Metaquotes

jkmoreno contemplates grading in the HP universe

Me: Kinda like how Dolores Umbridge would grade her students if she were cooler.
Me: Get out the magic dartboard. "Let's see ... Hermione Granger." *throws dart, hits a 3. "Well, that's a D. Now, Neville Longbottom." *hits a bullseye* "Full marks for Toadboy."

As seen here.

And also from jkmoreno, in the chat that the above came from: At least Lockheart was good comic relief cause you could laugh about how much he sucked and how all the other teachers probably wanted to beat him down. I'm sure Flitwick could charm a boot to repeatedly kick Lockheart in the ass for the rest of his days.

Found on snacky's famous anon hate meme:

Anonymous #1: Insane Clown Posse is retarded. And so are most of their fans.

Anonymous #2: ...And you actually believe this opinion to be controversial enough that you can only say it in an anon hate meme?

sclerotic_rings on call center suckiness: Who knew that stupidity, arrogance, and laziness qualified as disabilities, instead of "reasons to put a shotgun in your mouth like a big blue cock of death and remove you from the gene pool"?

ambobuddha: [About a roomie who was being a bad customer on the phone] So for whoever got J, I sincerely apologize for his behavior. I will fart shit on his pillow when I get home tonight.

***

littlewings04: Bathe, for the love of Pete! And Pete's got a lot of love!

From a flocked entry by shirou (with permission, of course) on the pronounciation of foreign cities:

international disaster, and i make jokes
Mr. Powell toured the resort island of Phuket, Thailand's worst hit area.

I have no idea how "Phucket" is supposed to be pronounced (anybody speak Thai?), but as I was reading the article in English, I anglicized it in my head.

Mr. Powell toured the resort island of Fuck it, Thailand's worst hit area.

How apropos.


. . . I'm going to hell, aren't I?

This is from childfree (with permission), so parents, pro-lifers, and others who are sensitive over the subject of miscarriage may want to skip it.

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blondebeaker in response to a question about her newly-discovered paganism here:

"So how come you didn't bust up into flame in the church when the Pastor reading the bible?"

Flame retardant pantyhose. Works like a dream! Now if I can find them with Idiot repellent included I will be very happy girl!

Author Poppy Z. Brite (docbrite), who is beginning a new novel, admits in this entry that the stress of creativity and the demands of a few snippy fans have started to take its toll:

I don't even know what's going on in my brain any more, if anything. Chris tells me that early this morning, as he was coming back to bed after getting up to pee, I said in a sepulchral voice, "NAGIN." (Ray Nagin is the mayor of New Orleans. He is a black man, at least nominally.) When he asked me if I was OK, I said in the same voice, "Shooting black people."

"Sometimes I love morons but sometimes, like now, their sheer stupidity makes me tired. I wish tsunamis had some kind of aiming function."

cimness comments on a metaquotes post.

penelope_z's parents dragged her to Harrod's on the first official day of sales:

After queuing for over an hour to get into the damn shop, as if it's an exclusive nightclub, I face a vision of hell that brings Hieronymous Bosch to mind, albeit with more "50% OFF" price tags, and less decapitated corpses.

Read the whole thing, you don't want to miss Penelope getting her inner Conan on. Or the Gucci mosh pit. Or the carpets of territoriality . . .

From cleverusername2:

"No, Santa is real, but his ruby-powered laser projector/death ray is a flight of fancy."

Longtime lurker, first time poster. Hi all! ~waves~ :^D

In bad_sex, mc_dork regales us with tales of (mis)adventures in masturbation, here:

The whole thing is hilarious, I'm not quite sure WHAT to quote, so I'll give you a few delicacies to sample before you dive right in:

I'm 11, I have no clue that the thingie between my legs is for anything other than seeing how far you can pee.

All the men reading this know that point, the damn thing won't stop standing up and looking around everytime the wind changes, and you have no idea what to do about it.

on this chick tract:

thebratqueen: I want to see the missing passage, where the booming voice of God then goes on to tell her to kill her friends and neighbors.

sewingmyfish: Or how to program her VCR
PRESS THE DOWN BUTTON, THE DOWN-NO, THAT'S PLAY
"i'm pressing down God.
NO YOU NEED TO-GREAT, NOW IT'S SET FOR 2AM, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO START ALL OVER, NICE ONE, SINNER.
"Well, maybe if you'd shut up"
*lightening strike*

From the fabulous caroline31, here.

(This one's for all you closet Corrieoggy ((crap, how do you SPELL that?)) fans- I know what you do at night!)
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM WATCHING BRITISH SOAPS:
1) There is no birth control in England.
2) Abortions, on the other hand, are a dime a dozen.
3) The only employment opportunities in England are for underwear manufacturers, mechanics, barmaids, convenience store clerks, short-order cooks and taxi drivers.
4) Conveniently, everyone who resides on the street possesses at least one of these skills.
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"  Maybe because Tony was big enough to eat anyone who tried to steal
  'flakes from him. The message being, no-one steals from mofos that eat
  children for breakfast? Or something.

  I dunno.

  I have fruit for breakfast. Maybe rice bubbles"

--techno4tomcats on why the Trix Rabbit and the new Cookie Crisp mascot and the Lucky Charms steal but nobody tries to steal Frosted Flakes.

From a long rant in fanficrants about muses:

Me: Did anyone actually worship them? Or were they just invoked?
sarahtheboring: Splitting hairs. Same difference.
Me: Not necessarily. When you say "By gum" are you worshipping gum?
ladyiapetus: *wonders if that would make Wrigley Field holy ground*

Found here and made by slayer877.

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Someday when I am living in a box, I will fight for modal equality! No more discrimination!

...except for Locrian. Locrian can fuck off, for the most part. In the GLBTQOMGWTF world of modes, Locrian is furries.

--erinpuff, on music theory.

eatmypatriot has just discovered which Golden Girl he is most like, thanks to an online quiz...

I *knew* I'd be Blanche. While I was taking the quiz, I thought to myself, "Self, you're going to be Blanche. I bet you ten bucks you are." So woot! I won ten bucks from myself!!

In other news, I lost 10 dollars in a bet with myself. Sad face.

Taken from auronsgirl

</span>"Today was a Monday. Yea, verily a primordial Monday, dredged up from Cthulhu's watery crypt and sent to Earth to fuck up the lives of all who encountered it. A gibbous, squamous, squalid Monday where your heroine could've cheefully brained half her office with the coveted red Swingline stapler."

This is from celli's journal, from a fic she wrote:

"When *you* buy a new cape, or wreck the Fortress and have
to repair it - again - you deduct it in the year it
happens, not the year you pay for it. Because your first
accountant was obviously on crack."

"My first accountant was Batman."

"Well, that's your problem. Never let a paranoid insomniac
vigilante do your taxes."


Link to full fic (rated NC-17, sorry, chryx!): http://www.livejournal.com/users/celli/144079.html#cutid1

I saw a genuine human brain today! It was squishy and wrinkly like my grandmother.


-daintyduck

You know in Raiders of the Lost Ark when all those Nazis' faces melt off because of whatever's in the ark...well, I have a feeling it was this fic.

-time_ambassador in pottersues, here.