September 13th, 2004

Knitting Love

Canada!

Dammit, seraphic_slayer has got to stop being so witty!

…and also handsome.

Anyway, here he is talking about what makes our friendly neighbor to the north such a great country. You can read the rest of the utterly hysterical post here.


I have this mental image in my head of the terrorists sitting around making up this list.

Head Terrorist: First we shall destroy the American Pig-dog-men and then will come the stinking British.

Terrorist #1: (writing this down)

Terrorist #2: (insert cry of terrorist group here)

HT: Then we shall rid the world of Italy, after we take all of their pasta, and France...after we take all of their wine and cheese.

#1: Excellent!

HT: After that...we're pretty much done, really.

#1 and #2 exchange a glance and #2 raises his hand.

#2: Sir? What about Canada?

HT: Who?

#2: Canada.

HT: Canada? Is that one of those island in Polynesia?

#1: No, it's the large landmass above the United States.

HT: (long pause) Oh! CanaDA! ...I suppose we can attack them too...y'know...just to clean up.

#2: "Clean up", sir?

HT: Y'know, like when you eat an entire box of Poptarts because you've already had two and then you ate two more because after two Poptarts you're officially having a meal so you eat the last two in the box just so you don't have two Poptarts kicking around? To clean up.

#1 and #2: Oh.
  • Current Music
    Family Guy
kitty laugh

spiders!

from felisdemens:

And, naturally, a spider appears and begins scuttling across the inside of the driver's side window.

Reality: It's one of those hideous slightly-translucent straw-colored spiders, about the size of a dime.

My perception: It's a radioactive facehugger thirsting for my tender brainmeats.

I shriek like a ravished soprano and nearly drive into the median...


the whole thing is here.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
The Princess' typist in RW

(no subject)

cob_web in this post on the absurdity of warning labels:

Don't know if the iron is taking effect, although the pack made me laugh this morning. It says on the front "Warning, this product may contain iron. Keep out of the sight and reach of children. An overdose is fatal." I should bloody well hope it DOES contain iron!
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
diabolical dragon

On the attention span of the Allmighty

from the comments to this entry in mock_the_stupid, wherein a pastor tells photographers not to use their flashes because "it distracts God":

deadmanintrunk: yeah..shiny things distract the all powerful creator.

tviokh: Y'know, that just might explain everything.
God exists, God's not ignoring us, it's just that the sun's shining and reflecting off of everything reflective distracts the poor old guy.

"Hrm, my humans are getting a little aggressive and out of control down there, perhaps I should do someth--oooooh, shiny..."
  • Current Mood
    *sporfle*
badkitty
  • badong

Redneck Bible Theater(tm)

GOD: Let there be light! (there is light) Git-r-done! ...Okay, I done created me a universe that centers entirely around this-here garden. I gots lotsa critters in it...what am I forgetting? Ah! People! Or person, I oughta say!
ADAM: S'up, God?
GOD: Not much, Adam. Here's the deal: It's just you here with all these animals, so you got to name all of 'em.
ADAM: Okay. A frog, a gazelle, a cat--DEER! (shotgun blasts)
GOD: Name 'em, man, don't shoot 'em.
ADAM: My bad.


-- from this post by silent_r_infork, who I swear is somehow channeling The Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
journies begin with the first step

Assault rifle touting trucks!

royko discusses the lifting of the assault weapon ban and the sudden wave of unrealistic truck towing commercials in this post:

"And why do they stop there? Why not show the truck towing the entire planet? Or the sun? Why don't they add more non-existent capabilities: the truck can fly too! And it has a raygun mounted on the roof that will destroy anyone who cuts you off! And it can become invisible!

I'm going to turn off the TV now. Because in less than nine hours, trucks with mounted assault rifles will ride into town, alternately towing and destroying everything in their paths."
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful
can'ttakethesky

(no subject)

By the wonderful hyzenthlay

"A scanner, who, frustrated with his lot in life and his unrequited love for the computer he's connected to, lashes out at human beings, killing them.
This is what you get when you average only 4 hrs of sleep a night, fry your brains with literary theory, and then try to write a sci-fi/fantasy story."
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
shark hug
  • cortie

The Dark Knight Strikes Again!

Neil Gaiman makes me snort my soda yet again...
Not content with stealing a slice of birthday cake, Batman has now invaded Buckingham Palace...

Personally I'm starting to suspect that these people aren't really Batman at all. In fact, it all sounds like one huge joke. A joke aimed at discrediting Batman. But what warped mind could possibly come up with something so fiendish and so funny at the same time...?
Tachikoma

Hobo physics!

Advanced Classical Mechanics, p. 99: "2 hobos, each with mass m_h, are standing at one end of a stationary flatcar with frictionless wheels and mass m_fc."

