March 8th, 2005

Top Model - Ms J


In this post, total_static shares his experience having a physical.

Anyway, my doctor (a sexy foreign chick) had me drop my pants and then called in the nurse. Another sexy chick. I was sitting there like, "They're gonna examine me together and then the dirty doctor/nurse/patient fetish sex can commence." But instead of that happening, the doctor took a relatively large q-tip and without warning stuck it in my peehole.

Stuck it. In. My. Peehole.

Ya know, I had been kinda sleepy up until that point. But having a q-tip shoved inside my cock unexpectedly definitely woke me up.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
  • snacky


infinitemonkeys returns from vacation and notices some rumblings on her friends list:

I see that Friendsditto caused a cloud of hissyfits last week and I thought that amid the general "Subscribe to Frienditto and I will SHUN THEE!" and "defriending amnesty" posts, I should state my friends list position once more:

If you defriend me, I understand that this is seldom a personal judgment but more the manifestation of a general diverging of interests. The LJ use of terminology is freighted with meanings which makes it incredibly difficult to negotiate a social contract agreeable to all and understood at an end user level

Nevertheless, I *will* hunt you down and kill you.

Not so quick on the button now, are you sunshine? Not now that you know that I'm going to shove your computer so far up your freckle you can type the answers to the "Which rock god would shag you?" meme with your tongue

And if you hide yourself away I will send my RABID KILLER ATTACK BEES after you and don't go saying there's no such thing as rabid killer attack bees, did you not watch The X-Files? Was the philosophical message of The Swarm lost on you? Did Michael Caine toil for NOTHING?

Also, I know there are killer attack bees because I have the Discovery Channel, National Geographic, Animal Planet, the History Channel and the food channel on my cable package which is like AN A-LEVEL in Weird Shit (I also have UK Style, oxymoron though it is) and I am thus an EXPERT in Weird Shit.

Well, weird shit, sharks and Nazis. And if you defriend me I will send the RABID NAZI SHARKS after you. That'll be the second wave, after the bees. And then the bees will sting the sharks to get them really pissed off. You won't even be safe IN THE BATH, you evil defriending BASTARD!

Now where was my medication again?

Witness her genius here.

UN scrabble

infinitemonkeys here says:

Condoleezza Rice is altogether too greedy for letters. I mean, not only does she have double E, which is pushing it a bit but she also has double Z. I suspect it's all part of a plot in which John Bolton, will use the UN to force other countries to accept the use of proper names in Scrabble, allowing Dr Rice to lengthen the word 'condo' in any game to condoleezza and thus use TWO zeds, one of them probably on some kind of double word score because she's just that jammy, and reinforce American superiority in all fields of endeavor.
  • Current Mood
    giggly giggly
lanna is gay, pride

(no subject)

carmen ponders:

Without figuring out how and why it would work, how would it feel to be fourteen years old, sitting next to your best friend who is gay and who thinks you are too, singing a gay song the gay bus driver has turned up loud on the gay radio station? How would it feel if every song you ever heard was written by one gay person to another? What if every book you ever read, every movie you ever saw, every billboard you ever passed featured the beauty and joy of gay love? How do you feel and who do you tell how you feel?

Now, not everyone is a healthy, happy homosexual. There are people who are thought to be sexually obsessed with people of the other sex. The very thought could make you sick. These people are technically called heterosexuals, but most folks refer to them as "breeders." "Make love not breeder babies," the bumper sticker says. Once, when a local group of breeders tried to get legislation passed so they would not lose their jobs or apartments for being straight, you actually saw a sign that read: "Kill a breeder for Christ."

Read the entire post. Too long to metaquote, but worth every second. :) This isn't her writing, she's just passing it on.

Misc - Three Sisters

(no subject)

first post. from the syndicated feed doocefeed which is (nearly) always hilarious.

"I get email from people who hate Mormons, from people who hate me for ever being a Mormon, people who hate me because I’m not Mormon anymore, people who think I need to accept Christ into my heart so that I can live eternally in His Open Arms, people who CANNOT BELIEVE that it is legal for someone like me to have a personal website especially since my potty mouth is so full of potty, and people who have died, come back from the dead, and are delivering a special message to me from God that he is angry with me. YOU THINK I AM KIDDING. I MAY BE CRAZY BUT I AM NOT KIDDING."

the rest can be found here, including a nearly unbelievable email from one of the aforementioned jackasses.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
atu by <lj user= "antonella87">

(no subject)

coocoocthulhu on people saying that Hermione was "evil" in The Order of the Phoenix in this post

What the fuck was she supposed to do? Use her l33t ninja powers to escape from Millicent's grasp, shatter Umbridge's wand with her SUPERIOR WANDLESS MAGICK, strip down to a leather bikini and heal everyone's souls with her magical tears?
And then make the sweet lurve with Draco because they're secretly soul-mates, right there in Umbridge's office in front of everybody (including the kitten plates)? And yea, their couplings seemed to last an infinity and a day, and the Goddesses and lesser Gods wept tears of pure joy at the sight of their purest of pure love. Thankfully, Pansy thought ahead and cast a "sperm-be-gone" spell on Draco, so that there would be no ickle Dramiones or Hermcos coming forth in nine moon cycle's time, and it was good because children are not sexy.*
*I seriously messed that one up, there should be at least twenty mentions of "seed" and "bountiful busoms" and "maidenhood" in there


From the lovely and talented meredith_mae, who denies authorship but does admit to stealing it from someone else's journal, so it qualifies:

If College Students Wrote the Bible

* The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

* The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

* A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

* Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

* Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's E-mail to

* Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

* Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

* Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

And, cause Ray can't keep his mouth shut much less follow the rule about not self-quoting...

