Metaquotes

I've been dying my hair for nearly 10 years; you'ld think I'd have it down by now.

But no, it looks like a squid walked in and jacked off in my bathroom.

quoted from 01flux with permission.

mistersleepless seeks to make Batman's job a little easier:

"I'm Batman" isn't cutting it in the striking-fear-into-their-hearts stakes. But "I'm Batman -- and I'm here for your nipples" is an entirely different
proposition.


Some language. Dated early 2004; sorry in advance for possibly redundant post.

In ahayweh's high school, there is a girl whom she refers to as the Token Lesbian. After evidently having spent some time with the TL, she writes, simply:

"That was not the most heterosexual evening I've ever had."

or, the logical conclusion to a theory of Intelligent Design.

eshva reports, "I spent this weekend cleaning my flat - moving all my furniture and possessions, vacuuming, then moving them all back. The main purpose of this activity was to try and stem the invasion of cockroaches that seem to be taking over. And it occurred to me, while moving a box full of old zines and cockroach droppings, that it's far more likely that the cockroaches are god's chosen species.

( Collapse )

And duh, some might say there's blasphemy behind that cut. Others, just a straightforward deduction about the nature of the Creator.

In customers_suck, hermionegsnape has a novel retort (format edited to relieve the need for context) to a common complaint:

hermionegsnape- I'm sorry, we discontinued the sub stamps in this area. *does shpeal*
Rude customer- That is so totally gay!
hermionegsnape- Well I'm glad you're happy about it.

In which signifiers voices my own thoughts about the "list five fictional people that you had a crush on as a child" meme:

1. Ponyboy Curtis (The Outsiders)
2. Rob Fleming (High Fidelity)
3. Dorian Gray (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

...I dunno, I think I've always been better at having crushes on real people.

"Dear CompUSA,
Thank you for having a lovely sale today, that was a nice suprise. However, your battery selection is a bit...off, if I do say so myself. I wanted 3 AAA batteries, but was expecting to buy four since that's how battery companies do things. However, I could only purchase packages with EIGHTY HILLION-JILLION batteries in them. Nobody needs eighty hillion-jillion AAA batteries. Nobody needs eighty hillion-jillion AA batteries. So now I have one hundred and sixty hillion-jillion batteries, when I only needed FOUR. That is forty hillion-jillion times too many batteries. That is WAAAAY too many batteries."

Taken with permission from the glorious i_am_that_is, here

From the LJ of vermilionskies, who I discovered on a random search....

( Collapse )

I watched a televangelist this morning on TV talking about a woman's place in the home. My opinion is implied. ~ purplesocks

Link

From the Journal of camm_shenylle, a new reason to worry:

Last thing I wanted to update about is a deep concern to me. I noticed today while in church that our children, the future of our nation, are grossly uneducated. Can you imagine my disappoint when I looked over the shoulder of a six-year-old girl, who had written down the following on her bulletin:

"I luv u."

Hope clearly cannot lie with the next generation, if even at that tender age, they are already frequently using Netspeak. Please, for the sake of our children, bring back grammar to the classrooms.

From chem_nerd's recollection of a stupid teachere here: http://www.livejournal.com/community/dot_gimp_snark/53980.html?thread=435164#t435164

You burned a scented candle-in blatant violation of school regulations-and told me I was just smelling the carbon monoxide. You CAN'T smell carbon monoxide, that's why it kills people!

the_oc is usually a pretty amusing place in general, with a dangerous combination of kids as OC obsessive as I am. This post is just silly with all the extra reading into about "foreshadowing," but:

craigage: ding-dongs is a euthamism-sp?- for willys. I hope americans have willys too...
slayertv: nope, we're aliens and mate differently

Can't believe I'm adding this, but don't click the post if you aren't caught up on Season 2. XD

tinywarrior, now the coolest mum on LiveJournal, talks about dealing with her son being called a "fag".

It's absolutely beautiful reading...go check it out.

Instead of watching the SuperBowl...

( Collapse )

nowgoesquickly has an exciting day. From a locked post, with permission, and cut for convenience (and gross lime jello *g*).

( Collapse )

In a discussion about the pressence of computers in cars:

"...roughly 30% of all warranty issues with new cars were microprocessor- and software-related."
"Uh oh. Here come the Windows-must-be-the-OS-for-30%-of-the-cars-out-there posts."
"I've found that most cars come with windows already. Sometimes you have to reinstall them after the car crashes, though."

Nyuck nyuck.

itburnsitburns and his delicate wording makes a simple trip to the bathroom seem like a fantastic adventure:

Urinals Away

Little challenges or bouts of curiosity make every mundane act a bit more interesting. I was invading the Marriot bathroom the other week and as I was about to enthusiastically engage the porcelain effigy with some ureal erosion, I thought to myself, "Can I make this automatic-flush urinal flush while still pissing into it?"

Mind you, without making a mess. I hate when people make messes. My aim is superior. So I began my thing, and I started moving further and further away from my white friend until I was maybe 5 feet away, piss flowing in a beautiful arc like a golden rainbow of sterile kidney-rejected joy. And then it happened.

FWOOOOSHHHHHHHHH. And I was still going. The pressure began to lessen, like that of Bush on progressing stem-cell research after his defeat of Kerry, and I began to approach the confused appliance. I was done. I walked away from that urinal with a distinct satisfaction that I gave it multiple flushgasms in one session. This is why I'm a real man.

*still in fits of giggles*

[Reguarding Inu-Yasha Mary Sues]

Mystical Kagome, while admittedly closer to the real Kagome than other variations, is still really freaking boring. Readers quickly tire of her urple perfection and click the back button to go look for Naraku tentacle porn instead.

By reikaisues here

The whole thing is pure gold

zaklog, here:

I once saw a billboard beside a highway that read "One God." I drove by this billboard frequently and eventually got totally pissed off with it's utter meaninglessness. I'm a monotheist (a Christian to be more specific) but this annoyed the English major and the logician inside of me.

If I had the money, this would have been my response: I really wanted to buy the next three billboards and have, sequentially, "One God, Two gods, Red gods, Blue gods."

Yes, I have a warped sense of humor.

ravenblack: "Time for hypothetical questions. Imagine you are famous and popular, and also single. Lots of people fancy you, and you often get declarations of intense emotions that you can't tell how seriously to take them, eg. "I'm your biggest fan", "I love you". You have taken to pretty much brushing people off (politely), as the only way to still have any time to yourself. If someone fancies you, and they're actually a good person for you, you wouldn't have any way of knowing this. What would be the best one-line thing for them to say to get you to give them a chance?" ddragon: "Your eyes... they're like piss-holes in the snow." -- [source]

Amidst a discussion about various plotty and charactery bits from the Lord of the Rings, in camwyn's journal, teluekh wrote:

I happen to think watery elf he-tarts forging swords at you isn't all -that- as a qualification for kingship goes.

phoeniks has his priorities:

( Collapse )

The always-quoteable springheel_jack's take on why we should oppose gay marriage:

( Collapse )

Then I went to the invertebrate house. (Invertebrates are animals without spines. Examples of invertebrates include the octupus, the squid, and Donald Rumsfeld.)

--apocalypsos took pictures at the zoo.