April 20th, 2005

War and Peace For Dummies.

A helpful reviewer at Amazon.com was reviewing "War and Peace," when he said the following:

How does one do justice to a work as monumental and vast as Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' in the short space this review grants? Indeed, I toyed with the idea of trying to encapsulate this epic work in 100 words, but failed. I do know of one review of 'War and Peace' that was even shorter; it read:

Napoleon invaded.
It snowed.
Napolean failed.
Russia won.

I love you, anonymous reviewer-man...

Full review found here.

Look! It's NOT about the pope!

From the ever funny mookrillmoo:

"and paris hilton can kiss my ass for trying to coin the phrase "that's hot," because i SO knew it before she made it popular, and just because i say it more now because it seems appropriate is NOT because of her. i hope her giant tapeworm crawls out of her bowels during one of her home movies and eats her face off. yeah."

I once was a fairy princess

since Pope seems to be flavor-of-the-day...

a rather funny conversation from decken's post, Delicious papal sauerkraut.

Despite my lack of affiliation with the Catholic church, I decided to celebrate the new pope.
Mom: Is there anything you'd like to have with dinner tonight? It's hamburgers.
Me: Sauerkraut!
Mom: Yuck. Why do you want that?
Me: To celebrate the new German pope.
Mom: I wonder what you'd want to eat if one of the African Cardinals was chosen.
Me: Bugs!
  • Current Music
    Simon & Garfunkel: The Only Living Boy in New York

(no subject)

In re the election of Benedict XVI, edg offers:

Things Skippy Is Not Allowed To Do Now That He Is Pope

1. I am not allowed to moon the congregation.
2. I am not allowed to perform the sacrament of St. Jack the 80-Proof.
3. My miter is not a toy.
4. When in the Popemobile, Cardinals are not worth 10 points each.
(4.1. This is not because they are actually worth 111 points. -sariel_di)
  • Current Music
    Tiberius Rising - Ookla the Mok - Less Than Art
Snape Salad Tongs

Never eating a Muffin the same way again

DarkMonkey13 ponders Reel Big Fish and Muffins Collapse )

muffins used to be code. That's right, oh yes, muffins were code for sex. Damn straight. Varieties of muffin, you'll find, translate quite well into varieties of sex depending on the level of your perversion. Blueberry is when you like it rough. Chocolate chip was interracial. Chocolate was backdoor. Strawberry was your first time (aaaahhh). Banana nut was full tilt humping. Cream cheese, well you can guess at that one.

The girl that I always made these jokes with had a fixation on mini-muffins, which she insisted were not about pedophilia, but her Asian fixation.

Anyways, thought I'd share.

I need me some muffins




well, it made me laugh, then look at my chocolate chocolate chip muffin which i was eating when i read it

  • reblog

jesus' blog

original post and comment threads at atheism occurred thus:

    Of course it's not a joke! How could you ever consider Jesus' blog to be anything but the one, true blog?
    Well, there are actually three true blogs: The Blog of the Father, the Blog of the Son, and the Blog of the Holy Spirit.

whereby i laughed.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Random {Anyone who doesn't like you is w


childfree has been on a roll lately, hasn't it? linky

sssenza said: A 3-yr-old who cries hysterically because his mother leaves him to go to the bathroom for a few minutes? She has never been away from him for more than an hour? I'll bet you she goes on to homeschool them all the way through highschool, too. The kid will never ever have sex with anyone as long as he lives, because he'll never be able to be away from mommy.

sprogfree replies: I have a feeling mommy isn't having much sex either.

which prompted this from theonewhospeaks: That sounds like a combination with a potential for serious bad stuff.

and finally, from mrspook: Oedipus Wrecks.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

(no subject)

There's a Reese's Puffs commercial where they do the "When I say ____ you say ____" thing.

The band yells "Reeses!"
The audience yells "Puffs!"
The band yells "Reeses!"
The audience yells "Puffs!"
The band yells "Reeses, Reeses, Reeses"
The audience yells "Puffs!"

But I hear:

Rhesus Puffs!
Rhesus Puffs!
Rhesus, Rhesus, Rhesus Puffs!

-- indigoskynet is no longer allowed to watch television.

(no subject)

airegin on Clay Aiken talking about getting picked on:

He sounds like the guy at my high school who always talked about how the marching band "ROCKED AT THE STATE COMPETITION" and did pump fists while blowing his bassoon. That guy ended up on Match.com looking for "slender guys with good oral skills."

Found here.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Happy, Evil Grin, Amused

From my good friend schrathe

My first post here is a quote from a good friend of mine who happens to be Catholic and a wiseass:

I was quite pleased at the speedy choosing of a new Pope today. I know that Benedict was chosen to carry on certain policies the John Paul had pushed for and I think few in Rome expect his term as pope to be nearly as long as his predecessor. As I watched him step out onto the balcony to raise his hands and speak to the crowds only one thought came to my mind...."They've elected Supreme Chancellor Palpatine to the title of Pontiff. The jedi are doomed."

