September 2nd, 2004

Speedy Bush
  • rwp

Death and the Salesman

From the journal of the ever beautiful and talented kantarya

She gets a call from a salesman, attempting to sell her a funeral plot.

</span>Me: Hello?
Guy: Is this Mrs. Sezebkjfek? (i.e. I'm a telemarketer and have no clue how to pronounce your weird-ass last name)
Me: Can I ask who's calling, please? (i.e. I'm about to hang up on your ass)
Guy: I'm calling from such-and-such funeral services, and I was wondering if you've purchased a grave plot yet?
Me: Uh...we're not interested.
Guy: Oh, have you already purchased a grave plot?
Me: No, we're just not planning on dying any time soon.
Guy: *is stupefied*
J

SLANDER!

Taken from this post on veganpeople which was recently referenced. I hated what he said so much that I joined to respond and then quit. In any event...

"Nice try at using a double-meaning to slander the plant kingdom."

Slander the plant kingdom. Well, if it were false, it would have been libel, but I think I'll try some slander too. Tomorrow at noon I will be on the courthouse steps protesting the tyrannical dictatorship of Plantae, not to mention spreading some vicious rumors about its nobility.

DOWN WITH THE PLANT KINGDOM! WORKERS OF MAMMALIA UNITE!

...*snerk*
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avatar
  • jadasc

(no subject)

signsoflife gets to the heart of the matter. From one of those interview memes:

5. Who would you most want to sit next to on a long bus ride: Batman or Superman? Batman, because he wouldn't try to talk to me. Superman's a midwesterner AND a reporter. Yap yap yap.
agent may is unimpressed

On the RNC last night

There's really nothing more entertaining than retiring politicians with nothing to lose and country-wide audience. I was half expecting [Zell Miller] to rip off his suit and lead the enraged mob outside where they would cut a bloody swath through protesters on the way to John Kerry's house, whom they would ritually sacrifice to bring forth the Undead Zombie King, Ruler of All he Surveys, Strom Thurmond. Reincarnated in the body of one of the Olsen Twins. The other one would be his familiar. And Jessica Simpson would battle them to save the world. In a mud-wrestling match.

--doqz, here
Whuh Huh?!

Two from annlarimer


Have earworms something fierce lately, mostly really irritating shit like the Sailor Moon transformation music. Fortunately, the kitchen sink has a dispos-all, so if it gets too bad I can always shove my head right into the churning blades.

***

[Ann's mom] "Why didn't you want to watch it?"
[Ann] "Because I like Jesus, and I really don't need to see him in a snuff film. It's like watching a My Little Pony being skinned and butchered."

curious pensive thoughtful

Hurricane prep

"Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:


STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.


STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.


STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
"

walker1812 on Hurricane Frances and general Hurricane Prep. Whole post here.



*while I think the list is funny, I in no way think another cat 4 slamming Florida and scaring my friends, and possibly causing my pregnant friends to have to skip out on work to evacuate is funny.

If you're in Florida or know someone who is -- my heart is holding good thoughts for your safety and for Frances to turn out more like Bonnie than Charlie.
Whuh Huh?!

(no subject)

From to this article as found by tviokh:

"At Wichita's Wilbur Middle School, the so-called Goth look is out. Principal Cherie Crain says black lipstick, eye shadow, nail polish and hair dye are banned, along with all-black clothing. Also on the list are such accessories as studded metal bracelets and graphic T-shirts advertising heavy metal bands. Crain says students dressing in the so-called Goth style have become a distraction -- and some younger students were intimidated."

lady_eldarwen: I almost wish I was a student there just so I could undermine the rule. So heavy metal black are out. Check my new and improved "Scary Christian Goth" outfit. Still going for sheet pale but now with blood red lips and nails. I will wear nothing but white clothing and Christian band shirts. I will wear excessive crosses and loads of rosaries. I will spew out random Bible verse and glare with displeasure at all who do not appreciate my lipstick stigmata.

new meez, default

Corporate image

jhetley, about a telemarketing call:

So I pick up the phone, and there's James Earl Jones wanting to talk to me about Verizon. Do I _really_ want to buy my phone service from Darth Vader?

But strangely appropriate, considering that the AT&T icon looks so much like the Death Star...
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Nanerpus!

Are you fertile?

[If marriage and sex are only about procreation], why [did] God even bothered to make it so we receive pleasure from sex. if it was simply about having kids, why didn't God keep pleasure out of it altogether?

does this also mean that you shouldn't get married just because you are in love with someone, even though you are a male/female couple? i mean, shouldn't the argument not be about if you are attracted to boobs/brain/brawn, but whether or not you can actually HAVE kids? sure, you might end up marrying someone who is impotent/infertile . . . but when you first start looking for a mate, shouldn't you start with, "Hi. Nice to meet you. My name is Joan. Are you fertile?"

- joand in ljdemocrats

http://www.livejournal.com/community/ljdemocrats/914846.html?view=8776350#t8776350
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Joe&#39;s Crab Shack
  • beehner

(no subject)

From limmenel, via Gmail:

*laughs* Iowa's great. Class goes like this:

Teacher Assistant (TA): Okay, give me some examples of some negative prefixes.
Me: Anti.
TA: Okay, now give me an example of it, used attatched to another word.
Me: Anti-Bush.
Class: Bursts into laughter and applause.
TA: (obviously Republican) Oookay. (not happy here) How about giving
me a REAL word with anti at the begining.
Me: (promptly) Antidisestablishmentarianism.
TA: o.O
Me: I can spell that for you too, if you'd like. And give it to you in
a sentence.

