Metaquotes

wanderingrogue on the news that the Pope may need a feeding tube:

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In this thread, lostidol's musical bravado rapidly condenses:

_skye_: If you can sing "I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General" I may be in love.

lostidol: Psssssshhhhhhh!

Kid stuff! I can sing ALL the songs from The Pirates of Penzanze.

_skye_: *Best Southern accent*

Why, sir! I beg you to STOP! I'm a married woman, sir, and you are positively giving me the VAPORS!

lostidol: Fear not, good woman. Your marriage is in no immediate danger! For, not only am I a man of pure intentions, but if you actually heard me sing those songs, your VAPORS would quickly turn to LIQUIDS and then SOLIDS.

It's full of funny.

Like this quote, from farmer:

You can't expect everyone to read the FAQ. Instead, there should be a page somewhere, where they collate the answers to frequently asked questions...

Meta-meta!

Dear Mom and Dad,

Should I ever, god forbid, enter a persistant vegetative state, please remove the feeding tube and let me die *before* the jokes about me spread across the internet.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter

~ bardha, here

Another day, another reason why thorne_scratch is awesome.

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From the inimitable misia in this post:
I am the person who eagerly picks up the copy of People magazine in the dentist's office waiting room, no matter how out of date it is, because it will help me match names to faces and figure out who all these nearly-identical-looking skinny people are whose names people flick around like badminton birdies and whose purpose in the universe I am clearly supposed to already know.

weaselface, on bitterness and unprotected sex:

Alright, so everyone should know that sperm is surrounded by all that goo for a reason. It's because it shields it from the vagina's acidic fluids.

Then I realized something. I bet my vagina is more acidic that most. I mean, my personality is, why not my fluids? I bet that my incredibly bitter disposition (which increases by the day) has affected my womanly parts. I bet that my crotch is now SO ACIDIC that if I had unprotected sex, that I could melt someone's dick off. CLEAN OFF.

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apartment42b, in a reply to a locked post I made about the bill passed in Michigan allowing doctors to refuse service to homosexuals upon moral/ethical/religious grounds. It made me giggle, but at the same time, it's a good comparison.

"Uh, sorry kid, your dog is gay, I'm not going to give it a rabies vaccine. Good luck with that!"

Cate

doublefourtime posts about her day in graph form. Everyone is delighted.

jacinthsong: Everyone should write entries like this. It would make LJ much more entertaining.

doublefourtime:
First thought: That would be so great, someone should make a program that does that.
Second thought: *envisions the thousands of graphs drawn by the goffs and emo-kidz*

Hang on a minute...

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"Living well may be the best revenge; living well in front of your ex-boyfriend is even better." - peaseblossom03, in a comment to a friends locked post in my journal.

mithras commented on this post</i> in mock_the_stupid saying,

"It's a good thing that Jesus didn't see his shadow when he stuck his head out of the cave on Easter...

If he had, we'd have 6 more weeks of Lent."

"I thought doctors took The Hippocratic Oath, that states, 'First, do no harm...'. I guess that it was amended to become The Hypocritic Oath, and now says, 'First, do no harm ... unless they're heathens. Then harm away.'"
-- hiddenmuse, here.

Cate

I've always wondered why Warren Ellis doesn't get metaquoted more often, but I can't pass this one up. From this post.

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superforeigner complaining about school traffic, among other things:

This all leads to my main point. I need a car that isn't just a little Honda. I
need...

A tank.

With a rocket launcher.

And a fork-lift on the front.

I'd never have trouble in traffic or with finding a parking spot ever again, gasoline prices be damned.

You know how whenever someone posts something funny there's always a comment saying, "omg I just spat my juice out on my computer"? blondebeaker beats them all:

"And I just sprayed pepsi all over my kid"

link

If the man don't breathe, you must bequeath.

From peterdavidblog Here

[my pissy disclaimer edited out-- amandathegreat is right, detracted from the quote and broke the rules by being too long. It also confused some people who think the disclaimer was taea_dol's. Sorry!] [let's discuss this in my journal, if you feel the need -- http://www.livejournal.com/users/caprinus/19050.html. I welcome debate.]

From a post angsting about jobs:

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From a friendslocked entry on her journal, with permission from pacalissanctum:

"Johnnie Cochran has died...and Jerry Falwell is in critical condition. Is it wrong of me to hope that Rev. Fred Phelps, another divisive force and general dickwad, will take the sick and make this a trifecta?"



...Well, it made ME snicker.

From this post by hellhound_zorr . 

In the comments from the meme he did, I said this, "OK, a secret: wait a sec - this is public note! What secret could I leave that no one knows but I don't mind everyone knowing?? Hmm... all right, here: I still harbor delusions that I could write something worth publishing, but I can never come up with a decent plot." and his response to me was
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His icon is pretty great too.

 

ETA: Sorry I had to delete the old post & re-post it, but LJ decided it was going to screw with me.  :)

laguera25 sounds off about the weather in her home state.

The Florida Tourism Department will never make an honest travel brochure. Why? Because if they did, it would be a scene from Dante's Inferno. Seething ant mounds would loom high over the heads of terrified citizens who resemble overcooked beef jerky. Screaming toddlers would be chased by buzzing swarms of stinging insects while sand crabs attached their snapping claws to the testicles of sun-broiled tourists as they hot-foot across melting blacktop, yodeling arias of untold agony.

More in here.

Context: cortejo is the mother of a precocious toddler, lydia_lynch...:

Lydia has picked up hitting people with toys as a sport again. I guess toy swords on the weekend were too much for her. She also pulled my hair today and the more I yelled the more she laughed. We also had a loud disagreement about using emu pepperoni instead of soap in the bath tub.

In a locked entry (posted here with permission), my friend pennywhistle asked for her Christian friends to explain Easter to her, because she did not understand the religious significance.

I mean, I know Jesus died. And he was buried in a cave? And then he came back to life because of a sale at Lazarus?

gabbysun runs into one of the many reasons why fanfiction.net is like the bastard child of the fanfiction archive family.

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... did I get here first? Damn.

From Neil's blog, here. Because Neil is of the good.



Work beckons.

Actually right now it doesn't beckon; instead it holds up a megaphone in front of its mouth and is shouting "OY!" through it, and then making rude gestures as soon as it's got my attention.

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Yes, another AIM outage quote, but whatchagonnado?

chibimora in a locked post:

I feel like cnn.com should have some sort of headline.

CRISIS: SIX MILLION PEOPLE SUDDENLY HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING TO ELSE TO DO.

I <3 Mary... but not like that. XD

"On a scale of one to lesbian, I'm orange."

~m4ry73, here.

rushdie

A little ditty I snickered and cackled over where megapope's feeling a titch more than disappointed over today's current toy stores and their wares. I find it hard to argue with him...

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As a side note, I would like to point out that if one is going to be obsessed with oil and sex, I think one should be going in the opposite direction. Less oil and more sex, thank you. --foleyartist1