May 5th, 2005

really evil grin

Lost & Found

In a friends-locked post here: http://www.livejournal.com/community/bad_sex/1464330.html (quoted with permission), kristycore discusses the "joys" of working in a hotel & cleaning up after guests have sex. She made a very astute observation about items some people just won't try to reclaim.

Other stories about this hotel, are things like housekeeping finding vibrators in peoples rooms after they check out, but by law they need to keep any items left behind for 2 months... no one ever rings up looking for their vibrators they've left behind.
  • Current Music
    Kojak on TV
Squee Kitty

Jesus likes your clothes

allichaton recounts an incident where she was suddenly accosted by some jesus-freaks.

They weren't bad, as proselytizers go. They were both very nice and seemed sweet. It's not like they were shoving their bibles down my throat and howling "REPENT, SINNER!" or anything. But why me? I guess there's just something about a black and red skirt and a black Winnie the Pooh shirt that screams, "Infidel!"
  • Current Music
    The Crüxshadows - Sinking
Costanza

Guys will probably agree...

Taken with permission from a locked post by thesumo. :D She is Summie, for clarification.

larry: you dont speak boy
[01:20] Summie says: i added you to my LJ
[01:20] Summie says: yes i do lol
[01:20] Summie says: i am a great linguist :p
larry: what does "i like your dress" mean?
[01:21] Summie says: "i want your dress on my floor"
larry: ok,
larry: "lets go underwear shoppoing"
[01:21] Summie says: "i want to see you naked"
larry: "you scare me"
[01:22] Summie says: "damn i want you"
larry: "you confuse me"
[01:22] Summie says: "shut up and get naked"
larry: aww
larry: you do speak guy
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
fo' shizzle, werewizzle

Poor copperbadge.

oh, and btw, I was putting a portobello mushroom in a plastic bag today when I apparently stretched wrong and my left shoulder went "OH NOE YOU DI'INT" in the middle of the produce aisle.

Yes, only I can suffer grocery-related injuries.

Tasty mushrooms, though. Possibly the painkillers contributed to the "party in my mouth!"ness of it all.
  • Current Mood
    studious
sammich
  • buzz

Mmmm, chocolate.

From a locked post by apis_mellifera, quoted with permission; wherein she complains about the some of the truly crappy fantasy fiction she gets for review:

"Ooooh, heroine marries in order to keep the peace between her families and her new husband is a marshmallow with a crusty evil exterior and only her love can melt the dark chocolate of his hate!"
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Wow Neat

(no subject)

[Note: I don't watch "Lost," I don't know the characters, I don't know the plot, but IMHO the following two bits are STILL funny nonetheless. This is why I love LJ -- I get all the good bits from lots of fandoms without having to, y'know, waste my time being an actual fan...]

Collapse )
springtime the pony

(no subject)

spectacular, on teh drama of friendslists. The whole thing is hilarious. This is the best part:

If you delete your journal, I'm going to be old school and assume you actually have a good reason and it's not because a wasp stung you this morning or Jupiter's moons are perfectly aligned with Uranus or you sense a pop quiz in your future, and the temptation of your friend list is just too great.

I'm also going to assume there is a chance you may not come back, bow my head in mourning, have a mini cheesecake, and take your deleted ass off my list. The strike marks fuck with my sense of order. That's all there is to it. It doesn't mean I don't cherish our e-friendship or the e-time we've e-had together.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Mad Stylin Yo!

Mrrow?

Once again, scott_lynch blesses us with his delightful wit

Memo To the Cat I Found Sleeping On My Head When I Woke Up This Morning
TO: Felis silvestris catus
FR: Homo sapiens
RE: My goddamn head

1. Would it be possible for you to find a mattress that doesn't contain my brain?
2. That's the carotid artery, and it works even better without claws in it.
3. I understand that evolution has shaped my eyeballs to somewhat resemble a Whack-a-Mole game. Nonetheless, prize tickets do not pop out of my mouth when you bop the little fuckers with your paws.
4. Do you mind? I'm using that to breathe.
  • Current Music
    The Crüxshadows - Resist/R
giants

rymo provides us with a baseball-themed metaquote

David Ortiz earned a small idiot award yesterday for explaining the reason that so many of the baseballers who’ve tested positive for steroids have been Latino. Big Papi feels that the steroid rules and laws aren’t being adequately explained to Latino players, and if there were a better structure or better literature or maybe bilingual medicine bottles we may not have this problem.
Let me take a moment as a public service to all Latino baseball players who are trapped in the ambiguities here.

*ahem*
El jugo es malo. No tomes el jugo.

[searches for translation of “cream”]


Click here for more about other minorities, women softball players, and other fun things.
alert the medic

(no subject)

I hope this is an acceptable format. Via the comments in a post to fm_alchemist (guaranteed wankiest place on earth or your money back), mikkeneko and kytyngurl2 show us that when the anonymice get annoying, the tough get disgusting.

Warning: dead baby jokes everywhere. And I think the original might have had something to do with nazis, I'm not sure, the point disappeared somewhere around "Love him or hate him, Hitler had great taste in shoes" (may or may not have be censored for this community).
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
merchgirl

(no subject)

From this thread on sages_of_chaos:

ettamccoy : Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses!

True or false?

kitpryde : False! I would hit it like a sack of bricks!

ettamccoy : If not for the gay.

kitpryde : Well, yes. But this is only a minor setback. Science is working on it!

ettamccoy : There is a cure!

kitpryde : They tried to cure me of my Jew, but not of my gay! What's up with that? Did they just see it as a lost cause?

sandersrocksit : Oh, science has been infiltrated by the GAY AGENDA. They won't let me see the entire schedule, due to my being a filthy bisexual whore, but they did teach me the secret handshake.

kitpryde : You can only know when you've shaken off the oppressive shackles of your heterosexual half. ONLY THEN can you be at one with the Gay.

And we give out better party favors.

sandersrocksit : It's true. But I just keep finding my girlfriend hot. Obviously I'm not ready to join the ranks of the Gay Illuminati.

(no subject)

Entry in tviokh's journal:
I'm looking at job postings today.
One that I came across had this listed as a qualificiation: "Knowledge and ability to use the following office equipment: computer,
telephone, copier, fax, calculator, and stapler"
...a stapler?!
I don't want to meet the tardbox who can't figure out how to work a stapler.
Then again, maybe I do. They might do something idiotic like staple their finger to the paper or shoot a staple into their eye, then run around screaming and flailing.

And in answer to this entry, grrrly comments:
stapler? i'm still tripping over the inclusion of "telephone" and "calculator" on that list. what kind of fucking dumbass doesn't know how to press numbers on a keypad?! >.<
man, i'd love to have a spycam on that wall when they conduct actual interviews. "and this here is a pencil. you do know how to work one, right?"


EDIT: I forgot the link to the entry.