Metaquotes

From soladolly, in one of her rare non-friends-locked posts:

The hats are pornographic.
It's why my pants are always happy.

"As long as a priest hands out wine and says the Communion prayer over it, it's all right. People can eat the chocolate baby Jesus, after that."

Link here for the whole exchange, posted with permission: Can you eat Baby Jesus?

--Kris

In misia, the topic of fierce doggies came up.

lalouve: "I have a kilo-and-a-half Yorkshire terrier, and everyone wants to pet her. She's quite a stand-offish dog and doesn't appreciate it at all.... Yorkshire terriers are sort of the hamsters of death."

ataralas, in a comments thread:

Actors do love Shiny Things. And so do techies. The difference? Techies like Shiny Things that make light and noise and the possibility to kill you.

tviokh: When I die, I want my tombstone to read, "I'm so goth I'm dead."

waysmeanstonola: i'm so goth, i've got flying buttresses.

tviokh: No no, that's gothIC. I'm so goth, I sacked Rome.

waysmeanstonola: i'm so goth, i drink beer rather than wine! 'cause that's what barbarians do.

See the wild goth craziness here.

Nativity scene featuring celebrity wax figures. Which is, of course, too funny.

In the tableau, Australian pop star Kylie Minogue hovers above the crib as an angel while "Posh Spice" Victoria lays her shawled head tenderly on Beckham's shoulder.

Tony Blair, George W. Bush and the Duke of Edinburgh star as The Three Wise Men. The shepherds are played by Hollywood star Samuel L. Jackson, British actor Hugh Grant and camp Irish comedian Graham Norton.

Shepherd Sam: Yo! Muthafuckas, look! What the fuck is that?
Shepherd Hugh: Why, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I do believe it's an angel.
Angel Kylie: [singing] I just can't get you out of my head
Lord, your lovin' is all I think about
I just can't get you out of my head
Lord, it's more than I dare to think about...
Shepherd Graham: Well, she's got a beat you can dance to, that sparkly outfit is fabulous, and I would absolutely kill for a bum like that!
Shepherd Sam: Dude, she hot.
Angel Kylie: A baby is born! He is the Son of God! Thou shalt find him in a manger, dressed in swaddling clothes.
Shepherd Graham: Swaddling clothes? I'm sorry, is Swaddling a designer? Haven't heard of him, dearie, is he any good?
Shepherd Hugh: But-but-but-but-but-but-but-but I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-
Shepherd Sam: Shuttup, muthafucka! Let's go find this muthafuckin' baby. Son of God? Yo, I gotta see this.

(To all of which grrgoyl replies: you KNOW they're smokin' something when they depict Georgie as a Wise Man.)

12:38 REJOICE! There's more where that came from!

Lookit the teeniboppers go.

I NEED A FUCKING NEW LOOK. >_> Yes you heard me correct. I have this punk look going on, but I want it to be more goth and darker. I seriously need a change. Oh well, hopefully I can get some new stuff from Hot topic or something....

I think it's better if I don't say who this came from.
Oh, t3h ANGST1!

Spied whilst discussing the Magic Bullet infomercial in cooking

I have the sneaking suspicion that my boyfriend is getting me a Magic Bullet since he knows how much I want one. He and I watch that infomercial religiously. For example, we know everyone's names, we have favorite moments in it that we know when to watch for, and we can pretty much talk along with it. Yes, we do have lives, despite what I've just told you.

*insert impertinent witticism here*

For the low, low price of $2.25 (gotta love event pricing), I got a bottle of water at the Dickens' Fair this weekend. I was momentarily confused when the man at the "Green Man Inn" asked if I wanted lemon or regular, but little did I know that I was not just getting water, but a life-changing product: AquaXtra, the healthy water alternative!

No calories! No carbohydrates! AquaXtra, water with vitamins and minerals! Not like that normal water that contains all those calories and carbohydrates, and now, as proclaimed by the seal on the back label, fully pasteurized, with sealed-in flavor! I hate it when my water comes unpasteurized, without that sealed-in flavor, don't you? And all those calories and carbohydrates in regular water, too, no wonder this is a nation of overweight people, just drinking that water like it's... water.

- shawk, in an entry you need to read completely

Posted to customers_suck by sclerotic_rings

From a phone center CSR...

Numero Five-o: this isn't limited to English, but for Elvis' sake, please follow some advice and learn how to speak your native language. The word "language" comes from the Greco-Latin root for "tongue", which means that you should use it for speaking instead of catching insects in mid-flight. The same goes for the upper portions of your GI tract: I understand that your ancestors made a comfortable living by straining plankton through their gills, but we don't want to see your grandfather's preferred feeding method. We also don't want to hear it: effective communication requires consonants, so learn how to use your jaws and stop making vowel movements with your open piehole.

full post can be found here.

