Metaquotes

From courtney_beth, originally posted here.

It's no wonder why we're single. We sit in front of our laptops watching MSNBC *facepalm*

From jeanne_dark, here

You know those small Pepsi cans? The hobbit ones that are half the size of regular Pepsi cans? I feel sorry for them. It's like, they're little kids, but they'll never grow up to be adult Pepsi cans because people will drink them, thus killing them before they reach their full potential. It almost makes me feel guilty for the one I'm about to drink.

From this post about a bill to repeal the 22nd amendment (the one limiting presidents to serving two terms) at ljdemocrats comes these comments:

amyrose: Maybe if we never had term limits FDR would still be Pres. Sure he's been dead a long time, but I'll take that over what we have now. :P

lavajin: Zombie President!!!!!

low_key: "...And in political news; FDR won his latest bid for reelection in a stunning landslide. This victory comes despite Republican efforts to paint him as a 'soulless brain-eating abomination to God.' Although briefly stunned by the accusations, the Democrats fired back with an ad campaign that showed he never ate the brain of anyone who 'didn't deserve it' and then countered with the highly successful, 'At least you don't have to sell your soul to be a Democrat.'"

beoweasel Oh come on, where do you think viruses, pop-ads, bestiality, pedophilia, and 85% of slash fiction comes from?

nekoama ... the Harry Potter fandom?

here

This gem:

I am NEVER going to have a baby. I'll just adopt a troubled teenager, at least I know what to do then: smack the shit out of him/her as soon as any angsty signs emerge and make sure he/she NEVER gets an LJ.

http://www.livejournal.com/~devilsnightmare/175872.html

"16 wasted weeks. All they had to do was run an LJ poll." -- jinx1419, in a locked post, quoted with permission.

super_tonic says as a comment in anomeric Journal Here

... IT'S ALL BUSH'S FAULT!

apocalypsos here:

Today's other fun fact: If I get cornered in a dark alley in the next few days by a robber, all I'll need to do is flash my lower legs at the guy and blind the hell out of him. The phrase "blindingly pale" doesn't even begin to cover it. Somewhere out there in some mirror universe, there is a poor defenseless planet that loses a major light source when I put on pants.

My side, it hurts.

Edit: I swear, I should really wait until the end of my reading to quote all the funny.

apocalypsos again:

What are we on ... like, the fifteenth metaquotes entry saying Michael Jackson got off because he's white?

He didn't get off because he's white. He got off because the prosecution had no case. You know, like an episode of Law and Order: SVU if Stabler and Benson showed up at the scene of a crime, interviewed the victims, got back in their car, and said, "Fuck it, let's go bowling."

Actual dialog transcribed into LJ form always makes for a funny. Especially when it's lost_in_my_room and his brother, Ross, with the dialog. There's no point in linking, because all the post has been copied and pasted here:
________________________________

(a bit of background for a change. my brother and i are looking into buying a house. last night i went to see him and he was watching The Incredibles)

Rob: how much do you think a place like that costs?
Ross: what, the island fortress?
Rob: yeah
Ross: i dunno. two, maybe three hundred thousand
Rob: it has a volcano
Ross: that's true, but it has a monorail system
Rob: does the monorail come with it?
Ross: yeah, but you have to provide your own henchmen
Rob: oh... well then i would say about 250
Ross: probably

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from daryljfontaine, here, describing Diet Coke with Splenda:

I am certain that there will be some taste buds for which DCw/S will be the bee's knees. However, to mine, accustomed as they are to the battery-acid kick, it tastes like the bee's knees if the bee had kneeled in restaurant dumpster slime.

A joke much_reality recieved. (Flocked entry)

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.

St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."

Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"

St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."

Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?"

St. Peter says, "She's furious."


BADUM-*ching*!

Ah, fanficrants! Every time I think of de-friending you, something comes and keeps me in. Like this.

someidiot tells us something about Japanese slang...

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and some comments are...