I'm sitting here in the majors' lounge debating with Sarah about which makes the flatcar go faster in the end: 2 hobos jumping off at once, or one hobo jumping off after the other.

It's...hilarious. Hobos in parallel or hobos in series. --ancalemon regarding physics
bokohorrified--by me

(no subject)

Maybe some of you read Dork Tower, the comic book about geeks and RPers. Well, the creator of it, muskrat_john, has some problems...

As a brief aside, did you know that my dentist wields a machine called (and I wish this were fiction, not cold, cold fact) the "Cavitron 2000."

Let me repeat that, as to let it sink in properly: "CAVITRON 2000".

Why nobody on the Dental Marketing Board or whatever had the slightest inkling that this might be an unfortunate moniker is beyond me. Because if there's one thing I dearly love about going to the dentist, it's trying to think peaceful, calming thoughts while having a bloody great loud machine scream "CAVITRON" from its antiseptic metallic side at me.

I mean, instead of "CAVITRON 2000," they could have just called it the "Happy Happy Fun Time Machine", or something.
Rock and rule
  • emglyph

"I like to bitch, bitch, bitch!"

emperor_boy posts some amusing interaction with a customer:

Dude: Workin on my avie art?
whitetrashpalace: No. Working on the comic.
Dude: ....
Dude: when will you stop workin on the comic and make my avie?
whitetrashpalace: Fuck if I know.
Dude: >=( Then work on it cumbag! please?
whitetrashpalace: OH SHIT
whitetrashpalace: I HEAR SOMETHING
whitetrashpalace: DO YOU HEAR IT?
whitetrashpalace: RAGING DOWN THE STREETS
Dude: ....Here we go again
whitetrashpalace: AROUND THE CORNER
whitetrashpalace: OH SHIT THERE IT IS
whitetrashpalace: LOOK
Dude: *looks*
whitetrashpalace: IT'S THE WAAAHBULANCE
Dude: >.> I hate you
Dude: ¬.¬
whitetrashpalace: WEEER WEEER WEER WEeeeEEEER
Dude: >_<
whitetrashpalace: A MAN STEPS OUT!
Dude: stopit!
Dude: oh boy
whitetrashpalace: "SIR! SIR! ARE YOU ALRIGHT! SIR! CAN YOU HEAR ME!"
Dude: @_@
whitetrashpalace: "SIR, WE GOT A COMPLAINT OF 'POINTLESS WHINING' FROM THIS ADDRESS! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE ALRIGHT, SIR? SIR! ANSWER ME!" The man, frantic, looks both ways before knocking you over the head with a Maglite flashlight.
Dude: ;_;
whitetrashpalace: He gets back into the Waaahbulance and speeds away.
  • Current Music
    Strong In Love - Chicane
Anxious, Klaus Baudelaire

Does Kroger's Dental Plan COVER that?

Taken from this post in customers_suck

Post cyndarr: Then an obnoxious couple came through, full on with screaming, destructive children (haha, I got a head start on breaking store property!), and since I can't read minds, I didn't know I was only supposed to address the mother. I asked the father about the Tropicanan Lemonade 20 ouncers, "Sir, do you want these in a bag?"
This is a very large, morbidly obese woman. She grabbed her hefty breast and said "Do I look like a man? Do I?"

Reply ladydreamer : Also, I don't think it's EVER a good practice to go waving your boob at someone.
cyndarr : It looked like it weighed twenty pounds, I could have lost a tooth.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
upgrade

hahahahaha

from one of mos_stef's protected entries:

Matt was talking to Kevin today about his geography homework and mentioned the country of Nicaragua.

Kara, who is only 8 years old, walks in and says:

Collapse )


Don't ask me where the hell she learned that, and we certainly don't condone racism at my house.
  • Current Music
    4hero - talk around town
sphinx

klig mows the lawn with the weed-eater

Yesterday, after getting back from Ballarat, I mowed the lawn. Of course, when I say "mowed", I actually mean "pillaged" [...]

When I say pillaged, that too is a little inaccurate. It was more like hacking to death all the male blades of grass, selling the women and children into slavery, demolishing the temples and sowing salt into the fields. I dominated the garden. Thick or thin, tall or short, I tore into it all and reduced it to a uniform half-inch green fuzz. The bay bush and lavender got a bit uppity so I gave them a taste of high-speed whippy orange monofilament death. I pissed off the neighbours. I generated a metric assload of grass clippings for the compost heap. I reduced the CO2 absorbtion capacity of my garden by 50%. I covered my lower half in the green blood of my enemies.

I am man. Hear me roar.


Full post here:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/klig/282368.html