Metaquotes

From a comment by rimrunner on this post at customers_suck:

Several years ago I was at a strip club in Seattle with some friends, when the Seafair Clowns came in.

Read that again. No, you didn't read it wrong.

The only sight more disturbing than a clown getting a lap dance is a clown getting a lap dance from two dancers at once. Afterward the dancers were all walking around with obscene balloon animals the clowns had made for them. That was a little odd, too.

I pretty much stopped going to strip clubs after that, because I don't think I'll ever see anything that could top it. If I could, I don't think I WANT to see it.

 And you know they all arrived in the same car...

I'm popping my metaquotes cherry here.

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rabbitorf is quoted from this post:

"When i am a vet, decapitating patients won't happen nearly this often."

Ah, twentieth century. Still not missing you.

--said theodicy

laurelin_kit asks about the wording of the 14th-century knighting ceremony in little_details. aimlesscoyote fires back with:

Yo, biznatch, I hereby dub thee dubiously-servile-metal-wearing-dude. For thou art gnarly and manly in a very un-slashy and heterosexual way. You may rise.

My episode of CSI, titled "Compulsion," will air on CBS on March 10th. If I did my math correctly, that's next week.

Oh boy!

. . . I think I just peed a little.

(sorry)

--wilwheaton

zdashamber might just be on to something....

Actually, what I really want to know is why there aren't stave-mice. Who wouldn't want to surf the internet while standing solemnly in a dojo making fine manipulations with a long stick? Whose heart does not thrill at the thought of beating the crap out of intruding ninjas with one's mouse? "brb - ninjas"

Before I found pro_scurvy, I thought I was the only one who felt this way about vitamin C. I tried to hide my feelings; I always had OJ for breakfast, just to feel "normal". Then I discovered a group of people who showed me that scurvy was natural and beautiful, that a full set of teeth and unblemished gums was just an impossible ideal set by the Hollywood elite. These people accepted me for who I am. They support me and my decision to starve my body of nutrients in any way I see fit. I won't say it hasn't been a long hard road, but whenever I backslide and have lemon with my tea, pro_scurvy has always forgiven me and comforted me with the knowledge that tomorrow is another day. All I have to do is forgive myself and vow to be strong in the face of ascorbic acid.

–quizzicalsphinx, here, having fun at the expense of all them pro_ana weirdoes

Comes to us from elorie:

Reasons Why You Should Never Date...(Or, My Own Version of Darkside Astrology)

..an Aries. Empathy, what empathy? Huh? Why did that hurt your feelings?

..a Taurus. It's their stuff. It will always be their stuff. You can be married ten years and they will be able to tell you which books and CDs are yours and which ones are theirs. They might, however, forget your birthday.

..a Gemini. You will never get a word in edgewise again.

..a Cancer. Moods that rival Scorpio's, but less sexy. Worrywarts.

..a Leo. It's the movie of their life, and you are in the supporting role. They can be gracious as long as you acknowledge this eternal truth.

..a Virgo. Obsessive compulsion is not a replacement for a personality.

..a Libra. As long as you don't really care if they never, ever, ever make up their minds about anything, you should be fine. Unless the way they also flit from one lover to the next bothers you...

..a Scorpio. They sulk, hold grudges, and are vindictive. The sign most likely to become a stalker. But, sexy.

..a Sagittarius. They're iconoclasts, see? Silly mundane rules were not meant for such as they. They're rebels. This means they will never, ever show up on time for a date.

..a Capricorn. There are ways that Things Are Done, and ways that they are Not Done. And the Capricorn knows what they are. And woe betide you if you don't. Tardiness drives them insane. However, they do not have the Virgo's saving grace of neatness.

Sagittarius and Capricorn are the Zodiac's "Marriage Made in Hell"

..an Aquarius. Deep down, they think of you as an experiment.

..a Pisces. Because they are batshit crazy.

The comments on the post are just as amusing.

g_dude has an unsettling experience:

There are few stranger feelings in this world than the one of reaching into your pocket and discovering a banana.


How true it is.

My friend errant_variable had a bit of a frustrating day a while back...

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i have abstained from the use of capital letters because it goes against my communist leanings. i believe the heirarchy of capital letters should be abolished, as it brainwashes people into being more inclined to live in a capitalist (and thus prejudiced) environment.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/bad_rpers_suck/1148257.html#cutid1

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In a fictional conversation with Death, fantomas71 hears Death say:

"Jesus, I hate being linked with taxes."