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And there go the rests of my innocence - if I had some of it left, eh.

taken from the lj of idav5d

Not guilty, all counts
You know why they let him off?
It's because he's white.

sorry - it made me snicker *grin*

From my roommate princess_bunny about some fabulous porn she accidentally downloaded last night in the midst of collecting from a post of music uploads:

I didn't notice until last night obviously, but appartently [name withheld] did, and asked the girl and she said she did not send that. At all. So yousendit gave her the wrong address? Or something? Of random gay porn magically to a bunch of slash fans? There is a Santa Claus man. There is.

EDIT: She f-locked it for the ID of her friend, but I do have permission.

In statements, I cited the following lyric from Michael Jackson's hit song, Thriller:

There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes.

uncut_diamond responds with:

that's what you get for picking on 10 near sighted Navy SEALs.

fluffygremlin :  The Batman isn’t nearly as tasty as I thought he would be.
arashikami : This is so many kinds of Wrong that I lack the time & fortitude to expound upon the Wrongness that it is. *gogs*

fluffygremlin : I could have expanded on his squishiness, but that would be taking it a bit far, I'm afraid.

 

Context would be pointless given that there is none.

But, I swear to God, next person to question why I have an opinion on something... you'd better sleep with one eye open. But please, don't make me kill you until after I'm a celebrity - I don't want to go to jail ;)Noted webcartoonist classicbri, here.

the_moonshiner says, here:

I can't wait to see the first Prius-related police chase. "Well, he's gotta run out of gas sometime...."

From officialgaiman:


Speaking as a foreign national, in this post 911 world I find it hard enough to get into the US with a valid green card, and am always rather nervous about accidentally bringing fruit or suchlike contraband into the country. They don't like it if you bring fruit, and on several occasions at Minneapolis airport I've been taken aside and quizzed about whether I have any fruit on my person, or a cheese sandwich.

They seem to be loosening up on other things though:

Massachusetts lawmakers on Thursday called for a closer look at border security after customs officials allowed a man carrying a sword, a hatchet, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood to cross the U.S.-Canadian border. Two days after being allowed into the United States in late April, Gregory Despres, 22, was arrested in Massachusetts in connection with the beheading of his elderly neighbor and the stabbing death of his wife in the New Brunswick town of Minto.

(It seems that the US customs/immigration people are saying that because he was a naturalised American, they had to wave him through. I bet they could have stopped him if only he'd had an apple.)

Tell your guilt-tripping matriarchs that unless they're prepared to a) memorise the entirety of Fiddler On The Roof, Yentl, and the Neil Diamond version of The Jazz Singer b) develop a liking for obscure Jewfoo and c) start schlepping instead of travelling, kvetching instead of worrying, and schvitzing instead of being hot, then they're to LAY OFF THE GUILT. - redshira on a post of mine wherein I complain about my mother and grandmother trying to muscle in on the Catholic-Jewish strangle-hold on familial guilt.

My buddy acrossthe_sea has been studying abroad in New Zealand. This is her latest update of her shenanigans whilst down under...under? LJ-cut for length.

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motel666 talks about how a former roommate keeps telling her that "writing is so easy, my professor just loved mine"....

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balatro, in a post on my f-locked journal about statements made by the executive director of the NY Christian Coalition that gays should be required to wear warning labels:

Oooo warning labels!!! Can I get "Harmful if Swallowed?" :)

In wtf_inc, kiss_the_muse posted an article about how Paris Hilton is going to retire from, well, being an attention whore, apparently.

pushmearound imagines this conversation between Paris Hilton and her fiance, Paris Latsis:

"Hi I'm Paris"
"I'm Paris too! tee-hee"
"ooo yes baybe. Lets get together and have babies. We'll name them all Paris. Like George Foreman"
"Isn't that a grill?"

thephantomq and chronos_paradox discuss ways to ward off female stalkers...