* Mark, Luke and John would have been in serious trouble for plagiarism;

* "What is truth?" would have produced an all-night bull session in Pilate's dorm room, with Jesus's crucifixion finally being ordered because He kept winning at Risk all night;

* There'd be midnight showings of the Book of Revelation with people getting stoned while playing "Dark Side of the Moon" in the background;

* The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not illegally download Psalms;

* The 12th: Remember the Sunday brunch, to keep it holy;

* The Philistines would never have attacked the Israelites: even a win would have messed up their RPI and affected their chances of making the tournament;

* The Ark would have had two kegs of every beer.
approaching calm

On LiveJournal and Read-Only Mode whiners.

(first two lines are from jabber -- rest is from thedaniel)

> As a paying subscriber, I'm more irritated by the complaints of
> free-loaders than I am by actual maintenance getting done, though.

So true. I find it hard to believe that there are folks out there that believe that the real-life costs to host, deliver, and organize information are subject to some vague "the internet should be free"/"information wants to be free" slogan. I suggest to those folks: Notebooks and pencils very, very rarely go into read-only mode, and are also able to host journals.

  • Current Mood
    amused amused
neon and chrome

from my friend rightoforange

Because the visuals I get from this are just hilarious:

I am on my upstairs computer and I am going to have to agree with Seanny. I just got out of the shower, and posting in nothing but a towel is quite a sensation. Next time I will try updating on my head. That should be a good one. Or even, on my head dressed in only a towel. That would rock too. But anyway, for the actual update. (As water drips on Keyboard.)

May I offer you a bag and some heavy rocks?

Recently, an attempt was made to start drama in nouglybabies. The post (which in and of itself referred back to a deleted post) and its attempts to incite a ruckus were irritating, but it was converted from petty flamewar to work of art by one catsluvdmb, who began flaming and debating in haiku:

Provoking drama
where drama comes like water.
Are you very bored?

All 150+ comments are worth reading because there are many many wonderful haiku, but
Collapse )

And soooo many more...
EDIT: I spelled catsluvdmb wrong the first time...
Gianni: We Are Libya

(no subject)

From a locked post-- with permission-- by pocket_mystic, a Canada native, on her country's choice of symbols.

Our national animal is....a beaver. A frickin beaver. A fat little rodent with buckteeth and a slappy tail. "Whoo, don't mess with Canada, we have beavers!" Beaver-"*slaps tail*....O.O?....*eats a tree*" And our national symbol is....a leaf. Wow. Aren't we an intimidating country. A leaf and a beaver. Watch out, we'll get our beavers to gnaw down all your trees and then we'll horde your leaves.

  • Current Music
    "Holiday"-- Green Day


First, from lysana, we have this post (and a response from calieber). She's describing a picture (linked to in the post), but the description itself should be shared far and wide: Collapse )

And for our second metaquote, bkwrrm_tx in this post worries about her daughter's, um, fluid output (said daughter is currently in the ICU for problems relating to a long-term cancer fight): Collapse )
  • Current Music
    Mary Jane Lamond - Hi Ri Him Bo
sporfle, akotas, ehehe, snerk
  • mhari

(no subject)

So, I set it in a warm-ish oven to rise "until double."

Honest, that's what the recipe says. "One hour or until double."

Not "one hour or until the bread now has the same approximate volume as an olympic sized swimming pool."

Okay, I exaggerate. A bit. A wee, little bit. But, this is the most enthusiastic bread I've made in a long time. I suspect it's making up for the Great Apathetic Pumpernickel Disaster of 2005. It got, like, big.

--tanacawyr's Adventures in Baking.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

Amazing Marie Claire reading experience of queeniefox

Happily reading Marie Claire.
Advert for Herbal Essences falls out of the magazine.
I unfold advert for Herbal Essences.
Advert produces the noise of a woman faking an orgasm. (Because the shampoo is a 'totally organic experience', oh my sides.)
I show this to unevendays, because I feel it will improve her life to be as disturbed as I am.
I move to throw the advert away.
I wonder what will happen if when the cleaning lady empties my bin the advert will fall open and then what will she think of me????
I attempt to pull apart the advert.
The problem is that once I have disconnected the orgasmatron from the cardboard it starts making the noise again and this time will not stop.
I randomly pull wires out but no like the fire alarm from Friends it seems impervious to this.
I end up jumping up and down on said orgasmatron before finally silencing it and throwing it and the cardboard away.

In conclusion I can only wonder what the neighbours thought to the orgasmatron/floor shaking accompianment.

from here.
  • Current Music
    The Coral - Secret Kiss