June 17th, 2004

lady tree tree

(no subject)

Dear Rainlights,

Do you remember when you had your mother drag you to the doctor simply because your "arm felt twitchy?" And surely you recall spending hours fretting over whether or not it was "just a mole." Of course it was "just a mole," but you knew better, didn't you. You knew that mole could also mean "brain-sucking evil plotting to take over the world." Those were your exact words, weren't they? Why, just tonight you were convinced that your throat was "closing up because it is infested with a malevolent fungus." Yes, Rainlights, we are very impressed with your record. It is with great pleasure that we welcome you into our jittery fold. (That is, if you haven't croaked yet.)

Most sincerely,
The Society of Hypochondriacs

P.S. You did look up hypochondriac, didn't you? That's our girl.
P.P.S. That spot on your ankle looks suspicious. We think you should get it checked out.
P.P.P.S. And aren't you feeling a bit dizzy?




The ever-hysterical rainlights.
default

(no subject)

Like "w-i-e-r-d".

No!
NO NO NO NO NO!
But I think I made a rant on that one a few years or months or whatever ago.
Just remember: "i" before "e" except after "c" and in weird cause it's weird!
You drooling homonculus fuckwit


-- kixie, on spelling errors she cannot tolerate; here

(no subject)

quasisonic concening a broken air conditioner at the office:

I predict that in the face of such high indoor climates the staff will take on a tribal energy, congregating at the pool as though it were the local watering hole and hunting down prey (stray children and slow moving seniors) to sacrifice to the central air gods.

I just hope I get to make spears out of pendaflex folders! :D
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
intertubes tmicore

Cynicbots!

fourcorners, in a response to a post in my journal:

You're perfect. Mind if I clone you, to make a master race of cynicbots? The phalanx of cynicbots will purge the world of the dregs of our pop culture and politics, ie, everybody you mentioned above and anyone who aspires to be like them. They'll julienne them with razor sharp sporks, and garnish them with parsnip and serve them fresh-n-fruity to hungry bears.

(Yes, I realise it's the height of egomania to quote something from one's own journal, but I just liked the razor-sharp sporks and the parsnip.)
sporfle, akotas, ehehe, snerk
  • mhari

(no subject)

(Tangential aside: the number 0, unlike any other number, measures the absence of something instead of the presence of it. By this mathematical rule, if you wear a size 0, it is not illogical to infer that your body doesn't even have enough mass to displace atoms in the air. Your ass does not even cause a ripple in the space-time continuum. So if you are a size 0, it is tantamount to saying that you do not exist. Baby does not got back. In fact, not only does baby not got back, baby is trapped in some sort of GAP-created Matrix-like realm for the shockingly slender. In conclusion: workers at my gym, please eat a sandwich in order to rejoin us in this physical realm. Thanks.)

--the ever-witty lgamine. Locked entry, quoted with permission.
  • Current Mood
    hee!
all fucked up on hockey

(no subject)

officialgaiman:
And seeing that Father's Day is coming up soon, I thought I'd plug the Orka Silicone Oven Gloves (or, as they are known in my house, the Zoidbergs, because once you put them on you can wave your lobster-clawed hands above your head and say "Look, I am Zoidberg" while your daughter rolls her eyes in embarrassment). Here's the Amazon link, because the "Evil Overlord" review made me laugh.
  • Current Music
    "Bring Back the Sun" by Our Lady Peace
new meez, default

Concerning the current madness in Europe

From siliconshaman, in a discussion of car flags (sports and patriotic) in the US:

It's footie [soccer] season over here. Middle of Euro2004 actually. So there's bloody England flags everywhere!

Cars, houses [damn great big flags], shirts, even planes and shopping trolleys. Basically, anything that can be painted on is white with a red-cross on it and if it can't be painted it has a flippin' flag on it! They're even selling patriotic VIBRATORS for gawds sake! Talk about lie back and think of England!
  • Current Mood
    giggly giggly
hometown girl by antheia

Rules of the Pedestrian Road in NYC

sadistichrist had this brilliant piece of advice to share in newyorkers

Rules for Walking through Times Square (especially for tourists)

1. Let go of your SO's hand. One would think this would be obvious because it makes it difficult to walk holding hands when there are 597203737183837 other people on the sidewalk, but people are stupid.

