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Metaquotes

LJ's Catch of the Day- Served Fresh Daily!!

(no subject)
dimloep_suum wrote in metaquotes
Amusing musing from crankyliberal

Banner ad from dumb Star Wars meme: "With E-Harmony I found the person my soul was looking for. Awwwwwww"

My response: "WTF? When did souls get the idea that they could just start wandering around without permission? Do I need to get a soul gate to keep it locked in the yard of the body? Wait, how will I even notice when my soul is gone?"

So, if you see my soul lurking on dating sites, tell it to get back here and give me spiritual comfort or whatever else it does. If it knows about the legal system of Costa Rica, bonus!

Land of the Dead goodness...
journal
brevegirl wrote in metaquotes
From morbidelirium in childfree


Cut for Land of the Dead spoilerge...Collapse )

That's my kind of movie.

le_torvelyn on how the world ACTUALLY got started:
End of the World
demented_pants wrote in metaquotes
Shortly after the Big Bang had occurred, Diesel sought out Ingvar Kamprad (the mastermind behind IKEA) and forged the great demons primitive models. Kamprad was infuriated and swore to fashion a model so fiendish in design that not even Vin himself would be able to assemble it. Shortly thereafter a cardboard box was delivered to Diesel's residence (which lay buried deep inside the sun itself). Smiling to himself, Diesel accepted the challenge, but was shocked to find that the model consisted only of a mountain of ore, an enormous quantity of wood, and a small plastic flap. A small note on the box let our protagonist know that the instructions came written in Braille, and were to be found on the inside of Gods bladder. Our hero went to work, and six days later he was finished. He stared in awe, as he realized that he had actually created the Pangaea. Blinded by anger, Kamprad attacked Diesel. The two demigods fought for an eternity. Finally, Diesel emerged victorious after ripping Greenland out of the Pangaea and hurling it at Kamprad. After this he made love to himself, spawning several overlords, and in the long run, created life as we know it.

here.

(no subject)
toofunny
chorus_of_chaos wrote in metaquotes
Found in the ljdq


""I HATE that woman!! Frigging .. damn.. leprechaun shitwagon! GRR!" - </a></a>thisisbullcrap"</b>




House Rules
Vincent
ifeedformula wrote in metaquotes

 

House rules (with lots of illustrating sub-rules!)Collapse )


monkeycrackmary has discovered Firefly (hurrah!)...
M &amp; C
_redpanda_ wrote in metaquotes
It's kind of like they put Ned Kelly (minus Orlando Bloom) and Star Wars (with extra Han) in a blender and set it to 'make Mary go bwee now.'

Yet another from the Sages...
Standing Forth
zhilbar wrote in metaquotes
In the oh-so-cracktastic sages_of_chaos, a classic statement was uttered here:


"Somewhere out there, Frank Castle is laughing his safety catches off."

It's even funnier if you know why!

The problems of authorhood.
SCA
jencendiary wrote in metaquotes
My friend cpxbrex is working on a piece of crime fiction and finding that his home state of Maine is not exactly the bustling hub of wrongdoing he'd like for a setting, and mulls moving someplace that will provide him with more material.

Another friend reccomended North Carolina as a place full of, as they put it 'gang and gun action'.

This is his reply:

"See? That'd be great! Tattooed pachucos with knife scars pedalling dope while the racist and corrupt Durham police looks the other way in a web of intrigue and corruption that goes from the trailer park to city hall!

But, y'know, what should I tell Adrienne? "Uh, let's move to Durham, 'cause I heard there's lots of crime." Not really a strong selling point. ;)"

Edited to fix a graveyard shift inspired screwup.

For the days when you just want to beat the world with a shoe
hippies use side door
loveanddarkness wrote in metaquotes
Cut for Non-Graphic Discussion of Girl Stuff.Collapse )

For all the A-Level students
chaotica
hathy_col wrote in metaquotes
An letter to the American constitution from loneraven.

You don't need self-determination. Really, you don't. You didn't have to leave, and you didn't have to set up your own government. All that "hold these truths to be self-evident" stuff*, much overrated. And listening to Montesquieu is just silly. To start with, nobody can spell "Montesquieu", and if you hadn't listened to him, then you wouldn't need to, hmmm?

Rest of the post can be found here.

Oh, the pain of A-Level politics.

(no subject)
the dancing snape
dark_mage_girl wrote in metaquotes
From the journal of the ever-quotable irradiatedsoup:



I saw Manbat today. I enjoyed it, though not as much as my bat-crazed housemites. Maybe.