I figured that I was going straight to hell but there are apparently several websites to back me up on this. At least there will be a "Star Wars Nerd" section in Hades.

Random {Anyone who doesn't like you is w

(no subject)

In this post about St. Patricks day in violalee's LJ, she laments about not having anything green to wear.

I replied with:

Take a picture of something green and pin it to yourself.

Life's more fun with pictures pinned to your person.

yay alliteration!

to which violalee replied with:

Perhaps, however, I presently have not procured a part of my printer which primarily processes pixels onto paper for pinning photos onto personages.

That seriously made my head hurt. Ow
phoenix ezzicons/xiggy
  • conuly

A response to an entry posted by trollprincess

"I love being a supremely powerful liberal atheist and persecuting the Christians, who comprise a meager 88% or so of the U.S. population, and the hapless Republicans, who only control the White House, both houses of Congress, the judiciary, and most of the media."

I assume that she said it first. If not... oops.

Edit: As it happens, she quoted it from somebody else - Frederick at BushBeatBlog, apparently. I'd delete it now, but there's several comments on it, so I'd rather not. Complain a lot and I will, though. Or be redpanda, whatever.

(no subject)

badluckshindou notes to the world in general, Re: Flipflops.

"...Face it. FEET ARE UGLY. Everyone's feet. Your feet are ugly. My feet are ugly too. Everyone has damn ugly feet. I know that asking people with ugly faces to wear bags over their heads is impossible. But this isn't. What were you weirdos wearing all winter? You own proper shoes. I know you do. You live in Canada. SO WEAR THEM. Stop offending people's eyesight and stinking up public places with your sad excuse for style that's most likely caused because you're too frikin' lazy to find socks....."

The whole rant is here:

*shrugs* I find the whole thing amusing, but yes there are people who like feet. I am not, however, one of them.
  • Current Music
    Massive Attack - Angel

(no subject)

In a customers_suck discussion about loud/annoying people in theatres, silmaril shares an experience.

It's not a live performance, but one of the memories related to being in an audience that I will always treasure was being in the Trilogy Tuesday crowd for The Return of the King. It was glorious for many reasons, but one was the palpable feeling arising from 800 people, so thick that you could savor its taste: "If anyone wisecracks, says anything loudly, has an incoming cell call, or so God help me even stirs too loudly in their seat, there will be blood. Though it will be quick because we don't want to miss a moment."
menshikov default

(no subject)

sageofgodalming, in my LJ, during a discussion of Abercrombie and Fitch:

The names do strike me as a little Dickensian. Mr Abercrombie, the senior partner, tall, cadaverous, dark hair, thinning on top; Mr Fitch, short, rotund, with gold-rimmed circular spectacles and a deceptively jolly manner. Mr Hollister, the young clerk already looking to the day when he can take over the business.

Lots of comments on that entry are hilarious, really.
b&w maggie

(no subject)

cat_burglar writes in libertarianism...

Gun control simply does not work. The guys who aren't supposed to have the guns in the first place get them anyways.

You don't hear gangstas out on the street like:

Mr. Thug: Check out this new glock I got

Mr. Crunk: Whoa whoa whoa! Is that registered?! Did you wait the required 3 days to purchase it? If not, then I'm afraid we have no discussion here!

Mr. Thug: You're right. I was going to shoot up some Crips, but now that you bring that up; I should turn this in to my local law enforcement agency, where I can trade it for books.
Gene Kelly

(no subject)

My mother had a sign in her yard preceeding the last election that said "W is for Women." Apparently, I missed the back of the sign where it said, "staying in the kitchen, making babies, and not having control over their own bodies." --brutalentropy, in a flocked post on areyousmart.
  • Current Music
    Secret Agent/Asian Man (Johnny Rivers)
in flight

(no subject)

From miraielle, in the iPod Tarot meme that's going around lately.

song 5: Likely outcome
"The Portrait Gallery", Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Sample Lyrics: Dum da da da da da duuuum!

I get to go to Hogwarts! Whooooooooo! Man, this meme rocks. Oh, wait except this song has a creepy bit. Oh, oh, this is the bit where they discover that Sirius tore apart the Fat Lady's portrait, I think! So, I go to Hogwarts and have an escaped lunatic who is actually my godfather totally creep me out while looking for the man who murdered my parents? Yeah, that's it. But Hogwarts!

(no subject)

As said by rosefox here we have the following, to add to the news of the Pope:

In A.D. 2005
Papacy was beginning.

Priest: What happen ?
Altar Boy: Somebody set up us the pope.
Altar Boy: We get white smoke.
Priest: What !
Altar Boy: Main balcony doors open.
Priest: It's you !!
Pope Benedict XVI: How are you congregants !!
Pope Benedict XVI: All your saint are belong to us.
Pope Benedict XVI: You are on the way to salvation.
Priest: What you say !!
Pope Benedict XVI: You have no chance to convert make your time.
Pope Benedict XVI: Ha Ha Ha Ha ....
Altar Boy: Father !!
Priest: Exit square every 'Zig'!!
Priest: You know what you doing.
Priest: Move 'Zig'.
Priest: For great holiness.


dolfairy173 posted:

Is it just me does the new Pope look scary?