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In response to jinx1419's suggestion that an LJ poll would have been a quicker solution to the MJ trial, captainsblog responded with:

<lj-poll name='Ladies and gentlemen of the LJ, have you reached a verdict?' whovote='all' whoview='all'>

Rather than waste everyone's time with actual evidence, do you find the defendant
Guilty on all counts, fry his white ass
Guilty only of a lesser included, like "being damn scary"
Not guilty by reason of insanity
Not guilty by reason of celebrity
Not guilty because, hell, how do we know the laws on HIS planet don't prohibit this sort of thing?

Okay. So, imagine the impossible, I was looking for a *gasp!* bible. And I went to our guest's room where I supposed could be a bible. There was none. So I went and asked Mom and Dad, "If I searched for a bible, where could I find one?"
Silence.
Silence. Silence.
Me: "Weeeelll?"
Mom: *breathes* "I know we have one."
Silence.
Mom: "I know I had it a while ago in my hand...
Dad: "Maybe in the attic."
Mom: "No, sure not."
Silence.
Me: "I'll just look..."

The whole post is here.

As an atheist myself, I know this all too well. Except, you know, we don't actually own a bible. At all. XD

schatze proves what scientists and theologians have debated since the dawn of time:

schatze: Doughnuts are what I consider a simple food, the ingredients of which can't be dissected for home assembly.
schatze: Kind of like God, as far as Thomas Aquinas was concerned.
schatze: Thesis: Doughnuts might be God.
schatze: Kind of flaky with gaping theoretical holes

 

poor_choices: For years, I used my bible to prop my window open, because I needed a hardcover and it was that or my Harry Potter books.

In this post.

From rwp in childfree.

"I can't even begin to comprehend what prompted my mother to say what she did. There was no children around us to set off her BABYEZZ-radar and we weren't actually talking about children or my child-free status. I don't know...maybe menopause fucks some women up or something, but I don't think I could've been more horrified if someone had walked into Taco Bell, chopped off my father's head with a samurai sword and then used the blood spurting out of his neck stump to draw stick figures in assorted lewd and lusty positions on my forehead."

Further on down:

"Her tubes are tied up tighter than a Dominatrix's bitch."

Edit: Whole thing here

In a discussion about people who actually ask people to metaquote them:

stardance: That was funny, but it's also kind of lame that she asked to be meta-quoted.

palmer_kun: Anyone who asks to be meta'd shouldn't be.

active_apathy: I'm still not sure which is worse out of asking to be quoted, and the casual observers who merrily say 'That needs to be quoted!', not least because it forever kills the chances of whatever it was actually being meta'd.

Someone should remind people that it's honestly not hard to join. We're not a secret society, and the most complicated initiation rite there is at the moment is clicking a text link on the comm info page. The text link doesn't demand blood sacrifice, complicated chants, dancing in a circle or living alone in the woods for a month equipped with only a green pencil.

This poll inspired by this post in metaquotes

Lets find out what the verdict *really* is!

teh_kimeye (Indie) : Jesus, that guy is more slippy (slipperier?) than a jellied eel! Like, how the fuck did he get off?
I mean in court...not in his private life...eurgh.

pippins_penny: Oh, that was bad!! Shame on you!! HAHHA "get off"! HAHAHHA

In fanficrants, seaouryou said in this post about Sesshomaru/Kagome:

"This is Kagome. Kagome has no faults. None. She is like Jesus, in a way, except she has an ample chest."

(Though in my opinion, wouldn't lacking an ample chest be a fault on Jesus' part?)

terired on bad mpreg- RPG turned bad fic

The images of those characters as pregnant disturbs me a great deal. (Except for Sephiroth. For some reason I'm getting images of him rubbing his stomach and saying "Soon mother. You will be reborn soon.")

http://www.livejournal.com/users/sailor_jim/8522.html


I swear, this guy's life beats all for fascinating stories and hilarity. I'm so glad he has his own feed now.

"Nice to find out that Big Brother is just as horny as the rest of us, huh?"

i_am_that_is in response to a comment on how "Neko" apparently means "lesbian bottom" and how that makes the idea of "Neko wafers" funny (yes, I know they're Necco). It's all here.


Hahahah, lesbian wafers. No wonder they're rainbow colors.

"Hey, this candy's all gay!"