Predictably, five minutes in Hope and I started applying Jump Street to everything. Have henceforth decided Bruce Wayne is actually Brian Ganz (punkling from Mean Streets, and pronounced Brain) after he got out of JD school. His hero and confidant is Tom, known as Commitment man, who throws rings at his enemies: --Namely insurance companies.

Doug (aka Suave Bowler) is Katie Holmes, except without the crazy scientologist boyfriend (His boyfriend is Commitment man). Ioki is Lucius. Fueller is Sirius. And Alfred is actually Dakota Fanning whose disguise is Judy Hoffs hair.

Simple, really.

I just cooked some really good mushrooms.



Here is the entry, though I quoted it in its entirety so I don't know why I'm linking...oh well, meh.

active_apathy amuses me yet again.
Kushiel&#39;s Legacy: Rainbow Love.
notalwaysweak wrote in metaquotes
From this entry, which really needs to be read in order to get the full effect:


1. Have you ever enslaved a population?

I have indeed. Once I took their queen hostage, the workers would frantically mine and tunnel to cater to my every whim and command. I miss my ant farm.

2. Have you ever implanted anyone?

At school, in year two, I once convinced someone they were a plant. Does that count?

3. Have you ever sacked a city?

Look, Köln, everyone likes you here. You're a valuable part of our team, but management's starting to feel that, with the economy the way it is, we can't afford your poor performance of late. I'm sorry, but we're going to have to let you go.

4. Have you ever sunk, or otherwise destroyed, a non-combatant vessel?

Yes, I have. The HMAS SportsPage, an SMH-class newspaper boat, sank with all hands. A recovery operation was attempted, but by then the remains of the vessel were little more than useless pulp. No survivors were found.



It goes on, and is hilarious. I thought I'd just post the first four and if people like them then they can go clicky and read more.

Smackdown!
Yap!
rikoshi wrote in metaquotes
monkey_toast, in a post on wtf_inc:

(And even in context, it's just as wonderfully random.)

First trimester, we resemble a canine? Bitch please. Don't make me wear my anthro-rhino-dolphin-kitten suit while I hit you both so you'll SHUT UP.

Irish Pirates
Green K
klytus wrote in metaquotes
http://www.livejournal.com/community/techsupport/714977.html?thread=5151713#t5151713

Courtesy of psyco_path

Sounds like an irish pirate.

Arr me boyo, to davey jones wit your land line. Ye never be gettin me lucky charms!

(no subject)
Pintsize
invis_shadow wrote in metaquotes
This post in customers_suck deserves better recognition than it's getting.

...three kids come rolling in, with The Gangsta Lurch in full effect, like they all have one leg about 6" shorter than the other.

(no subject)
I love the world (xkcd)
raindroproses wrote in metaquotes
meyerlemon decides to start her own religion:


So one of the main things of my faith, which I'm going to call CITRONICS, is going to be that we hate Paris and believe that it is the Portal to Hell. You are required to make the sign against evil whenever movies set in Paris are on TBS. Croque monsieur is the worst curse we have!

Citronics has a central set of beliefs known as The Code of Thirteen:

1. Thou shalt not live in Paris, nor visit Paris, nor catch a connecting flight in Paris, even if this means that thou shalt frequently have horrible layovers in London.
2. There is but one God, and his name is Brad. Brad is made up of many smaller semi-autonomous deities such as the Divine Huntress of Crispy Chicken and Russell, God of Minor Irritations.
3. Every man and woman born until this Earth will be responsible unto Brad for his or her part in various forbidden acts, such as wearing socks with sandals and being rude to waitstaff. As Brad is the Lord our God, Master of the Universe, these forbidden acts are subject to change without notice, and He shall brook no whining about how ye didn't know that The Forbidden Acts List had been updated.



You can find the rest of The Code of Thirteen here.

She grew up tall and she grew up right
Spike: No Power In The &#39;Verse
lizblackdog wrote in metaquotes
Some beautiful words from my friend shatna. You really need to read the whole post, but here's a chunk to give you an idea why:


Maymay is a master of made-up malopropisms, meaning nonsense terms that are nonetheless hilariously appropriate when used in context. She never did it to be purposely funny so much as she simply came up with words she liked better than real ones. One such word is "riggedy", which can perhaps be defined as a state in which one feels inferior, worthless and mockworthy, especially when compared to one's better-groomed, more successful peers. Riggedy is seeing all the shiny cartoon lunchboxes the other kids bring to school when all you have is a greasy lunchbag. Riggedy is using brown grocery bag paper to cover your textbooks, Riggedy is wearing brown courdroys with a rip in the knee. Riggedy is being fat, nerdy, retarded, dumb, unathletic or just friendless in a school system that produced one of the famous Enron crooks.

rachnye coping in the heat.
The Hills are Alive
purplerainbow wrote in metaquotes
Hot.

