and trying to find an internship. The following is an entry from her, and the response from another friend madfnorder amid all the congratulations: ( Collapse )

Found on anamour's LJ... I'm sure this is something we'd all love to do at some point.

Jen, I think I'm going to join you in the realms of asexuality. It'd make life easier.

I'll live in bed, with my laptop and wireless internet (which my dad is actually considering getting yay!) and a load of art materials, and end up symbolically marrying a painting or something to show my dedication to the art world. Millions will swoon at my general wonderfulness and good taste in pyjamas but I shall look upon them all with a disdainful eye.

Good plan.

shizukun says he's got weird friends. Since they're my friends, too, I totally agree. This was taken from a recent MUSH conversation, posted in his LJ:

Tobias says, "Bizarre news of the day: TEHRAN (AFP) - Perplexed by the vitriol of US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's attacks on Iran, one lawmaker believes he has uncovered the secret of her enmity -- that she was spurned by an Iranian boyfriend at college. "The reason that the US secretary of state attacks Iran is because she had her heart broken by a young man from Qazvin while they were students," a confident Shokrollah Attarzadeh was quoted by the ISNA agency as saying."
Tobias says, "See, Condi's dad gave him the family food cart in exchange for an engagement promise..."
Frito beats Mike.
Tobias says, "Iranma. :)"
Butterfly Nurse Super Taft says, "'Aiyah! You fall in pool of drowned ayatollah! That pool carries very terrible curse!'"
Tobias says, "I guess Genma would be the Shah."
Akio imagines Kuno ululating.
Tobias says, "Iranma's persistent rival would be Saddam Hibiki, angry that he had repeatedly taken Saddam's bread and the province of Diyala."
Iron Lung Tomos says, "However, Saddam Hibiki has a terrible sense of direction, and instead of attacking Iranma, occassionally heads south into Kuwait."
Tobias says, ""Damn you, Iranma! Because of you, I've seen MESOPOTAMIA!""

phoenix1979: From my local freecycle: [quotes] I have two lovelly budgies looking for a new home, my son has out grown them.
thehunter: Uh, I'm pretty sure budgies are one size fits all...
of_salfarro: What an ignorant thing to say! Do you want them to rip or pinch when the kid puts them on in the morning?! ;P
thehunter: I dunno, I always heard they were pretty stretchy.

Warren Ellis, upon discovering that his site had been referenced by a London newspaper.

"For those just joining me from the Metro, good morning. And, um, sorry about the whole naked Batman thing in the item below. These things just amuse me sometimes."

maple_clef keeps it simple:

I blog, therefore I spam.

In buying my brother, chakotey, a paid account, I figured I might as well read what he wrote. And I found this:

T'was the night before grad, and all through the house, everything was abuzz, even the mouse.
My suit was hung in the closet with care, earlier today I took a brush to it to get off all of Ichi's dog hair.
Soon my parents found their way to bed, the image of drunken teens partying in their heads.
I played away at Final Fantasy, my latest party was a travesty, and soon the clock struck twelve. Not alot rhymes with twelve.
Toxic screamed from my mp3 player as I watched a movie about a woman and the man that loved 'er.
Turning off the horribly acted movie, it came to my attention that most of tomorrow night would go without retention.
On goes the fridge in the basement to chill our drinks, and tomorrow will rock methinks.
I'm nervous and excited for this banquet, I hope I do nothing I regret.
Nothing real is going to happen, the school was just money trappin'.
$59 for some chicken and rice!? What a ludicrous price! The ceremony isn't until June, I hope it is nice.
Soon in the Grand Am me, Danny, and Twsa will climb, and then we'll drive downtown and wait in line!
Oh what a wonderful night it will be! Teresa, Devin, Katie and Me!
Joceyln, Laura, and Danielle as well, with the aid of Faith and Finch this party'll be swell!
Terri and Christina will be joining us that night, I hope no one gets into a fight.
You see Laura and Joceyln do not get along, but they both like Katie which is why they've put up with each other for so long.
Teresa is a mean drunk! She's a bit of a punk, that liquor goes to her brain and brings us all pain.
Although the fighting may soon commence, I'm saying only good things will happen forth-hence!

From this entry about the ol' fanfic cliche of long-lost siblings (best part bolded):

megalomaniacgeek: But say, [for] Harry Potter...why would the older sibling not have been killed by Voldemort/why would the twin not have also been attacked?
tamerterra: Staying with a friend?
megalomaniageek: ...A plot bunny was just born. Arg.
crystalcattail: That would make a great parody!
konitsu: Coming home from THAT sleepover would really suck. "I brought leftover ca--guys?"

(on what I should do with an unexpected $1000 I have coming to me):

Buy a coffee at Starbucks. Donate the few cents you'll have left over to the drunkest looking hobo you can find.

There was a young Jedi named Anakin
whose hand was all fake like a mannequin;
he used it for evil,
which caused an upheaval,
and left all the galaxy panickin'.

uncut_diamond Has this warning for Americans about the legalization of gay marriage in Canada:

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Full entry here.

My friend valy asks herself in her journal (F-locked, but I asked her for permission and she gave it to me):

Why the heck, in cartoons, the goats eat anything? Cans, clocks, any metal stuff? O.O;;;

It may be a good way to recycle aluminium? XD

Don't drink in cans or any aluminium stuff, they come from goat's asses. (j/k)

:P

baylor_w has taken the time to translate the Commandments so that we don't have to muddle through them.

