Metaquotes

From this post by gominokouhai regarding helping customers who don't speak English (and who happen to be naked) in the hotel where he works. Quoted with permission.

"It all worked out for the best, though, when the Chinese non-vocal indication for `thank you' turned out to involve actual, physical bowing and scraping, with hands-clasped prayer-like worshipping gestures. For thirty glorious seconds I had actual, live minions (admittedly, one of them was still disturbingly naked). Better than any tip. (Oh, shit, that sounds bad in context.)"

Full entry is very funny.

whisperingstorm:

I'm so not even kidding. This was a monumental testament to how awesome my saliva is.

The sound effect right before that is what kills me. xD

Sometimes I find it very hard to hate kids. Like after reading this post by my friend fuzzytale, describing an amusing day with her two children.

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mace_m said, in a friendslocked post which she has graciously permitted me to quote:

G. And finally, this is a GIP. I made some icons from 40's pin ups and this is one of them. I used the keywords "don't fuck with me" for it, but now I'm not quite sure if that's what the picture says. I'm starting to think it says "I hit like a girl" or "I wish they had developed the sports bra already" instead.

this is the icon.

From the comment thread of this post:

tigerkakke: So are you the hot chick in all your avatars? Are you.. Jade..?
airabuyuu: ... That would be a guy in my avatars. So no. That is not me.
tigerkakke: OH MY GOD! I -HATE- JAPAN.
airabuyuu: .... XD;

You know, Tom Cruise really just seems to inspire hatred and anger wherever he goes.

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In customers_suck, quality_gal speculates about the exchange between Oprah and the Hermes employees.

(Dialogue approximated.)

Our scene opens on Hermes, an upscale French shop.

MANAGER: Quittin' time! *Locks doors, shoos customers toward registers, whistles, thinking about going home, what to make the kids for dinner--ooh, I've got those snap peas still sitting around in the crisper*
CLERK: Quittin' time! *Rings up customers, thinks about hot date for dinner, fluffs hair*
CUSTOMERS: We're so cool, we pay eleventy-six dollars for ugly teacups! *Gets purchases*

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In the comments to this post on the impending legalization of same-sex marriage in Canada, skaloop said:

"Next thing we'll need to do is set up an Underground Rainbow to help those stuck in the States."

From the wonderful autographedcat, (by permission from a locked post by the_gwenzilliad) who responds to the call for an apocryphal line of sentimental restraining orders from Hallmark with this little ditty:

So many years you've persevered
And carried that old torch
I want to make it legal now
Get off my fucking porch

With zoethe's permission and for your reading pleasure, I give you straight from her post...

We had a nice evening of chatting with Dani, who identifies herself as quiet until she gets to know people, but who has a wicked sense of humor and completely broke me during a discussion of the Matrix sequels. She hasn't seen them, so Ferrett and I were ranting on about how dreadful they were, particularly Reloaded. After listening to us tag-team diss the movie for a while, working ourselves up as we are wont to do, she nodded sympathetically and leaned slightly forward, a look of concern on her face.

"Okay," she said, "show me on the doll where the bad movie touched you."

mrflagg wants one tiny thing changed on the newly passed same sex marriage bill:

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agentotter says here :

I have a stomach ache. And a not-my-stomach ache. It could be plague, or maybe just the fact that all I've eaten today is graham crackers and apple sauce

From the always quoteable (and funny... and cute... and *squee*) apocalypsos :

"My own personal law of computers is that if I'm about to leave for work and I want to print something out, my printer will chose that exact moment to stop working, die, explode, vanish into an interdimensional portal or get eaten by dinosaurs.

You know, just in case you were wondering what I'm doing right now. *kicks printer*"

fLocked oost from brps_adult

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Here, by uncut_diamond.

101% of our marriages have broken down. We have been hit with no less then 15 Biblical plauges. I only thought there were 10 myself - but that one with chili cheese dogs is really nasty. And Richard Simmons - who knew?

I decided not to quote the whole entire thing, but it was hard. Go read now!