There's no story behind this.

aradiablue:
Magna Cum Laude
Today I learned that while many women find back massage wands to be excellent vibrators, your vibrator does not make a good back massage wand.

isomeme is cleaning out his inbox:

I just received a spam titled "GOOD DAY", the entire contents of which were as follows:

DEAR FRIEND,

I HUMBLY CRAVE YOUR INDULGENCE IN SENDING YOU THIS LETTER ,IF THE
CONTENTS DOSE NOT MEET WITH YOUR PERSONAL AND BUSINESS ETHICS I

My hope is that the next words were to be "WILL KILL MYSELF", and that the author followed through on his pledge with admirable speed.

rosefox says, ...honestly, it's an electric menorah. It is not possible to be prescriptivist about it. The only thing that could be less orthodox would be lighting 8+1 candles with all due Chanukah ceremony and then singing "happy birthday baby Jesus!" and blowing them out.

From sclerotic_rings, a call center worker who was trying to politely convey to a mother in serious denial than her son and stolen her credit card information and ordered stuff without her knowing.

C: Is there any way that someone else could have called in with my card information to make this payment? I asked my son if this was his payment, and he said 'no', so I'm wondering if someone else did this to get him in trouble.

Me: (at this point, not only am I wielding Occam's Razor, but I'm slinging it over my head, screaming "Blood and souls for my lord Arioch!" at the top of my lungs) Well, if you'd like to have this payment reversed...

C: No, that's okay. I'm going to call a lawyer to find out what we can do about this person. Goodbye. *click*

I realize that no parent wants to think ill about his/her child, but come on. If Skippy's girlfriend turned up pregnant, would this woman throw a big party because obviously this is going to be a virgin birth and the baby is Jesus?

*snerks*

naamah_darling on Christmas Cheer:

I'm so full of good cheer I could probably piss eggnog if you waved some nutmeg under my nose.

"I lost my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that." - keelamonster

Yea, though I crawl from the valley of the shadow of upper respiratory infection, I will fear no phlegm, for the DayQuil is with me. Thy dextramethorphan and thy pseudoephedrine, they comfort me. Surely, non-drowsy stuffy-head sore-throat coughing aching fever relief shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of Vicks Mentholated Cough Drops forever. Amen.

From a feminist entry regarding "How does someone know if they are truly a feminist?"...

madamjolie
You go down to the drug store and buy a home feminist test. If you see two pink lines, you are a feminist.

leitch71
What if you see a pirate?

viperdude
Pirates are wild.

leitch71
Well played.

From a locked post, with sneezydove's funeral



"That Soup at Hand (or whatever it's called) commercial drives me nuts. It's the one with the girl sticking an iPod and cell phone into her pocket and it says something like "If the rest of your life is wireless, shouldn't your soup be too?"

Huh?

I don't know about you guys, but my old soup didn't come with wires. I didn't need to jack it into my USB port. It might make more sense if it said "If the rest of your life is portable, shouldn't your soup be too?" and the answer would be "No. My soup was fine the way it was. Thanks for asking, though.""

I don't know why, but this quote hit me as amusing and somewhat profound ...

I bought Green Day's American Idiot yesterday. It rocks. It's what would have happened if Pink Floyd was a punk rock band.

... from mencc1701.


~ Tanith

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Dear whoever makes dreams: I wish for something pretty. Not Billy Zane again. I could really do with some Alexander/Hephaistion dreamtime action. For example. Just throwing something out there, like. As you were. No offense to Billy Zane. -wax_jism

auronsgirl on explaining the term 'childfree' to people who've never heard the phrase before here:

Childfree (or CF) - Not going to have kids, EVER. You can underline it, put a circle around it and have a troupe of hippopotamus ballerinas doing the Macarena in orange tutus going by with a sign saying "No kids for me!" in ugly purple letters. The baby factory is closed permanently for business, and we LIKE it like that.

johntchoe, in response to photos of that nativity scene posted in randompics:

Why the fuck is Joseph wearing a cross? That's JUST SICK, like Joe Kennedy wearing a tiny rifle around his neck.

the holiday bitchery begins continues

[longtime lurker; first time poster; be gentle]

crinoline:

it begin as a rant to aduncous, with whom I agreed that ( Collapse )


somewhat vulgar/not necessarily worksafe/still funny.

camwyn is a sysadmin. They've just decided to name their two new main servers Spock (file server) and Kirk (Exchange server).

All of this means:

One of the servers will not be able to give us false information. Ever.
It will, however, be vulnerable to having its CPU stolen during a brief blackout induced by a weird-looking blonde.
For the most part it will be steady as a rock and often quite annoying, but wholly functional. In fact, it will behave very reasonably for just about seven years. Then all hell will break loose unless it gets networked to another system immediately.
It will deposit a significant chunk of its own code on another system sufficient to resurrect its main functions if it looks like it's going to crash and burn. (Actually, since we use a real-time data vaulting service…)

The other server will have a mysterious ability to attract semi-attractive to gorgeous female technicians.
It will periodically spit out email messages in weird fits and starts, but all of it will get through.
Unless there are space aliens involved, it will never get a virus, even when it really deserves one.
It will repeatedly do things that really ought to result in its total destruction, but which will only take out some random terminal that was unfortunate to be hooked up to it at the time.

The silly wonderfulness continues in the comments, but you'll have to click through and read it yer ownselves. :->