Metaquotes

Cut for language and, well, slight inappropriateness. And because it takes a certain sort of sense of humor to laugh like i did at this and i'm not sure most people's bosses have one like that during the workday :p
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I suppose that's the downside of posting snippets of one's life, real and imagined, for public consumption. Everyone thinks they know but nobody really does, not even about themselves. Why, for all you know, I'm actually holding a midwestern couple at gunpoint as I write this--one-handed, presumably--and plotting to turn their skin into lampshades. (I'd reassure you that I'm not and never will be, except that would violate my new nondisclosure policy, so I leave it to you to contemplate the possibly tragic fate of the Millers and their three lovely children, ages 5, 7, and 12.)

--tom_kiper, in this entirely funny post

Why give it my own intro when I can use the author's own words?

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This is easily the funniest thing I've ever written IN MY FUCKING LIFE. This had me in tears:


Politicians who worry about the homosexual agenda--and they make it sound like there's a whole lotta plottin' going on there; I always figured it was "fuck other men"--


http://www.livejournal.com/users/silent_r_infork/116892.html

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Seriously, go read the whole thing. One quote does not do it justice....

I ran across this comment at the bottom of a reply thread while going through the archived entries of Eudoxia Diastrophe, AKA thefourthvine:

I quit the X-Men cold turkey precisely because of the hideously addictive nature of it all. Not to mention all the damage trying to understand it does to your neurons. I prefer my bad habits in cheaper, less self-destructive forms - you know, like snorting powdered Waterford crystal.

hongyu: And the Lord is so good. What else can i say?

hectortroy: That his fanclub isn't.

(Found in this thread.)

javamental recounts a friend's "Restaurant Commandments" in a locked post at customers_suck:

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The ever-quotable pornography, in this entry:

"I've changed the date of Christmas. Didn't I tell you?"

This morning my mum informed me that we wouldnt be having Christmas on the 25th this year. Oh, no, we'll be getting our presents on the 5th of January. Why? Because of the January sales.
"I'll be able to spend less money on you all!" she exclaimed. "It's a dream come true! I can't believe I didnt think of it sooner!"

Yes, that's what everybody loves to hear at Christmas.

(Link is mine, in case the reference is too obscure...)

apocalypsos: I actually went and listened to Bill O'Reilly yesterday, and some guy called in to say that he'd gone to his daughter's school when they'd said they were going to start teaching the kids sex-ed classes and dragged her out of the class when he'd heard what they were teaching them. It was the same responsible safe-sex stuff you'd expect, but he didn't want his fifth-grader learning that and said he and his wife would teach her about sex in five years. Teach her about sex when she's fifteen? Yeah, that'll work. *eye roll*

mice: Come on, the girl will be fine! After all, Carrie White didn't learn about anything until her senior year and she was--oh yeah...

I once claimed to be in the middle of the French Revolution and everything I said for the rest of the night consisted of "Viva La Revelution!" (In a bad French accent.) But, in my defense, I was working as a line cook on a Friday night during supper rush (on the fryers, no less).

-- darbdash here

The utterly brilliant nympholepsy, from a locked post with permission, on the new Phantom of the Opera movie and Raoul hate and Why Philippe Rocks, which yours truly seconds.

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just_the_ash clarifies some notes on a film reccomendation in a Buddhist LJ community, that could have otherwise lead to accusations of false advertising. ;)

In a thread about Buddhist-related movies, a commenter enthusiastically recommended Martin Scorsese's movie Kundun, which she said concerned the boyhood and escape into India of the current "Dali Llama."

I have seen that movie. It is, I agree, quite good. There are no surrealist South American ungulates in it. There are, in fact, no surrealist South American ungulates in the entire hierarchy of the dGe lugs pa sect of Vajrayana Buddhism. If they were going to ordain any hoofed animal, they would ordain a yak.

Click here for the entire post.

So my new MP3 player has decided not to work. It won't even turn on. I changed the battery three times, all new batteries. No luck. I smacked it a few times and called out, "Who's your daddy?" Evidently it's not me. said, serista in her own Journal.

jean_prouvaire needs a babysitting job, but...

Thing is, the only little kids within a fifteen-mile radius that I actually know of are Professor Deadpan's, and while he's always talking about needing a babysitter, he never actually asks me about it, which leads me to believe one of two things:

A. He doesn't actually need a babysitter that badly, or
B. He doesn't trust me with his littluns.

I suspect the latter. Trusting Musey with small impressionable children is probably not a good idea. I can just picture it.

Professor Deadpan: So, kids, did you have a good time with the babysitter?
Kid #1: Yeah! Daddy, I wanna be GAY when I grow up!
Kid #2: And I wanna build a barricade and fight for the liberation of the oppressed French proletariat!
Musey's Chem Grade: *is dead*


Also, from the same post:

Joe and I saw the Messiah last night at Ursinus College. (The concert, I mean. Not Jesus.) Like "Alexander," it was three hours long, but unlike "Alexander," we were prepared for it to be three hours long, and it didn't involve Colin Farrell in an ugly blond wig.

Sister: I wish someone would publish my novel
Ant: Yeah, well if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
Sister: That is stupid. Why would a beggar ride a horse. If I was a beggar and I had a horse, I would eat the horse. What good would riding a fancy horse do you.
Ant: I suppose it would be kind of counter-productive to being a beggar. People would look at you on your fancy horse and think that you didn't need the money.
Sister: Exactly. The saying should be 'If wishes were horses, beggars would eat horse.'
Nephew: The beggar could start a horse riding business.
Sister: That wouldn't work. The saying isn't 'if wishes were horses, beggars would start a horse riding business'. And where would the beggar stable their horse and stuff. That's just stupid. They really didn't think that through.

from ant_power here.

rapunzel452 tells us about her plans to combat a common road hazard here:

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Beause she really, really wants to be Metaquoted and I love her and she's sick:

"My foot hurt. I came home, ate supper, and realized my medicine is making me sick...
My medicine is making me sick.
WAY TO BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE."
—brianne

These were the following comments in one of justinant's locked posts.


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