This girl never fails to make me laugh:

"Sidenote: People in Ancient Greece and Rome and Shakespeare plays and stuff talk to themselves so much because they didn't have Livejournals. I'd always wondered why they talked to themselves so much. I considered mass schizophrenia, but decided that it was just a lack of proper blogging."

--layered
x-posted to my own journal

My friends taught me to make a pompom. Now I've got a delightful little teal, blue orange and red squishy ball sitting on my coffee table, complete as a purposeful object in itself. Like a fluffy little diseased testicle. Aw. said eyebrowofdoom.

bestweekever offers the following gems:

USDA fails to find the cause of the tiger attack on Roy Horn. Oh HEY, USDA! You want to know why the tiger attacked Horn? It's...because he's a f***king TIGER.

Christopher Walken says that a good marriage is based on timekeeping. Of course, anybody would pay more attention to their watch if that uncomfortable piece of metal was up their ass for two years.

Fox News thinks a "new watergate" would be unlikely due to today's journalistic ethics regarding unnamed sources. In other news, apparently Fox News has journalistic ethics. Who knew?

laisha Tales from the East: More life-lessons from the country of scary pop music


1. Just because you CAN buy the giant two-litre sake bottles does not mean you SHOULD drink it all in one night.

2. When eating American food as prepared by your Japanese host mother, it is safe to assume that some ingredients will be lost in translation.

...9. "Spicy" is a relative term to be used with extreme caution.

kosherpork on settling for love where you can get it.

"Sure, why not? If you're that desperate for human companionship, seek out a nice lesbian girl."

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I obviously don't have enough work to do, since this is my 2nd meta of the day.  But cleolinda  is so damn funny!

In her Empire recap:

"So now it's Wednesday and we're still on the Deaaaaaath of Caeeeeeeesarrrrrrrrr. And do you know what he says when young Brutus (who has a strong resemblance to Mr. Bean, I must say) comes up for the last stab? "You... too... my child?" A zombie hand pushes up through the dirt over Shakespeare's grave and gives this show the finger. "

 

toob semantically dissects the old "What's the opposite of 'progress'...?" wordplay gag, and disheartens the would-be witty.

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gimp_bizkit over at indietitsfeed says...

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"Better believe it. The second either of you turn your heads *wham* ninja kidney pull."

--caspin00, in this thread.

When lizzypaul talks about bad fanfic writers who use their health problems as an anti-concrit shield, some people say...

feywood: Aspergers is the new bisexuality. :|

rikoshi: Asperger's Syndrome is the new black.


fearlessfly:Oh, but we don't understand the ways they work, because apparently the Sueauthors know the history of psychology. [/sarcasm]
made_by_kali: So they're all Scientologists? or just devotees of Tom Cruise?
rikoshi: Freud/Jung OTP!!1!


XD

chibicelchan, here:

There's a show on KFAI called "Disabled and Proud", but I misheard the title, and I thought it was "Disabled Improv".

That could have really been a good show.

From the journal of princess_bunny. This is the entirety of the post.

I took an informal poll today: Most people still find Tom Cruise attractive so I'm just going to have to suck it up and accept that bat shit crazy is the new black.

Side note: Tom isn't gay, that's not getting blamed on us, he's all yours guys.

Other Note to landscaping business: Garden of Eve doesn't make one think of landscaping, it sounds like a place where you can buy really cool sex toys.

I get to live with this. And I thought the same thing when I saw that landscaping truck.

This post by roq. A letter with complaints to a manufacturer of a certain product:

My nervous system. I'm not entirely sure what's wrong here, but there is definitely some faulty wiring. For example, various parts of my module will go numb for no apparent reason. Not necessarily the extremities; I could understand that. No, I'm talking about things like my tongue. As I'm in the middle of a conversation. Not the entire tongue, either. No, just the middle will go numb, for example. And while I'm on the subject, my module is subject to hot and cold flashes. Seeing as how my module is not old enough to be going through menopause, that means there is something else wrong. Fix it. Completely rewire it, if you have to.
[...]
P.S. I have heard that peripheral vision is really cool. Is that an upgrade? How much will it cost to be my module upgraded?

The whole thing is classic; perfectly valid complaints. :)