Metaquotes

You know, before South Park, we just used to call them gnomes or elves who stole things.  Isn't it so much more fun to say they are underpants gnomes?  It also probably comes in handy when your boyfriend finds your panties in his roommate's bedroom.  "It was the underpants gnomes, i swear!"

--alainapi, from a locked post with permission (although she may have unlocked it since I asked about it)

"...I'm really kind of scared of squishing your flabby masses into too tight an enclosure and accidentally discovering the critical mass of stupid." -- the_paco, describing computer tech support as done by GSgt. R. Lee Ermey in techsupport, here. The whole post is spot-on.

Stolen from this post in idyll's journal.

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From a post by karenhealey here:

mattmatt: "Are you licking your arse at me, cat?"

karenhealey: "She does not lick her arse at you, sir. But she does lick her arse, sir."

Shakespeare has added so much to our cultural capital.

From ishyface's entry about "The Mommy Myth":

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From this post by cleolinda, where SOMETHING REALLY COOL (read it to know it) happens...

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and later...

girlfrom10thave: I'm so happy for you!
*throws the confetti of joy*
Which is different from the confetti of sorrow.

cleolinda : Well, yes. The confetti of sorrow tends to come only in blue.

wal_lace on the X-Men's Psylocke (just in case there is another Psylocke out there that I am not acquainted with):

Despite his crimes, Claremont was responsible for the Golden Age of Betsy - home to such events as her reaction to Havok finding out the X-Men were alive (she was all like, let's kill him! Can we kill him? Come on, you guys, let's kill him! We can kill him together! It'll be fun! And Storm was all, no, Psylocke, we don't do that sort of thing (except to Morlocks, but when was I not a hypocrite?). And then Betsy was all, okay, I'll mind-wipe him. I love mind-wiping people. You guys hold his arms! And Storm was all, no... I love classic Betsy).

"...then there were extra, last-minute obits to crunch (I wish people wouldn't die when I'm on deadline ...) "

--dtaylor

dougs in comments to this discussion of "irritating grammar mistakes" in mhw's journal.

Certain readers, researchers, absorbers of the text, consumers, if you will, of the written word, may experience some minor discomfiture if the mode of discourse tends towards the loquacious -- particularly when the point is needlessly, redundantly or pointlessly repeated or recapitulated for no discernable reason, or indeed if the writer endeavours to utilise polysylabic constructions, replete with subordinate clauses, redolent of the worse parodies of the more verbose styles, in the belief that this somehow lends extra weight or credence to the thesis being promulgated in the work being constructed.

Terse is better.

Lifted from cleolinda  and her horoscope: 

Overview: You're about to amaze even yourself at what tumbles out of your mouth. Just try to go easy on anyone who's less equipped in the verbal department -- which today is just about everyone. [Oh, WHATEVER. Way to get me beaten up and my lunch money stolen, horoscope.]

 

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tealeaves_atom has a few suggestions to people who make consuming suck:

"I would like to officially go on record as recommending that the person who invented Blister Pack be retroactively killed by time traveling cyborgs."

and later...

"I think the guy who invented [CD and DVD barcode stickers] should be forced to challenge the blister pack guy to a two-up knife fight in a gas chamber."

"...my desk looked really creepy with 25 bloody uteruses all over it right before I packaged them in their zip bags."

I <3 sunnycrittenden! sNoRt! :oD

My LJ!girlfriend torificus, here.

From now on, I need to carry post-its around in my purse, and a little pen. That way, when I see a trampy little pre-teen, dressed like Hooker!Barbie's Little Sister Who Barbie Is Whoring Out For Crack Skipper, I can jot down a little note. "Note to self: Invest in mirror before I dress myself ever again" Then, I go and stick it to the offending whore's forehead, and all is well. Ok, so I make myself hated, but really it's by people who I don't even want to LOOK at me, for fear that I'll catch SKANKITIS. Really, not much loss in personal relationship potential there.

Ugh, and my LEAST favourite one? The denim miniminimini indistinguishible from a belt, paired with shoes that not even CrackWhoreHooker!Barbie would touch with a fifty-foot pole. We're talking stilleto WAY too high for anyone who hasn't yet outgrown a training bra. Pink. Patent leather. With a point on the toe that you could get stopped for at an airport. Liek whoa, I tell you.

From the always insane brightseraphiel :

"Someone, and I'm not naming names, but someone who (hopefully) will read this owes me a letter. This letter is long overdue. Very long. And I do think it's about time. This is the only warning you are going to get. If you do not write and send this letter (and tell Dawnsy you've sent it) before the 17th (that gives you a week), Dawnsy will send you a letter, written in the blood of the innocent. And this horrible, cursed letter will say "You owe me a letter, bitch.". And if this does not work and you have not sent the letter by the time Dawnsy is in Florida, Dawnsy will pull a knife on you and sit you down and make you write her a letter, then watch as you send it.

That is all for today, thank you very much for your time and consideration."

