Metaquotes

ruby_fruit's pets are weird:

Saddest thing ever: a cat trying to induce the 'power' light on a PlayStation to play with it.

Awwwwwwww.

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kerrypolka reviews The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus in her own special way:

- I never realized before how much Faustus and Mephistophilis were sort of the Archie and Jughead of evil metaphysics. "Hey, Faustus! You've got unlimited power for twenty-four years, what're you going to do with it?" "...Let's go to Rome and steal the Pope's food! Hee hee hee!" "...Nice one."


More here.

saint_gachnar writes in angryletters:

Dear Jedi Council

Seriously, fuck off. You’re stupid emotional fuckwittage ruined the republic AND created fucktards like the sith. I hate you so much, and it’s not a bad emotion. If you don’t “give in” to your anger sometimes, shit festers and you end up wanting to chop off the chancellor’s head or leaving your apprentice to burn to death on a lava pit. You’re distrustful and elitist assholes who SERIOUSLY need to get laid.

So in conclusion, there is SO a try. And fear doesn’t always lead to anger. Sometimes it leads to being comforted, but you dickheads wouldn’t know anything about that shit, would you? Go shove some meditation beads up your ass, you retarded dead bastards.

Love, Bethy


[plug] And by the way, feel free to check out the angryletters community. It's awesome for stress relief, and good for a whole ton of laughs and potential metaquotes. [/plug]

woap, here:

My cat leaves things in my work shoes overnight. Like rubber bands, pens, scraps of paper. No dead things yet. I consider them his little offerings, and then put them back where they belong.

However, I found a tube of toothpaste in one shoe and a condom in the other one morning, and then I just HAD to give him a very stern lecture.

Not that he cared.

In customers_suck yesterday, I witnessed the following exchange, gave a hearty guffaw, and so I come to metaquote!

satanicmantis: that whole big/bigger/biggest size system irritates me. What's wrong with just small/medium/large?

jaseroque: Freaking CIGARETTES are the worst. Mild. Ultra mild. Super mild. Mega mild. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, what if I ever want to start smoking and want to smoke really weak cigarettes? How will I know?

The people over in fanficrants are discussing Solitaire smut:

rikoshi: King of Spades x King of Hearts x Jack of Spades OT3!!!!!1!

shotglass: NO! IT'S SIX OF SPADES BY NINE OF SPADES, j00 FOOL! XD

rikoshi: GET OUT OF MY FANDOM, HOR.

vampirehunter85: No! CARD ORGY! It's canon! When you finish the game, they all jump around the screen all over each other!

heddychaa: UM, SPOILERS.

...And so heddychaa wins the conversation.

Sunfell shared this insight about her experiences with an online dating service:

What kind of man would send a photo of his dick to a stranger? All I know is that such a male is not one I would wish to come within screaming distance of. Or high powered rifle distance.

You can check out the whole post here.


--Kris

Forgive me, I know it's lazy and incestuous, but I'm quite ill today and these really cheered me up. Funny how casual murder and bad porn does the trick every time. :) From here:

maya_slash: The Jedi need to learn how to let go. Obviously no one ever told them that unrelieved stress causes psychosis...
comedownstairs: And the path to the dark side, psychosis is.
maya_slash: If you ask Yoda, he'd probably tell you that using kitchen blender too is a path to the Dark Side.
comedownstairs: Littering? Definitely gonna get you thrown into a lava pit.

And from here:

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Eh. Anybody on the outside of anything is not going to get it. It's like sex. The observer sees the contorted faces and slappy noises. The participants feel the pleasure. Who would you rather be? *g*

--from carodee on fanthropology, here

Note: This was in a locked post. I do have permission to post here.

What do you do when the Dove Corporation calls? Well that depends.. which Dove Corporation are we talking about? ( Collapse )

setting_sun ponders a charity event by Third World countries to get rid of that pesky debt thing:

"Look at these pictures of businessmen on their mobiles going to work. If YOU got off your ARSES and donated your money now then they could afford hands free mobiles and be able to eat a sausage & egg McMuffin at the same time. Dial the number and donate, for FUCK'S SAKE. PEOPLE ARE OWNING SUBSTANDARD COMMUNICATION EQUIPMENT OVER THERE!"