Entire story here.

eruthros and sineala had a snow day. IM Hilarity ensued.

eruthros: Squid are, like, inherently funny.
sineala: Hey, they are! Squid! Heh. That's cool.
eruthros: That's why the HP Giant Squid is EXTRA funny.
eruthros: He's a GIANT. SQUID.
eruthros: Squid! Underwater life-saving squid!
sineala: Duuude. You know, that would totally be a good crime drama setup. Well, a funny one, anyway.
eruthros: *g* Word.
eruthros: That could be the theme song. "Squid! Underwater life-saving SQUIIID!"

Could this be the next breakout cop show? Read the full post for excitement, angst, dramatic inky-squirting, squidall relations, and very complicated handcuffs.

Tikistitch finally got to see The Aviator. If you must see it, bring plenty of Kleenex. Because you'll need them for the next several hours to grip the bathroom doorknob, shake hands, grip milk bottles, etc.

--from the journal of tikistitch

smuu's take on this year's Oscars.


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while we're on the tangent of metaquoting wilwheaton as well as talking about the oscars, i thought this was truly the best of both worlds, and made me pretty much "lol" for real.

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From this chain of comments:

hellhound_zorr :  Don't you mean BREAKING me out of jail? You would get bail, by then they'll just hang me. I can see it now...."for crimes numerous and destructive in nature.....impersonating a cleric of Tempus, refusing to believe that your neighbors are not Uruk-Hai, listening to: Slipknot 47, Still Traumatized Because we Grew up in Iowa too loud and causing the heart attack deaths of 15 of the other old farts in the nursing home, for refusing to stop sleeping with 25 year old super models even after they die from chloroform overdose, for selling you own blood in vials as a Viagra substitute...." the list could be endless!

 

shoiryu, on the amazingness of her campus library's computer system:

SHOI: "*looks up 'spetsnaz'*"
COMPUTER: "Fifteen results returned, including a detailed bibliography."
SHOI: "*looks up 'angelic lore'*"
COMPUTER: "Twenty-eight results returned, including books on paintings."
SHOI: ".....*looks up 'homosexual samurai'*"
COMPUTER: "Twelve results returned. You pervert."

the_partyman posts fanfiction by/about Vincent the Shifty-Eyed Dog of Doom from Lost:

"Woof!" woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof.

Woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof.

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof", woof woof.

Woof woof woof, woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.

Woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.

Read the entire story here. Watch out for the twist ending.

My friend rajagaj is a law student. Feel her pain.

"...if you're job is to grade me on presentation, DON'T only tell everyone good stuff unless you're giving us all A's. I'd rather have myself get torn a new asshole if doing so will prduce a more perfect turd."

shaunathan, posting under the subject line "I wonder..."

How can Ann Coulter have an audience when most of the people who agree with her are too stupid to read?

First, from a locked post over at ___xtina___'s journal on the occasional (but becoming more frequent) evils of LJ...

Screw you Livejournal, and your "read-only" mode blasphemy!



And then, from this post made by tviokh insulting grammar of the stupid and ignorant...

To make things worse, Tim saw a shirt at Target in the "I Dress Like A Teenage Thai Whore" section (otherwise known as Juniors) that read "Whose Your Daddy?"
I...head...hurts...getting...dark...

From synthclarion's post on the bad_sex community...

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I'm spamming today, I know. But they're too good.

theladybailey on convincing her Harley-owning neighbor to sex her up:

"I mean, if I put enough candles in our basement, lock the door, and somehow find a pipe organ I think we'd be getting somewhere. Right? Right. Good. Basement has a tendancy to flood in the back, that can be my lake and I can get a mini-boat or something. Phantom of the Basement, here I come! BWHA."

From force_of_will, in a discussion about the nature of friendship:

Normally you got your friends back when the world is unfairly against them and you go tough love when they are being unfair to you or have unfair or unreasonable expectations of the world.

I know this is pretty much metaquotes-unrelated (forgive meeeee), but I'm too lazy to reply to ALL the different people who posted here.

Yes, I DID make the community. Yes, I AM a loser. No, I HAVEN'T got the page laid out nicely yet- feel like doing it for me? =D

Joinnnnn now.

dancing_icons. That's right.

Just so it's got SOME quote in here... "Dancing Banana! OMG it's an LJ Icon Rave!" -anubisismydad

In which debchan is philosophical:

Yesterday I actually opened Semagic and composed a long entry, but didn't post because it was boring. Here's a brief recap:

Work, blah blah blah.

Japanese, blah blah blah.

Fannish ennui, blah blah blah.

Birthday, blah blah... wait. CAKE!

My life is one long series of blah with brief intervals of cake.

