June 16th, 2005

my heart belongs...

(no subject)

laurelin_kit:

Dear Santa,
I've been a good girl this year. I graduated high school and everything. So, while we're on the subject of me being good and all, for Christmas this year, could you get me Kate Beckinsale's former breasts? I hear she's not using them any more.
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picture

(no subject)

From my hilarious friend entrancingpants!

"A SHORT PLAY ABOUT EMO KIDS BY KANDY [name withheld]"
by Kandy [name withheld]

SCENE: A teenage girl is walking and sees a pale, gaunt, malnutritioned-looking boy with matted, unkempt half-mohawk, bangs in face, cheek bones rigid, hands in pockets, one leg crossed over the other outside the door of a horribly trendy pseudo-indie-cyber-acoustic-poetry-jam coffee house, wearing purple Elvis Costello glasses, "The Bravery" t-shirt, navy blue blazer with considerable amount of tears and patches, ass-tight brown and green pinstripe pants, yellow Chucks, arm warmers, jelly bracelets, hemp bracelets, fingerless gloves, gold belt, wallet chain, and a pink iPod mini playing some terifically sad, melodic music.
Girl: (to boy) Let me guess, you don't want to be "labeled," right?
Boy: What?
END SCENE.

Thank god someone is putting an end to those stupid names.

I'm sick and tired of squished pairing names. I hate them.

So, I have decided to inflict even more confusing pairing names on fandom in retaliation!

Here's my list so far:

House/Wilson, shortened to Wilouse, shall now be known as William the Mouse.

Snape/Harry, shortened to Snarry, shall now be known as Snapping Curry.

Snape/Lupin, shortened to Snupin, shall now be known as Snuggling with Pins.

Sheppard/McKay, shortened to McShep, shall now be known as Mackenzie the Sheep.

I have declared it, and so it is made law!

Now it's your turn! You know that you too want to confuse fandom. Give your pairing a stupid name! ...and tell it to me in the comments, please.

ETA: Spike/Buffy, shortened to Spuffy, shall now be known as Specially Fluffy

Spike/Xander, shortened to Spander, shall now be known as Spandexed Dermatologists
ladysorka here.
Gladiator, K: Gladiator
  • kielle

Metameta...oookay, I just typed "metameat" o.O

Whoops!

memarkw: I can delete this post if it's a huge deal.

chaya: Oh, nonono. You can't just delete this and go. There's procedure. First there's the ritual flogging, and then we parade you around town, and then we drown you for a bit...then tea, then some more flogging, and--
--seriously man. It's no big deal if you didn't know.

memarkw: Can I be drowned before I'm flogged? I like to be wet during my floggings.

chaya: You'll be wet for the second time, you picky bastard!
springtime the pony

(no subject)

croaky:

I own a strange yet acute ability to without thinking draw/place people's crotch in the almost center of each digital canvas I work on. The funny effect this have is that whenever, in PhotoShop, I have had an image fully visible and zoom into details by simply using the regular zoom (navigator window or a scrollbutton)... I get a huge close-up of a crotch all over my screen.
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Punkelf

Weekly doses of scapegoat_5

scapegoat_5 decides to write an entry about last week's Exalted game. (For reference, the game never actually happened, so this is wacky fabrication land.) Sadly, the characters get away from him, prompting the following disclaimer:

Disclaimer 2: I knew someone was gonna die from the start, and then began talking out of my ass until now. [...] Greg just conveniently tried to take control of a demon. There was nothing I could do.
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kung fu

We had all your plans cancelled

From nigelnameddog, a dialogue with her boss, then describing her coworkers

Millberger: Good morning, Laura. Did you see we got you a computer?
Laura: yes, thank you. It's actually only a monitor though.
Millberger: oh, hmm. We'll get you a computer then. You do know you're moving up here next week full time?
Laura: I didn't.
Millberger: You are.
Laura: Oh, um, well but I'm going away for all of July.
Millberger: Nope. We canceled that. We had all your plans canceled.
Laura: Hmm, I thought I was only here for a week.
Millberger: No. [walks off]

Collapse )
Wow Neat

Next, on "Crossovers That Violate All Laws Of God And Nature"...