More at this link:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/setting_sun/137694.html

Here, in response to someone thinking afghan blankets are made by Afghan terrorists:

This gives me an image of a bunch of hard-looking, heavily mustachioed men dressed in camouflage with those bullet-holding thingies criss-crossed across their chests and automatic rifles slung across their backs, sitting around a table knitting brightly coloured blankets and gossiping about President Bush.

And here, in response to a bookstore customer who needs to be pointed to the dictionaries:

Customer: But is this a book?
Me: *checks*
Item in question: *is a thin set of printed pages fastened along one side and encased between protective covers* = book.

movies_michelle on an unfortunate trend:

Dear The World:

It's bad enough that I find name smushing all over fandom now (thankfully, very little in House, aside from the very unfortunate incidence of Chaseman), Real World news places should not do it. Okay, so Bennifer was oddly cute, in a far-too-cutesy way. Brangelina (from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie) sounds like something that attacks and eats Tokyo. Either that or a new, sexy fiber-rich cereal.

Sincerely,
The Society for the Prevention of Making Me Crazy

A locked post from scribblinlenore, QWP:

I was perusing news headlines in salon.com and saw this interesting tidbit: "Incest would kill coca crops"

And I thought: Wow, now that's an interesting way to fight the war on drugs.

But then, upon closer reading, it actually said: "Insect would kill coca crops"

It was kind of a letdown.

It was said over here

- - -
*growls* Why the fuck can I never find a pen when I need one? Dammit. Penses are supposed to stay on my desk. (And for those of you who misread that word, no, penises are not supposed to stay on my desk. They are supposed to stay on my male, and he would not be happy if they spontaneously detached.)

*rereads that* Y'know, I make it sound like he has more than one. Oh dear. *goes to scrub out mental image*

Whee. Um. Yeah. I'm going to shut my mouth now.

totalbasscase has some practical advice: Wear your goddamn seatbelts, assholes, or I'll fucking kill every last one of you.

The entry deserves to be read.

In which aoe_knight decides to found a community against circumcision:

In other news, I've decided I should found the People Against Circumcision Massing Across the Nations. PAC MAN will stand for the right of men to have intact bodies. PAC MAN will dispel the myths surrounding circumcision. And PAC MAN will eat little white dots and try not to get eaten by colorful ghosts. You can find PAC MAN at your local pac__man community.

It made me giggle, but I'm a dork. Quoted with permission (obtained through IM).

From kit_ping , with permission, because every teacher I know feels like this at this time of year. 

 

I don't think Roger Waters really understood that, on occasion, the presence of dark sarcasm in the classroom is all that keeps the little buggers from being throttled.

Over on sages_of_chaos, d_n_alex poses a question: Does anyone else ever feel like a freak and completely alone?

Naturally, this is begging for posts making fun of emo kids. And when clarification on the definition of emo kids is requested, key_to_me puts it most beautifully.

An Emo-kid is a worthless waste of my oxygen, unless they're having sex with me, in which case YAY EMO KIDS.

Though I wanted to quote the whole of this post from soleta_nf, I've chosen only a few lines:


So I'm sitting here in my hot OMFGWHATTHEHELL hott room and junking out on Lindt chocolate truffles - you know the kind with the hard outer shell and soft filling? Well, it's so goddam hot here that the inner soft yumminess is frikken liquid. So I'm, like, drinking it instead of slowly savouring it, as one should do with expensive European chocolates. But it's kind of fun - to bite into a chocolate and have its contents burst all over your face and run down your throat... Mmm... They are so right. Chocolate is better than sex.


Hehe.

unedited discusses the rules of her new vampire game, which is all about poking fun at games like "teh darkness of teh ded soles" and junk. I keep hearing a chirpy narrator, not unlike those irritating weight loss commercials.

The second step of the Confessional is to replace your usual blood intake with a substitute. Miss Marvel has a wonderful powder that can be mixed into most drinks in order to create a sort of surrogate to tide over the blood-drinking habit. Remember: the wolf and the lamb can never be friends, but the wolf who has learned to enjoy tofurkey instead of lambchops can be friends with everyone.