There are few things more painful to watch than a kitten who gets in the way and keeps either getting stepped on or bangs his own head on things 'cause he's just moving too fast. I whacked Lucky in the head with the bedroom door the other night in the dark 'cause I didn't see him as he scooted his way into the room. *bonk!* Poor kitty. He looks at you with those injured eyes, those Puss-In-Boots eyes that say, "WTF? Are you trying to kill me?" And you feel like a complete idiot for not even thinking that a kitten would be there. Of course he's there. That's his job. *sigh*

-- deckards_sixth

---

I am using foreverdirt's computer. (Because I'm sitting at her desk, in her room. And all my computers are a long way away.)

She's just announced that she wants to piss on it to mark her territory.

Thought you might like to know what a charming, civilised girl she is.

ETA: She has complained that she didn't say that. She said that she was getting closer and closer to wanting to piss on her computer to mark her territory. This makes it all better.

-- derryderrydown

Besides, aren't there enough fockers in the real world? Why would anyone want to spend two hours watching the antics of a bunch of fockers (or, more appropriately, focktards) on the big screen? Fock that. It sounds like a bunch of focking bullshit to me, and all those Fockers can fock off somewhere far away.

--dances_withcats on not much caring for Meet the Fockers because of its type of "humor." 

diegoinspace comments on a Dr Phil forward("the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started and never finished."):

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Bristol Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines
and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

tom_kiper comments on Marvel's treatment of her favourite characters.

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beizy's mother has been flipping out about her little girl flying all the way to ORC (in sunny CA).

Mom: "*watching news for signs of impending doom circa west coast* OMG FOG!!"
Me: "What?"
Mom: "FOG! DELAYS AT NEWARK AIRPORT!"
Me: "Yeah, it's a bit foggy. I just drove through it."
Mom: "OMG!!"
Me: "Uh. It's fog."
Mom: "DELAYS!!!"
Me: "Well, okay. *logs onto airport website* Oh, only arriving flights are delayed."
Mom: "DELAYS OF DEATH!!"
Me: "..."

check her journal for more - it makes it all more amusing when you see the other things she's come up with.

from blondebeaker

Why are my father's ex-girlfriends telling me about what they did in the bedroom with my father?  ( Collapse )

The ipod Shuffle looks like a pregnancy test.

--from a locked post, with permission.

asimaiyat, having a conversation with her brother:


Me: I probably just have PMS... aw shoot, I'm early.
Henry: *gasp* You're early! That must mean you're... oh wait... got that in reverse.
Me: Yes, I am anti-pregnant!
Henry: Sarah, have you been eating babies?

- So, I'm teaching Introduction to Theatre around noon, and my cell phone rings. Normally, I'd never have my cell phone on me, but for some reason I stuck it in my pocket this morning before I headed to class. Well, it was Jennifer calling. Why is this significant? Jennifer's ringtone is SEXUAL HEALING, by Marvin Gaye. So, yeah. While I'm sitting there

TEACHING A CLASS.....MY PANTS START PLAYING SEXUAL HEALING.

Let that one sink in for a minute.

~Taken from dltactor130

From rpeate:

"this place sucks."

--wolfmoon98, 1980-2005

wolfmoon98 (Mike Smith)was killed in Iraq yesterday when his hummer was hit by mortars.

This amused the crap outta me last night. With permission, from a locked post in smallvillepunk's Journal:

Random: Sima informed me that Jim Caviezel lives in the area, since he goes to 24 hour fitness a lot....OMG WE LIVE NEAR JESUS.

"I like to pretend that all the evil, heartless, sick and utterly, demonically twisted things that people do are done by the same people, just so that all that evil is consolidated into one gigantic dickhead." -brieboo, here, in childfree

I thought this was too funny to pass up.

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clairebear02 here: regarding a 8-9 hr drive from NY to Ohio

"Yesterday I thought about the colors an artist would use to paint the scenery I was viewing outside the windshield. He'd go through tubes and tubes of black and white, just blending different shades of gray. It's all gray, everywhere. Everything from central PA until Ohio is cast in grayness this time of year. Occasionally he'd have to bring out the red, dotting tail lights and brake lights here and there. A springy green for the highway signs - a green normally used for things living and flourishing but in a painting like this the color is rendered fake and out of place. He might get creative and splash some bright sunny yellow on a boxy SUV, but still, creative and talented as he may be, he's left with nothing more than a canvas fulll of blurry, dull, uninteresting objects. The poor fellow. He's out of black and white and even so, no one will ever buy his ugly painting."

charliesmum, on the blogger who lost his job, here.

I find the story interesting because, as a 'blogger' of sorts, I feel like I'm a part of something really new that is rapidly becoming a part of the fabric of our culture, and it is neat to be at the beginning of it.

It's a good thing I like my job.

everlastingnow on LiveStrong bracelet's being banned in hospitals. From a locked post.


The Nat'l Enq. says that hospitals don't allow LiveStrong bracelets on their patients because - wait for it! - they look too much like Do Not Resusitate (DNR) bracelets. My goodness. Let's spank irony on the ass, for it has been reborn.

salpal describes her birthday:

A dramatization of the last 20 hours:


Me: Gee, I'm okay with my birthday. And I'm oddly happy.

Body: Wee! Let's go to bed, and you'll have hot, intense sex dreams!

Me: Okay! (goes to sleep, has lovely dreams, wakes up)

Body: You can't write a decent sentence, even if it's just to communicate with someone.

Me: Huh.

Body: So happy birthday! Now here's your period!

Me: GAH! (dies)