From here...

deltashade: I'm sorry for blaspheming Batman, but when I read "the real Bruce Wayne by now is sipping umbrella drinks in the tropics", I immediately got a mental image of Bruce sitting in a folding chair mumbling about how the Joker took his stapler.

shaysdays: Except Batman's is black with blue highlights and uses batstaples.

deltashade: Does he use it to batcollate the bat-TPS reports to the new batcover sheet?

shaysdays: No, because the fucking batprinter won't work.
Later, he may take the batbat to it.
polar bear paw

On ferrets. And many other types of animals.

Today over at the ljdq, my co-mod chaosvizier threatened to eat a ferret. Why would he harbor such hatred for a cute little fuzzy Slinky, you ask? He answers that question at length in this post. chaosvizier writes of many ferret escapades, finishing up with this:

"In the end, the ferret had the last laugh. The year came to an end, and the apartment needed to be cleaned out. Trash removal, washing, scrubbing, vacuuming, the whole nine yards. Into the living room we plunged, lifting carpets and chairs and tables and more. Finally, the big sofa went up on its side, and from an unnatural hole in the back poured ten months' worth of hidden ferret droppings, like coins from a Vegas slot machine. It was a veritable jackpot of crap. There were some coins in the deposit as well. No one went for the change."
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default

(no subject)

People love to say that other people don't have "real jobs" or don't "work" when what they really mean is, "You don't do the kind of work I do, and the kind of work I do is the only kind that's valuable." People tell me all the time that neither of the three types of work I do (student [which is listed as on occupation on most forms asking for occupation], restaurant work [including waitressing, bartending, hosting, running take out, and training new people], or retail work [which often includes a small amount of hard manual labour like lifting and moving heavy boxes, hauling manikins, and moving display pieces) aren't "real jobs" when they're really trying to say, "You don't sit in an office all day like I do, so you aren't as good as me."

I think most of the people who say things like that are a)jealous because they hate their jobs, b)suffering from inferiority complexes and feel obligated to make themselves sound important c)actually think they're better than everybody else, d)think that because they have money falling out their ass holes, their jobs are inherently better/more valuable, or e)more than one of the above. Clearly these people need to be poked in the eye with a sword.

Unless you cure cancer or prefect a clean, renewable energy source, or free a country from poverty and starvation, or something like that, I think you have no right to put down what anybody else is doing so long as it's something even remotely productive. If somebody's job is watching a wall of plain white paint on the side of a house dry, then call them useless, but otherwise, people should mind their own damned business.

-- mistressdeath, in my LJ
shifty

sassyeggs writes about work, which is usually a guaranteed riot

I’ve bolded the best part.

Me: the phone rings. i pick it up.
Me: I hear nothing but paper moving on the other end.
Me: IDIOTS.
Ducky: lol
Me: yes, you’ve reached Death.
Me: please die now.
Me: it is that hard for some people to say “Hello” or some response?
Ducky: ::snort::
Me: my hate for idiots is an overflowing tsunami of shovels.
Ducky: feels like that should be a haiku or something
~insert much tweaking, I had forgotten how to write a haiku~
Ducky: Idiots I hate
Ducky: But inspiration they are
Ducky: SHOVEL TSUNAMI


http://livejournal.com/~sassyeggs/362098.html

(“Ducky” is a friend of ours. ;-))
strange by comparison

(no subject)

pouringsand has a lovely discussion with a customer about God's plan for nonbelievers during the apocalypse:

found here.

And then... the Left Behind books. Sigh. At this point, the customer became especially animated, and the things he said grew progressively weirder. Some quotes:

"Well, if you liked The Stand, you'll love the Left Behind series... Stephen King just took the bits of Revelations he liked and fictionalized his account of the end of the world, but the authors of Left Behind really remain true to the Bible's account as it will soon unfold!"

......

This odd bit was repeated frequently, and he was very emphatic about it--"You would rather have YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF than be left behind! Really, your HEAD ACTUALLY CHOPPED OFF! You know those chopping blocks the French had to cut people's heads off? Well, believe you me, you would rather put your head in one of them and have it CHOPPED COMPLETELY OFF than be left behind!"


after hearing the same customer the prescence of of blue crystals as proof that God had destoryed Sodom and Gomorrah

Um... what?! (I was so tempted to ask if scientists found a lot of evidence of heads having been chopped off, too, but stayed my tongue.) Blue crystals = God's power. So God is manifesting his divine power in people's toilet bowl cleansers, rock candy and litterboxes, too, I'm guessing. Impressive.
girl
  • ini

(no subject)

blackxmage posts the picture of writing on a car windshield, obviously made by a grammatically impaired person ...
tortillafactory has to say the following:
Honk if your so horny you can't spell proparlee.