*grins*

Damn hurricane. Stay safe, mon petit fromage* :)


*French Translation: My little cheese.
Playful Dragons -- art by Lisa Andresen

(no subject)

sarahtheboring is amusing about typos and domains:

While doing data entry today I accidentally typed ".org" as ".erg". If that isn't a top-level domain yet, I think it should be.

picturesofstrangepeople.erg
owlpellets.erg
ijustblewoffahundredandfiftycomments.erg
um.erg

Besides, it's a unit of work, as I recall. Or er...something.

icannotrememberablessedthingfromtwosemestersofcollegephysics.erg


And then gets profound about words: Collapse )
brimstone hellcar

Amand-r, A Constant Source of Hurricane Quotes

I've quoted amand_r before about the last Hurricane to hit Florida. Now, talking about this one:

So, Sylvan has canceled classes for tomorrow and the entire weekend, which of course, for me is grrrrreat! I traipse about the house and do my Tony the Tiger impression. I actually said the words "It'll be like a snow day!"

And then I remembered: snow days usually meant the snow had fallen and was laying useless in the street like a vagabond, perhaps George Thuroughgood in "One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer." Hurricane Day means impending doom and rioting, random women giving you their babies just before they are killed by dragons, and most of all, a tall man in robes bursting into our apartment and asking the cat "Is it secret? Is it safe?"


(The rest of the post is hillarious, too, but I gather quoting an entire post would be overkill.)
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Once again, two in one

* midwinter has raised "snark" into an art form. Talking about how some Republicans have labeled Mary Cheney a "selfish hedonist":

And, seriously, how can you look at her sad ponytail and "my 7th grade gym teacher who didn't want the kids to know" look and call it hedonistic. Please. I have furniture that is more hedonistic than Mary Cheney.

* This is from a comment in my own journal, but it's full of such sweet longing that I had to quote. Context: Frustrations of a progressive person in a conservative society. shadowcaptain, here :

what we're waiting for, essentially, is the chance to shout "EPPER SI MOUVE, BEYATCH!!!!!" at the top of our lungs, from every hilltop and streetcorner, at everyone that's ever had the unmitigated gall to keep their heads in the sand, in spite of our collective best efforts to drag the world forwards instead of backwards.

I know the feeling.
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Roxalicious!
  • kali921

If Finrod and Glaurung met on Crossfire....

Quoted with permission from the brilliant camwyn in a discussion about what will happen when Finrod (Tolkien's beautiful Elven Finrod) meets Glaurung the Dragon one day in Mandos:

If dragons go to the halls of Mandos when they die, every other elf in the Halls is going to have to hold Finrod down the day Glaurung finally gets cacked. "You! YOu absolute piece of FILTH! YOU SHAT IN MY CAVES! You ruined everything I built you miserable worm! AND DON'T EVEN THINK THAT YOU CAN GET OUT OF THIS! YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!"

Dude, it'd look like Jerry Springer inside of five minutes. Finrod is an anthropologist and a crafter and a builder and a king, and Glaurung took over his residence and scattered all the treasures and things Finrod had ever collected or accumulated and ruined the lives of uncounted Men (equiv. to kicking seeing-eye puppies in Finrod's book) and, well, Finrod would be leaping across the table to GOUGE OUT GLAURUNG'S EYEBALLS WITH HIS THUMBS. You know he would.


Coming to Pay Per View near you soon.
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character

make it fair

From orthoepy's post:

LB [her son]: When's Dada coming home?
Mama: He'll be home tomorrow when you wake up, and he'll take you to school.
LB: Will he pick me up?
Mama: No, honey, he'll be at work.
LB: THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Mama: Sorry, LB, that's the way it is. Sometimes Dada picks you up, and sometimes Mama picks you up.
LB: YOU NEED TO MAKE THE WORLD FAIR!
Mama: I wish I could, sweetie.
LB: YOU'RE A MAMA! OF COURSE YOU CAN MAKE THE WORLD FAIR!
Mama: I'm sorry, LB.
LB: THEN YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAMA. (sobbing) YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A COWARDLY CUSTARD!
LB: DO IT! MAKE IT FAIR!
Mama: We can't discuss this when you're upset.
  • dantc

A large tropical disturbance

Many of the one million people evacuating Florida have made it to the border that state shares with Georgia. As we are all aware, hurricanes never cross state lines. Anyway, several dozen of the fleeing masses have made it to the hotel where sforzie works, including one rather unpleasant person who had a hard time accepting the reality of no room at the inn. sforzie, after dealing with her, said:

I hope Frances stomps on your house and then washes it in the ocean.</a>
PR || Cosmos

A couple of goodies.

When asked for comment, "Star Wars Kid" Ghyslain pitched a fit and said "Le screux you guys, I'm going home."

(Not really.)


--agermain, commenting on on this article about a Jedi school opening in Romania

Happy 35th Birthday Internet!!
You've made my life so much better, my ability to access reference material and things are literally at my fingertips, and my access to porn has never been easier.


--geckoman, who notes such things
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