July 16th, 2004

Suicidal Midgets...

"The reason why Taylor has a strap around her chest is because she is starting to let go of our hands and run towards moving cars. Yes we bought her a kid leash. I found out that part of trying to be responsible parents is to do your best to keep your child alive at all cost. Little children are like suicidal midgets; plus Jill and I are not fast enough to always catch them."

~ datphan

(no subject)

Yeah, so there's a major problem with my laptop.

It won't let me sleep.

No. It sits on my bed and it says, "Hey! Go check your LJ! It's been 10 minutes since you last read it and you don't want to miss anything!"

So I do. And I say, "Ok, there haven't been any updates to my Friends List the last 20 times I checked. Now I'm definitely going to bed."

And my laptop laughs and laughs and laughs, and when it composes itself, it says, ever so sweetly, "Don't you think you should check just once more? Just in case?"

"Well, alright. It won't take but a minute, and then I really will go to sleep," I respond.

I check.

*GASP!* An update! "Thank you, Laptop, for making me check once more! And, oooh, look, it's a long entry from someone I don't know! I must read the whole thing and then peruse their userinfo!"

And my laptop just sits there congratulating itself, as its evil plan is set into motion.

"Good night, Jessica!" it sings. "Sleep well! I'll keep an eye on your LJ for you! Don't worry!" Then it hums *Rock-a-bye Baby" until I nod off.

I only wish I knew what its evil plan was...


"so then I took all the bugs off of my bed and put them in a huge jar.. and brought them to the next store neighbors dog, and i was all.. "Are you a general in the bug/human army?"

and he was all.. "YES!!"

so i gave him the jar of bugs and im like . .. "here are some of your privates.""


Even with the typos, it's pretty funny. It was part of a dream she had in which bugs and humans were at war with each other.


~laughs hysterically~

From this thread over at marysues

karma_aster: "...with one last thrust, the both of you came "______!!!" "HIEI!!"

"That line is possibly the most unintentionally hysterical thing I've ever seen in a fic."

"Oh, take me, ____!!! Take me NOW, my hot, squiggly, intentionally vauge love muffin! Oh yeah, ____, baby...I'm gonna do unspecified, nebulous things to your vaugely described naughty bits all night long!"



From the journal of sarahtales

Lasair and I were discomposed to miss our flight there due to the cunning machinations of the Airline God, who looked upon our unrighteous souls and judged us with great vengeance. He also joined forces with the Bus God and the Taxi God, and thus left us stranded in a Belgium Village. Quoth we, Eeep.
  • Current Music
    Opening Medley-The Chieftains-An Irish Evening

(no subject)

jean_prouvaire on using "teh" in real life:

But I mean, when one starts subconsciously attempting to carry on civilized conversation in LJ-speak, we've got trouble, my friends. Right here in River City. With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for "pastede on yay."
snacky purple
  • snacky

(no subject)

Over on fandom_wankwankprophet has 10 Unpopular Fannish Opinions - for Dr. Suess Fandom:

I) The fish in The Cat in the Hat was not a well-rounded individual. Twenty couplets of mommy issues do not a three-dimensional character make. So the next time I hear about how the fish isn't really evil and your interpretation of him is as valid as mine and that having the fish stab the Cat in the Hat to death in his sleep is canonically-plausible, I'm gonna flame you like Richard Simmons meeting a Backstreet Boy. In fact, I wish all you fanfic writers would stop trying give depth to characters that, in general, are as profound as Ronald McDonald Horton hears a fucking "who", not a "who will relieve me of my agony, allow my dark sperm to burst forth in an ecstasy of subverted desire?" So if you find yourself writing drabble about Horton's necro-political longings, stop right there and beat your hands with a ruler until they're willing to quit writing that stuff. The Hortons in "Horton Hears a Who" and "Horton Lays an Egg" are the same damned obsessive-compulsive elephant with gender-identity issues. There's no character development whatsoever. Capisce?