Too long to quote it all (as many of his entries are), but here's a snippet:

The list goes on. Way more than 10 commandments. God says men can marry lots of women (Exodus 21:10), if a man doesn't treat a woman well (specifically, by selling her to foreigners), a woman is automatically divorced and can go away (but she doesn't get any money). And you're allowed to kill anyone who hits his mom or dad. In fact, you have to. So remember rule #7 [[thou shalt not kill]] above? God says to forget that, he made a mistake. Also, if you say anything bad about your mom or dad, everyone gets to kill you.

You are also allowed to kill anyone who buys, sells or owns slaves (Exodus 21:16). So any nation that has had slaves deserves to be wiped from the map. Good thing The United States never owned slaves. Hey, wait...

The rest is here.

After a whiny flocked post of mine about my disturbing lack of a sex drive, my friend scary_being_me  had these suggestions to offer:

"Or it could be that you're in a rut. Try something new.

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Over at professor_crane, there's the following gem
from fryingpangirl

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fyremaven: that made me laugh so hard i almost shot vanilla latte out my nose
shmivejournal: the true test of comedy is whether or not it brings forth fluids.
shmivejournal: i guess in essence, that's the true test of mainly anything interesting?

Full post: http://www.livejournal.com/users/shmivejournal/106726.html

Probably one of the worst prognostications since a 13th century doctor told a patient with swollen lymph nodes that it was nothing to worry about; take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

From vyoma.

In my query on how to eat a grapefruit this morning, kid_sportswear replies,

1. Hurl grapefruit into street.
2. Peanut Butter Crunch.

Comments in this thread, addressing that someone in my office paid me a compliment today and how I found it gratifying:

scary_being_me : As long as the person doesn't get any ideas that would lead to Brian, Ox, Blinky, Guido, Bree, and me showing up on his doorstep with an empty trunk, a homemade stun gun, a spare car battery, jumper cables, and a few shovels, it's all good.

kingoftherotten : Actually, I hope that person does get ideas that would lead to that, that sounds like it could be a good time.

Said by icequeen1502, from this thread in ohnotheydidnt:

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Reminiscing about undergrad days:

Dear James Joyce,
I have some questions about your novel, "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man." I'm curious as to whether you are quite positive that the artist is in fact a man, and that he is in fact young, and the implications of the resulting conclusions. Lest you think I am your everyday run-of-the-mill college student interested in socializing about sexual politics, let me assure you that my college is nowhere near the mill. It is in fact only near the train tracks. I ask in part because of recent questioning in the sociological world as to the possibility that the Mona Lisa may in fact be a portrait of a Drag Queen, thus explaining her "knowing" smile and masculine facial structure.

Entire Post

Says stwaberries to Rowena, her cat:

Rowena!

You're not supposed to let the bug walk into your food dish! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
KEEEEEEEEL IT!!!

...

Oh what are you good for? Natural hunter my foot. If you want a pet fine but don't expect me to feed it and there is no way it's sleeping in my bed.

muffytaj:

I am considering shipping two young men together on the basis that one has no eyebrows, and the other simply enormous ones.

In an f-locked post (qwp) libertinette wishes to discuss religion.

"MORMONS! At the front of the apartment! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE RING THE DOORBELL!"


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ishyface has a pre-Canada celebration here. Here's some highlights:

"ANYWAY! In true Canadian style, I have decided to have a preemptive Canada Day celebration here on my LJ. What does my version of a Canada Day celebration entail, I hear you ask?
Why, apologizing for things that were/are All Our Fault, naturally.

Item the First: Pamela Anderson
She's Canadian, although her breasts probably are not. For this we are deeply sorry.
Item the Second: The War of 1812
Treaty be damned, we WON that war! We were definitely asking to be invaded and should have twiddled our thumbs and thought of the Motherland until you big strong Yanks were done with us. Burning down the White House was one of the coolest things we've ever done completely unnecessary. Sorry.
Item the Ninth: Hayden Christensen
Words cannot express our embarrassment.
Item the Tenth: Being bigger than everyone else (except Russia)
Your size issues are all our fault. Because we are really, really big. Huge, even. You just won't believe how vastly, mind-bogglingly big we are."

Read them all. It's delightful.

As a reply to this post (it's all funny, but it's the bolded line that got me meta-meta-ing it) :

eduthepenguin - Ah, the good old Bible. The only book that contains more wanton violence, sex and depravity than the Anne Rice books.

active_apathy - She's working on Jesus, though - for starters, there's that whole water into absinthe miracle.

tabbyclaw - I'm guessing it'll be closer to water into whine.

But there were so many hot men in Alexander... and in the movie named after him, too ;)

salzara_tirwen, here.

[immaturity]
CUTE GIRL! CUTE GIRL WITH A HOT ICON PIC AND AN EQUALLY HOT PIC ON HER F-LOCKED LJ!
[/immaturity]
Curse you, testicles.

-- mcity (in reaction to seethroughstars here)

What I like about the Army of Lovers is that they were one of the most elite fighting forces the world has ever seen, and the guys who eventually defeated them were... Philip and Alexander. So the only way to beat an army of fags is to send in a couple of bolshy queens. Otherwise, the big gay army is unbeatable! - wheeler on pop music, the Theban Band, and ancient warfare.

As I remarked to a co-worker and later Brucha: "I have no desire to see any War of the Worlds adaptation that does not involve Mr. Hyde. Preferably Mr. Hyde beating up Martians."

-- moonandserpent

Our 'No excessive touching of your penis' rule is not being enforced, Rose.

The rest of the post can be found here. :)