In which debchan is disturbing:

Today, a guy with a strong Kentucky accent came in. He sounded a lot like Gomer Pyle. I started thinking about Gomer Pyle (the show) and found myself wondering if there was Gomer Pyle slash. Because, all the standard slash ingredients are there. Gomer's sweet devotion to his Sarge, despite the way Sarge always yelled at him, Sarge's obsession with where Gomer was and what he was doing. It could happen. One day Gomer might notice something different in the way Sarge shouted, "Pyle!" And he'd follow Sarge back to a quiet corner of the motor pool and Sarge would say that every time he yelled at Gomer it was only because he didn't know how to express his secret and forbidden love, and Gomer would say, "Shazam!" or possibly, "I know." And they'd kiss and have sex, and Gomer for sure would say, "Shazam!" but Sarge would find it strangely endearing.

And then I realized that I was kind of creepy. Yet I post anyway.

An excerpt from the wonderfully acerbic laguera25's post-Oscar-watching journal entry, re: Sean Penn:

Sean Penn, you are a wonderful actor, and I have enjoyed the bulk of your recent work. However, I must respectfully request that you remove the stick from betwixt your butt cheeks and loosen your underwear. Winning an Oscar does not mean you must morph into a self-important, anal-retentive blowhard or Susan Sarandon. You can laugh; it's permissible under the Geneva Convention, I swear. Chris Rock was joking, and Jude Law, while a mediocre talent, is a big boy. The constant hypertension is going to kill you.

You should read the rest of it, too.

From 'The Secret Diary of the Phantom of the Opera' by qween_tartii:

Show was a rather marvellous success, except that stupid drip Raoul (Raoul! What kind of a bloody name is that, it sounds like a noise you make when you’re throwing up for crying out loud) was not only sitting in my box but kept making gooey eyes at Christine all the way through. It nearly made me sick! Yep, am definitely gonna have to off him. It’s not that I enjoy killing people, really it isn’t – people just keep popping up who need to be killed! I find it quite traumatising, to be really honest.

...

Off to check mail now.

GAHHH! No Ikea catalogue, just another bloody letter from the Extreme Makeover people. When are they going to get it through their heads that I don’t want to be on their stupid show??!!!

Here's the rest. It's rather long, but quite hilarious.

rikoshi, in response to this post in fanficrants:

Well, there's the Quantum Fanfic Rule, which states that anytime a person thinks, "I wonder if anyone's ever written a fic about _____?", the universe restructures itself to ensure that, yes, such has been written. ^_^

A George Rogers Clark High School junior arrested Tuesday for making terrorist threats told LEX 18 News Thursday that the "writings" that got him arrested are being taken out of context.

Winchester police say William Poole, 18, was taken into custody Tuesday morning. Investigators say they discovered materials at Poole's home that outline possible acts of violence aimed at students, teachers, and police.

Poole told LEX 18 that the whole incident is a big misunderstanding. He claims that what his grandparents found in his journal and turned into police was a short story he wrote for English class.

"My story is based on fiction," said Poole, who faces a second-degree felony terrorist threatening charge. "It's a fake story. I made it up. I've been working on one of my short stories, (and) the short story they found was about zombies. Yes, it did say a high school. It was about a high school over ran by zombies."

-a news story from http://www.lex18.com/global/story.asp?s=2989614.

In response to this post on metaquotes, we have this thread, wherein the following discourse takes place.

The background being that the post is the one about astrologic dating types, and the line was Gemini. You will never get a word in edgewise again.

To which yours truly replied, As a Gemini myself, I have to say,--

"WORD."

And the deeply amusing cosmorific answered: As a fellow Gemini, I have to ask: shouldn't there be about 10,000 more words in that statement?

ceruleanst had this to say in response to this thread in mock_the_stupid:

Okay, so far that's "just cheer up" for the clinically depressed, "just try it" for food allergies, "hey, wake up" for chronic fatigue, "why don't you just quit" for addictions, and "you really should calm down" for a panic attack. We could stock a whole pharmacy with platitudes instead of all those expensive drugs. All-purpose "snap out of it" could be sold over the counter.

Because we ran the race Sunday morning, Anne and I dedided not to go to any parties we weren't invited to, and just watch at home in HD. (Here's a fun fact about me: I am a complete sucker for HD. I have found myself watching the most dreadful tripe just because it's in HD. But when something I actuallyenjoy is in HD, I'm in Heaven. [And let me add that I hope the real Heaven, if it exists, is nicer than my living room with a more comfortable couch and 100% fewer cat pee stains in the corner. Thank you.])

-wilwheaton

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lorriejharris from a post here about Customers.. some things never change



Most of you know I work in a Customer Service Call Center. Customer Service Call Centers aren’t new but have, in fact, been around for millions of years. Recently, archeologists made a find in a cave in western Illinois that they believe to have been a prehistoric Customer Service/Tech Support Center. After translating the cave drawings, the archeologists discovered what a typical call was like for the Prehistoric Customer Service Rep…

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