Collapse )

Clay Aiken Concert

My friend purplicious and I went to the concert a few nights ago. She's a HUGE fan and therefore her post about it was destined to be hillarious. A few of the highlights:

Cherie was our opening act. I suppose she wasn’t bad. I might have enjoyed her more if I hadn’t wanted to violently grab her and hurl her off the stage so Clay could come.

But then he said that the best dancer was going to get to come up on stage and dance with him. And be given a lei. So I ran out to the aisle where he could actually see my dancing, and began to Salsa! Haha, I knew all those Salsa lessons would be good for something! But then an evil security person told me I had to get out of the aisle. So I tried dancing more from my seat, but it was sad, because I knew there was no way he could really see me from there. Finally, Caroline was like, “Kate, stand on your chair!” And I said that I couldn’t possibly, because that really would be against the rules. But then I did it anyway. And I know he had to have seen me, because I was way taller than anyone around me. So. Clay has seen me. *squeeeee* Unfortunately, it’s hard to salsa on a chair, so my awesome dancing was not seen. And then another evil security person told me I had to get down. And then some other girl who was wearing a headband that made it look like she had antlers was chosen. Gosh, why didn’t I think of antlers to get noticed?

I got the autograph of and a picture with a guy who was up on stage talking to Clay. This is a guy that Clay touched. I touched a guy Clay touched. *dies*

Then came Invisible, which he encouraged us all to sing along to. Haha, that’s funny, Clay, did you really think my voice was in any shape for singing after all the screaming??
  • Current Music
    "All I Want"---Joni Mitchell

I totally <3 this guy!

From scottage

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

"Porn is not meaningless. Porn has always been there for me. It's been by my side through good times and through bad. While relationships, partners, friends, lovers, and other things have come and gone from my life, Porn has always been a constant. Unlike lovers, the porn won't leave me, won't hurt me, won't manipulate me to get what it wants. All porn wants is the best for me, and the only manipulation being done is by me to my own body. All it ever asks in return is for me to obtain more porn, and even that is for my own good. Porn is like joy, distilled into glistening opal raindrops of elated pleasure which, with a bit of coaxing, can erupt forth in a glistening stream of utter bliss.

So please, don't compare the unconditional joy that porn brings with something as base and fickle as love."

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Dissent - Jefferson

quotable Cleolinda

cleolinda on 80's movies.

I eventually broke down and googled "Flashdance lyrics," so I know what it really says now, but I swear the backup singers are saying "Bitches come alive when I call." This is a power I want. I think it would come in handy.


*flash of lightning*


In this post.
  • Current Mood
    devious devious

(no subject)

On the drive in this morning, I saw a huge, jacked-up Jeep CJ, with massive beach-ball tires, a towering whip CB antena, and a monster big rope wrapped around it's front bumper. It was fenderless, and splattered in mud. Across the back it said in huge red letters "Red Neck".

Like that was needed to clear up any doubts about the driver. That's like putting "Lil Penis" on the back of your Corvette, or "Breeder" on the back of your mini-van. Or "Moron" beside your pissing Calvin window sticker.

gruggach Sorry if I don't link this right... Here

(no subject)

apocalypsos: Let me explain to you why you never prove to a workplace full of guys that you really can tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue.

No, on second thought, let me just leave it to your imaginations.

And then canthlian commented in that thread: Personally, I'd be terrified if someone could tie my penis in a knot while giving head.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Iron Butterfly

Kiss your networks goodbye

hellsop Theorizes about a way to thin the internet herd here

I want a Windows program that puts up a dialog box that says:

I am too stupid to own a computer.
and has OK and Cancel buttons. If the user presses Cancel, it quits. If the user presses OK, the program mails itself to the user's entire Outlook address book, zaps the C: drive's MBR, and deletes itself.

(no subject)

dorothywwmom's comment to someone naming their child "Infinite Skyy"

Good Names fit in one of these sentences, "I'd like to introduce you to (NAME), Attorney at Law." Or "Hello, I'm Dr. (NAME)." Or, if you are very ambitious, "Today President (NAME) won a landslide victory."

Bad Names fit in this sentence: "The Boom Boom Room is proud to present (NAME)!"

The whole thing can be found here.