*runs and hides from the scary Catholics who are running after her with torches*

which spawned several comments that are awesome... go take a look

Edit: fixing the strikeout
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

The art of being ill

queenbamfie describes a bout of sickness here:

So, in the height of my hysteria and after various rubbing, pulling, slapping and wiggling movements, thus ascertaining the fact that it was not, in fact, my imagination, nor was it cramp, I gave up and bubbled like a small baby that had just realised mummy didn’t love it anymore. In fact, I bubbled like a baby that had just realised mummy didn’t love it anymore and neither did daddy and they regretted ever making it and were moving to Hawaii to pursue their dream of grass skirts and hula dancing and never coming back because after a half hour THE PAIN HAD NOT GONE AWAY, OH MY GOD THE PAIN (in case you didn’t get it the first time).

The whole post is hilarious...
YJ: Greta

Meta-meta time!

In the comments from this post, twfarlan and _redpanda_ discuss the theatre environment during a LoTR trilogy marathon:

twfarlan: 800 people gathered together to sit in a theater for 19 hours watching all three LotR movies? What's palpable there is the smell; you could probably cut the air with Sting.
_redpanda_: ...I just pictured the wrong Sting. As in "formerly of the Police."
twfarlan: Wasn't the one I was thinking of, but it fits. Perfect place and time for a round of "Don't Stand So Close To Me."
jrm gorgeous

(no subject)

Upon learning that Ewan McGregor, Viggo Mortensen and Jonathan Rhys Meyers all have movies premiering at Cannes, lilithilien replies to my post with the following, which resulted in me laughing tears.

Link to the whole thread in question. And this is just cut for length :) Nothing offensive should be behind the cut :P

Day 1: Colin Farrell announces that he will join Ewan McGregor, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and Viggo Mortensen at the Cannes Festival. Quote: "We're just goin' for the craic, ya know, me an' the fellas."

Collapse )
  • Current Music
The Keyhole
  • xanath

Vanity of vanities, all is publishing

The lovely and ever-entertaining crevette has this to say about yet another sucker aspiring author whose work of Duran Duran-inspired poetry has been printed by Publish America:

She's talking about people going to Barnes and Nobles or Borders to buy her new book. I guess she doesn't know they won't buy shelf copies from PA because of the no refund policy. I guess she doesn't realize it's going to cost about $20 for a paperback from them, and with a fandom tapped out from selling all their worldly possessions to follow the band on tour, she's not going to find a big audience there.

I can't get the image of a caravan of Duran Duran groupies out of my head--preteen girls with big hair, pink eyeshadow, and ripped tights, squealing, "Omigod! Like, gag me, Simon is just so bitchin'!," in between calling their parents for cab money to come home from the latest Duran Duran concert on the county fairgrounds.

For the rest, which is hilarious, go here.

  • Current Music
    "No Spill Blood," Oingo Boingo
an allegorical figure on the lam, meanwhile...

Papal Laundry

I think, no matter what my good intentions, if I were Pope the first thing I'd probably end up doing is sticking one of my old Cardinal-colored socks or underwear in with my Pope-colored laundry, so I'd be wandering around wearing pink by mistake as I tried to get the whole traditional structure of the organization to be more tolerant and compassionate and rational.

Then the conservative old guys would probably try to burn me at the stake, but hey, they're old. Maybe I could outrun them.

-- elke_tanzer, on if she were pope
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
  • almeda

On the need for better tampon marketing

From anotheranon (in this post):
If I am ostepathically bullied into re-joining the "once a month" club, I'd be SO all over "Blackbeard the Pirate's Rugged Tampons! Fer pluggin' th' bloody hole afor' th' sharks smell ye!"

Whoops. Apparently anotheranon was quoting, but didn't say so; so sorry! Several helpful folks did point out below in the comment thread just where and who and etc really *did* say it first.

Of boasting and music

mothergoddamn, on the repetition of 50 Cent's videos on British music stations and those claims...no offence to 50 Cent fans intended.

In an attempt to catch New Order's new video "Jetstream" I attempted an hour of music channel The Box last night where it is rumoured to be in regular circulation. However, apparently at some point 50p has purchased the channel and made every hour the "Fiddy Hour". Either that or or his Mum will not stop ringing in and selecting the hole-ridden son of a knob's videos. As much as I love sitting back and letting such Wildean-like beauty as "I'll take you to the candy shop, I'll let you lick the lollipop" roll over me in its gentle, subtle waves I have better things to do - like put my head in the oven.

If anybody out there is sitting on bullet number ten-please commence.

Quoted from a locked post, with permission.