Hot.

Melting.

Tried to put the cats in the shower to cure their heat. (They were giving me that oh-god-please-shave-me look, and besides, it was damn funny.)


-I've just joined the community simply to post that. Too funny.

(no subject)
blah hum- space ghost
akiyasan wrote in metaquotes
In userpicks, lesleykajira sings us the bunny with a pancake on his head in llama llama verse.

Bunny!Collapse )

Catholicism vs. Protestantism
oolong
jenx wrote in metaquotes
wiredferret was discussing how she views her brand of Christianity:

Cut for strange religion/management metaphor.Collapse )

From the lovely and talented calichan
Irene - self
spiralstairs wrote in metaquotes
http://www.livejournal.com/users/calichan/136313.html

calichan: Because it's Ewan McGregor... and he has to expose himself.
takokami: He will not be denied! You will see his penis.

It's easy to imagine any number of contexts for this one.

(no subject)
Cartoon me
lizzyrose89 wrote in metaquotes
ticca outlines her summer holiday plans:

11th July: Rome.
20th July: Back home (or possibly, married to wealthy Italian and spitting on heads of peasants as they walk past my house).

Kind of a metameta?
Sal
saldemonium wrote in metaquotes
yarnaddict, commenting in this thread.

Star Wars Episode 15 - Obi Wan Pulls a Merlin and Gets Young Again (subtitle: and shows the world his dangly bits)

On finding the perfect hat
agent may is unimpressed
trishalynn wrote in metaquotes
I kept going into our local mall Wilson's, and they always had the same two hats--the leather cap, perfect for all those future Village People, and the bucket hat, perfect for all those future Village People who want to fish.

--seangaffney was having some fedora woes.

(no subject)
I took my pills what&#39;s your excuse
caseypuffy wrote in metaquotes
The Hamburglar seems like an improbable messiah. "Blessed are the foodmakers, rubble rubble..."

God love ljdq and all it's funny

(no subject)
Random - Trippy Colours
sarcastro wrote in metaquotes
And thus spake eimran the Fabulous:

I'll be petting my legs all night, thanks.

awesome Anarcho-Stalinist Gay Jihad of Frog-Eating European Doom powers
portraits - default vampire
bwinter wrote in metaquotes
zenicurean gets snarky on the subject of the future of American free speech:

straight from the underground Trostskyite freemason pressCollapse )

Don't we wish...
theblackdog2071 wrote in metaquotes
leanasidhe with a note

*note to mother nature: if you're going to storm, please clean the bird poo off of my car.*

(no subject)
swiss army gender
kaberett wrote in metaquotes
I'm intrigued that the urge to eat cheese is considered a greater problem than the fact that cheese talks to you. Everybody knows that cheese doesn't talk. I told my chocolate about the talking cheese and my chocolate says you are all being daft.

pink_weasel in a discussion in a locked community about cheese begging to be eaten at inopportune moments.

::dies::
sunday in the sunset leaves
minkhollow wrote in metaquotes
In a fit of boredom, I actually Googled "Neil" just to see if it would come up with neilgaiman.com, as he said. It did. And, in the ads section on the side, eBay advertised "Neil for sale". Perhaps someone should notify him of this. He may be surprised when he's stuffed into a shipping box and sent to the highest bidder.

::really wishes she knew how to use eBay::

--tea_and_snark

Best on Tom Cruise
V: 5th of November
rhonan wrote in metaquotes
I'm not sure anyone who would let Nicole Kidman leave their bed should be handing out psychiatric advice.

dangergrrl in dot_cattiness

Interesting little gem
sunshine
tikvah wrote in metaquotes
doctordidj described how the heat wave caused a bottle of his mead to explode. darkeros responded to the post as follows:

"An elegant little vintage, with just a faint hint of nitroglycerine. Will put a spring into your step and give your pacemaker a workout."

meyerlemon shares why sometimes men are better than cats...
Suits_GMacht_Grapes1
webbgirl wrote in metaquotes
From This post.

Let this be a lesson to us all! When we are fighting with our significant others, at least they don't sneak off into the laundry room and take a leak on our favorite sweater.