_skye_: If you can sing "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General" I may be in love.
Kid stuff! I can sing ALL the songs from The Pirates of Penzanze.
_skye_: *Best Southern accent*
Why, sir! I beg you to STOP! I'm a married woman, sir, and you are positively giving me the VAPORS!
lostidol: Fear not, good woman. Your marriage is in no immediate danger! For, not only am I a man of pure intentions, but if you actually heard me sing those songs, your VAPORS would quickly turn to LIQUIDS and then SOLIDS.
I am the person who eagerly picks up the copy of People magazine in the dentist's office waiting room, no matter how out of date it is, because it will help me match names to faces and figure out who all these nearly-identical-looking skinny people are whose names people flick around like badminton birdies and whose purpose in the universe I am clearly supposed to already know.
Alright, so everyone should know that sperm is surrounded by all that goo for a reason. It's because it shields it from the vagina's acidic fluids.
Then I realized something. I bet my vagina is more acidic that most. I mean, my personality is, why not my fluids? I bet that my incredibly bitter disposition (which increases by the day) has affected my womanly parts. I bet that my crotch is now SO ACIDIC that if I had unprotected sex, that I could melt someone's dick off. CLEAN OFF.
"Uh, sorry kid, your dog is gay, I'm not going to give it a rabies vaccine. Good luck with that!"
jacinthsong: Everyone should write entries like this. It would make LJ much more entertaining.
First thought: That would be so great, someone should make a program that does that.
Second thought: *envisions the thousands of graphs drawn by the goffs and emo-kidz*
Hang on a minute...
And doublefourtime comes up with ( Collapse )
This all leads to my main point. I need a car that isn't just a little Honda. I
With a rocket launcher.
And a fork-lift on the front.
I'd never have trouble in traffic or with finding a parking spot ever again, gasoline prices be damned.
From a post angsting about jobs:
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"Johnnie Cochran has died...and Jerry Falwell is in critical condition. Is it wrong of me to hope that Rev. Fred Phelps, another divisive force and general dickwad, will take the sick and make this a trifecta?"
...Well, it made ME snicker.
In the comments from the meme he did, I said this, "OK, a secret: wait a sec - this is public note! What secret could I leave that no one knows but I don't mind everyone knowing?? Hmm... all right, here: I still harbor delusions that I could write something worth publishing, but I can never come up with a decent plot." and his response to me was
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His icon is pretty great too.
ETA: Sorry I had to delete the old post & re-post it, but LJ decided it was going to screw with me. :)
The Florida Tourism Department will never make an honest travel brochure. Why? Because if they did, it would be a scene from Dante's Inferno. Seething ant mounds would loom high over the heads of terrified citizens who resemble overcooked beef jerky. Screaming toddlers would be chased by buzzing swarms of stinging insects while sand crabs attached their snapping claws to the testicles of sun-broiled tourists as they hot-foot across melting blacktop, yodeling arias of untold agony.
More in here.
Lydia has picked up hitting people with toys as a sport again. I guess toy swords on the weekend were too much for her. She also pulled my hair today and the more I yelled the more she laughed. We also had a loud disagreement about using emu pepperoni instead of soap in the bath tub.
I mean, I know Jesus died. And he was buried in a cave? And then he came back to life because of a sale at Lazarus?
From Neil's blog, here. Because Neil is of the good.
Actually right now it doesn't beckon; instead it holds up a megaphone in front of its mouth and is shouting "OY!" through it, and then making rude gestures as soon as it's got my attention.
chibimora in a locked post:
I feel like cnn.com should have some sort of headline.
CRISIS: SIX MILLION PEOPLE SUDDENLY HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO ELSE TO DO.