2. Let your kid off the dog leash. Not only is this annoying for trying to walk around, but it is also dehumanizing. Teach your children to think, don't train them to obey. It's especially upsetting when seeing it at 10 p.m. with horrible parents dragging their groggy 4-year-olds around.

3. Choose your picture-taking spot wisely. Do not stop in the middle of a crowded sidewalk and expect everyone to stop walking because you are taking a fucking picture. People have places to go and will walk right through your wannabe photo op. Times Square has this particularly nifty island in the middle of the street that has much less traffic than the sidewalks - take the picture there.

4. Watch your cigarette. Maybe these people just have never been on a crowded street, but it's not ok to flail your cigarette about, no matter how heated the conversation you are having, when there is an excellent chance you will burn one of the thousands that are sharing the sidewalk with you. It's best to keep it in front of you where you can monitor it rather than to the side of you where someone could swoop by and knock off your cherry.

5. Pretend you are driving. When you decide to stop, pull over into the breakdown lane first. It is very possible that stopping short in the middle of the sidewalk will cause a pile-up...dumbass. Also, if you are turning a certain way, it is best to get to that side of the sidewalk so that you don't have to try and walk perpendicular to everyone else.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Music - Tyson

"The Bloody Tears Of A Disappointed Uterus"

Posted from fox1013's journal, with permission:

But I figure I'll slap it off, go back to bed until 8:53 (which is practically on time, really), and then spend a while moaning about how my torso needs to be replaced with something completely lacking feeling so that the fact that my uterus is LEAKING BLOOD will cease to be an issue. Because it will be replaced with a shiny plastic uterus that does not cause pain and, in fact, does not leak blood. Ever. Once a month, it gets rid of a toy surprise through my bellybutton. I think next month it will be the Angel DVDs.
  • Current Music
    "War" - Edwin Starr
justified:the hat

found on fandom_wank!

ahiru: We could be out holding up banks, abusing children, committing mass murder or some other completely heinous crime, but We're not that evil.

Yes, I know I was all ready to go rob some banks and murder some babies, and then I found a plotbunny under the bed and wrote fanfic instead. Just think, if we could get all the world leaders to become fanfic writers, there would be no more war! It would be beautiful (well, at least until Chirac tells Bush his fic sucks and then Tony Blair starts yelling "OMG u r so meen don't bash my friend" and Bush starts writing poetry about how the criticism wounded his soul and then orders France blown up, while a few other leaders snicker in the background and write Bush x Blair PWP fics).

from this wank!
  • Current Mood
    giggly giggly
Griselda

From the listmaker, aimlesscoyote

Today's list is:
    Signs You Might Be Paranoid.
  1. This list is about you.
  2. No, seriously, I made this list just to freak you out.
  3. The government isn't actually going through your mail. It's Interpol... get it right!
  4. You suspect someone paid me to make this list about you.
  5. You paid me to take this list off.
  6. I laughed and said you were paranoid.
  7. ...But I took the money anyway.
  8. You're at the end of this list, and you're still pretty damn sure it's about you.
  9. My reply of "it's not" makes you furious. LIAR!

So, so wrong

sclerotic_rings in a rant here about the importance of enunciation when talking on the telephone. "Yes, you feel insecure without your little brother's penis in your mouth, but it'll be waiting there when you're done, and you can get back to whatever it was that we didn't want to contemplate you doing after you're finished with that call."

The whole thing is pretty damned funny.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
ranmachan - by kannaophelia

The lovely and charming lovelyzelda on badly written cartoon crossovers:

Pretty Hologram Sailor Jem!

"Jerrica! A giant monster is attacking downtown...whatever the hell city this is!"

"I bet the Misfits are behind this!"

"Not now...I'm trying to decide if I should tell Rio that I'm not only Jem, but also Pretty Hologram Sailor Jem, Jem's alter ego...and I think I'm falling in love with Tuxedo Hologram..." said Jem unhappy voices.

"It's not fair!!!!" scream Kimber. "Why do you have secret identities on top of secret identites? The Holograms and the Sailor Holograms are all about Jem!" Kimber run out of room, throw self on bed, cry and cry and cry.