Seriously. HOW DIFFICULT IS IT? I always like to sing Strong Bad's song:

"If you want to be possessive, it's just I T S! But if you want it to be a contraction, it's I T apostrophe S!" Not very helpful, but funny anyway.


Which in turn provokes the following comment from tashabear:
We did a conga line in Language Arts once, chanting "Yes, yes! Apostrophe S! Singular possessive is Apostrophe S!"

(It was a small school.)
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    David & the Citizens - Until The Sadness Is Gone
PR || Cosmos

Well, he just isn't looking in the right places.

Of course, I never saw anything particularly lesbian about the pictures of those two bloggers together.  Women do occasionally stand around drunk next to other women without having relationships with them. Is there some big smooching, breast-squeezing picture out there that I just keep scrolling over? And if so, where is it?

--akhmed, commenting on this article
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b is for boris

(no subject)

The ever-quotable kadewire discussing secret Democrat agendas:

The Democrats are spying on me, I know, I have proof, oh yes. *mad laughter*

They just sent me a letter from the Democratic National Party, Howard Dean in particular, explaining how I should donate because they were for equality for homosexuals and were wonderful and Republicans are EVIL, yes they are, we must defeat them and only Howard Dean and his League of Democrats can take the Marriage Amendment to Mount Doom and throw it in and end G. Bush's reign of evil forever, yay!
freedom, antifa

I'm sorry, I just had to *metameta*

From here

iluvsimpleplan
At a glance, I thought the subject said "On the perils of flying 'couch'" And I thought to myself, "Flying couches?! Neat!" I think my brain needs sleep.

zastrazzi
AT least yours was innocent... more proof I need my reading glasses when I see "On the penis of flying couch"

Ow.

perlucere
Well, shouldn't flying couches be allowed to reproduce and pleasure one another?

Though, I expect being violated by a flying couch would be a scarring experience. Right up there with being abducted by aliens and watching Doctor Phil.

zastrazzi
There are just some places one shouldn't put a flying couch...

perlucere
How can you /not/? I mean, you're supposed to sit on the couch. *eyes hers* I bet it looooves the buttseckz and has been quietly enjoying itself for years...
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(no subject)

ciela_night decides what she wants to be when she grows up:

And I have decided that when I am all grown up, I want to be a businesswoman in a long black coat*, carrying a latte in one hand and an umbrella in the other hand**, walkiing down the street wearing pumps***, blond hair blowing in the wind. Preferably in London or New York****

*perhaps a tan coat instead, black really isn't my colour.
**No cell phone though, pager instead.
***well, not really because I can't walk in high heels.
****my, aren't we cliche?


Quoted with permission.
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    Shakira's "Grandes Exitos" album.
Monkeeeeeeey
  • eimran

HEE HEE. I'M TWELVE!!

An entry from sarcastro follows thusly:

Seen on a bottle of dish soap:

Mild on hands.

Hard on grease.


Somehow it just sounds wrong. *shrug* "Hard on grease" seems like something you'd see on a bottle of Astroglide.

So that's the kinky soap in the household cleaners department...


I keep thinking there was something else I was meant to say. But I don't remember right now. Sorry!


First comment made me drool a little in laughter:

tez: Hard on grease.

Plus, you'll have the cleanest cock in town!!!
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pure bread vampire

(no subject)

zenicurean here:

The next time Mormons come around to drop leaflets and pray for my immortal soul it might be polite to put the empty box of assault rifle rounds and my copy of The Call of Cthulhu somewhere less visible than the kitchen table. Oh, well. At least they didn't get to pore over constantia's collection of Machiavelli, Darwin and Crowley. Or the Tzimisce Clanbook.

...yep, I say, save that treatment for the Jehovah's Witnesses. Mormons can actually be nice and polite sometimes. ;)

(The beginning of the entry is a story beyond hilarious, but requires mad l33t language skillz in Finnish.)
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    Sentenced - The River
Sal

Hehe!

air_and_angels, commenting on what Obi-Wan does in his spare time on Tattooine, in this post...

Well, we know he occupies himself by learning to make that weird noise that scares off sand-people. I'm sure that takes up many a lonely evening.
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    Trace Adkins - Honky Tonk Badonkadonk