Metaquotes

mountain_hiker quotes morganastar in his own LJ.

either way i could say "nope my girlbits are pretty" and i could be lying and I could look like werevagina over there

sdemory posts on danger_army:
There are a fair number of dumb bastards out there who're tossing around half-truths as if they were facts. We're clever, well-spoken sexy bastards, one and all. We should take advantage of that and beat these idiots down in any way possible.

The entire post (mandatory reading for anyone and everyone who is left of center) found here. Because I'm a tease, I did not include the funniest paragraph. You'll just have to go read the whole thing.

Nostalgia on JounalFen in this thread, RE: slytherincesss's 'make friends with your vagina' line:

Me and my vagina go for coffee every week, yo! Bestest friends eva! And then we go to the mall and look at cute boys!

Smo, also in response to the 'friends' line:

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Ah, vagina!love. Thou art so heartwarming. (Possibly peniswarming, too, but I wouldn't know, not having one and all. Really. Promise.)

theferrett sez: For me, it's the Circle Jerks' "Beat Me Senseless." Yes, it's from one of their later (read: not-so-good) albums, and yes, the tune is more metal than punk. But you play "Beat Me Senseless" and I will begin to thrash while I am standing in line at Target, knocking over little old ladies and punching the air as I try to form a one-man mosh pit.

There's more, but the image of Ferrett doing this just about made me fall out of my chair.

From apocalypsos:

I just have to add that in the last week of an election this close, anybody who believes anything Bush or Kerry say to cajole more votes out of undecided voters is asking for it. I wish we could just muzzle the both of them for the next week and just debate meaningless crap about them, like how cheap it must be every year for Kerry to trick or treat for Halloween when all he has to do is slap on green face paint and moan, or how Bush couldn't come up with something he'd done wrong during his presidency when "Boy, I shouldn't have eaten that pretzel" would have been acceptable.

Edit: Almost forgot. . . Long-time lurker, first-time poster. Time to share the love and joy. ;)

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Edit: From this post.

fiere relays a conversation between her family while trying to find a parking spot (copied from a locked entry with permission):


Brother: Look, there's a spot!
Dad: No, it's a wheelchair thing.
Brother: I can pretend to be a homosexual!
Car: O.O
Brother: I mean handicapped!
Car: ::ded::


Then, in comments, she told me,

I mean really. He said it in Norwegian, but the words are still vastly different. "Homofil" is homosexual, and "funksjonshemmet" is handicapped.

from glittersavvy:

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naamah_darling laments various plot bunnies in her head.

I'd just dismiss it as random jitters, but in the past three days, a full-blown plot has emerged from the bushes, snuck in through a carelessly open window, and ambushed me in my sleep. Now I am tied to a chair while this hunky vampire guy tells me his un-life story. As hostage situations go, this one is pretty cool. He's not mounting to show dominance or peeing in the corners or anything. But it could escalate at any moment. In three more days, I could be lying on my back, writhing and leaking in submission like a badly-housebroken puppy while he rearranges my mental furniture to Feng Shui his inner itch and raids my fridge for lime Jell-o and instant pudding.

For example, say you're stuck in traffic on the Williamsburg bridge in your 2001 Chevy Subarban, and another guy, who is a breast cancer researcher, is stuck behind you talking to his wife on his cell phone. He tells her that he has just dropped the kids off at violin practice, remembered to take the garbage out before he left -- he even unplugged the coffee maker, but he just can't shake this strange nagging feeling that he has forgotten to do something. Just as those words come out of his mouth, he glances up and sees your pink magnetic breast cancer ribbon that has "Find a Cure" written across it, at which point he comically slaps his forehead and exclaims:

"Ohhhhhh YEAH! THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO DO!!! YOU KNOW, FUCKING CURE CANCER! HAHA, I TOTALLY FUCKING FORGOT THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. WTF! I TOTALLY SPACED! LOL! :P."

--shmivejournal

If any of you still thought I was sane, I hope you've changed your minds by now.

--kebzero

djrine talks about his childhood in this post.

My brother and I were happy enough with our lives. We would spent portions of each day putting underwear on our heads; running through the house we would yell: "Look at me, look at me! I'm Aunt Jemimah!" Oh, it was the 90's and we were Aunt Jemimah. We didn't care what our obviously Caucasian parents told us - we were portly black women who made pancakes.

speccygeekgrrl (who also happens to be my room-mate) just completely grossed out my other friend. And then put it in her livejournal.

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they lay eggs, produce milk, have a bird bill and a skeleton with reptilian features. Also, their sex-determining gene has evolved in a highly complex fashion. They are the master race.

-draegonhawke, commenting in a post by ursulav

ame_no_heisei, in the comments to t0mbst0ne's post here suggesting how to deal with fatheaded people asking where their academic counselors might be:

I'd recommend talking into your sleeve about how Subject R knows too much and needs to be annihilated with cat spiders.

Question...could I take a German chick? I mean, do I have the capabilities to kick her ass? I have an advantage -- she's pretty and the pretty don't like to bleed and bruise. Also, I'm white trash so I could do some Jerry Springer Free Style on her, but is there such thing as Deutsch-Fu I should know about before making her gravestone?

-- mice

3jane did speak thusly on the tribulations of novel-writing:

...if I let characters move at their own pace, they keep wanting to sit on the couch and play video games. It's fun for them but not conducive to plot. (Actually, I have the same problem. When I had The Sims, I didn't do anything. At all. I didn't have to -- the Sim people did shit and I lived through them. I thought about writing about how one can live through the Sims, but it wasn't interesting. It's really just sex and setting people on fire, and that's only fun for non-pixellated folk.)

slipstreamborne found this quote:

"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
-Dan Quayle

and responded, ending with the following:

...Oh, and just so you know, either way you'll end up having teh kinky gay sex with Batman/Bush at some point if you want to get reelected. It's got to be, it's canon, and the fanon gobbles it up. It's guaranteed to bring the 18-30 year old fangirls stampeding to the polls.

Full post here. Bat-geeking ahoy!

Recently I made a post on my LJ about a religious zealot who "speaks" at my university. And by "speaks," I mean that he stands up on a folding chair and condemns everyone and everything. He even has a problem with Lucky Charms! In the comments, irish_cocktail tells us why.

HEARTS = GAY LOVE. BURNING IN HELL!
STARS = PEOPLE PRETENDING TO BE GOD(S). BLASPHEMY. BURNING IN HELL!
HORSESHOES = OMEGA. AGAIN, CEREAL IS TRYING TO BE A FALSE GOD. BURNING IN HELL!
CLOVERS = IRISH. NEED I SAY MORE? BURNING IN HELL!
BLUE MOONS = DREAMWORKS. CORPORATIONS WITH NO SOULS. BURNING IN HELL!
POTS OF GOLD = GREED OF MONEY. BURNING IN HELL!
RAINBOWS = OMGMOREGAY! BURNING IN HELL!
RED BALLOONS = RED IS SIN. PROMUSCUITY. BURNING IN HELL!

Breast implants may have to be removed later in life, but at least they don't run dangerously amok in restaurants two years down the road. (Except Hooters).

just_the_ash in childfree in this entry.

layered strikes again!

Open Letter to the Internet:

Please work better. By please, I mean DO IT NOW OR I'LL KILL YOUR FATHER; by work, I mean FUNCTION AT AN ACCEPTABLE RATE and by better, I mean AT ALL.

Thank you.

- Kristin

anniesj bought John Kerry today.

CARDBOARD!KERRY: Is Wolf Blitzer real?
ME: No. He's made out of tinfoil and dead puppies.
CARDBOARD!KERRY: HA! I knew it! Edwards owes me ten bucks now.

maryling wrote in this comment thread (actually also on Metaquotes, hah):

Just think -- if only Osama and Saddam had some lesbian porn to watch, the world might be more peaceful!

kimera's not so good at her syntax homework:

'Somehow I don't think "Because German is a crazy moon language" would be an acceptable answer, do you?'

Works for me, really.

A wise man will tell you that no one can every truly tell the future. A truly wide man will tell you that trying to foretell the future automatically alters it for you. But neither of them is as good as the guy sitting in the back of the pub, two pints over the limit, who not only knows the future, but will tell everyone about it. At length. And volume. For forty-five minutes.

Well, I don't know how wise I am, but I do have enough for a couple of pints in my wallet.

--dexfarkin opens up a post about his predictions about the U.S. elections (warning: he's one of them Canadian people)

Not-so-long-time-lurker, first time poster

Courtesy of monnielicious

When schizophrenics masturbate do they think they're getting laid?

I'm watching Episode III for the same reason that German soldiers were still fighting in the ruins of Berlin back in 1945. The war is lost, the curtain has been torn aside proving the seemingly infallible leader is in fact a mad lunatic, but I'm too far in to throw up my arms and surrender. The only option is to hold my ground, say a prayer, and hope that the inevitable end is over as quickly and painlessly as possible.

--bigmatt99 in dorktowerfeed (link to strip here for when the feed cycles through)

I also like when people tell me they liked the cool shit that I publish, and I absolutley wet my pants when people give me money!! in exchange for the books that I've published.

So stop on by the dealers room if you are around. I'd love to wet my pants in front of you, or something.

From evilandi.

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I’m rather tired of the “Dubya is my homeboy,” “Jesus is my homeboy,” and “Stoops is my homeboy,” phenomenon. The first one mostly. I somehow doubt that any of them are your homeboy, unless you’ve got mad connections.

- cosmicautumn, here