April 23rd, 2004

Lexington Steele answers questions about his religious beliefs

In this post in wtf_inc, uberreiniger posted chunks of an interview with a porn star, along with his own commentary:

Yes, I am religious. I am Christian: Baptist. I grew up in as close to a Cosby-show lifestyle as you can get. Doing porno, on a repeated basis, I am committing adultery; I'm not married, so I'm fornicating for a living; I'm paid to have sex, which means what? I'm prostituting by definition. These are things I have to reckon with with my God on a daily basis. I knowingly do these things.
My decision to do porno has forced me to take my religion within: because of my job I am stronger in my relationship with God, because now I take God with me everywhere I go; if I don't, I'll fail! I didn't know that god blessed me with an abnormally large penis that allows me to make porno. But I feel blessed. I believe I am blessed because I am meant to please one woman for the rest of our lives together. True, I haven't met her yet.


You hear that? If you're going to have sex on a gold [sic - should be "golf"] course in Budapest with a girl whose ass is on fire, take God with you because if you don't, you'll fail!


The whole thing is pretty hilarious, so I suggest reading it.
Hayyy

A critique on "Troy"

"Yeah, that's a hot photo even with that little blonde in it. Seriously, what were they thinking? I wouldn't send a midget with a broken cap gun after her - let alone a thousand ships carrying some really hot slashable Greek guys."-retyped from this thread.

Bwahahahaha...
[Gen] Dark flowers

It won't be long before there's Jesus/Seacrest slash

From a locked post of mine (though it's the comments that are amusing) that included the following poll questions:

Name six contestants you'd like to see on Celebrity American Idol.
bellsforme responds with: Paris Hilton, Jared Leto, Jewel, George Lopez, Eminem, and Jesus.*

In later discussion on the poll results:
paradise_city: I didn't know Jesus could sing.
sykod: He's Jesus, yo. He can do anything.

*Incidentally, she also includes Jesus in the lineup for Celebrity Real World, which is also amusing as hell.
Tonks: Wotcher - Default

XD hilarity

Ash: I'm sorry. I'm laughing way to hard to bother trying to type, so excuse the typos....I mean, I have this rather hilarious image of Voldmort needing to duck into the bathroom before a Death Eater meeting to get rid of the image of Hermione in lingerie out of his head.
Rhiannon:OMG. Voldie would feel it when Harry..erm...how do I phrase this...?
Ash: Yes. That's what I was trying to paraphrase, without totally destroying the the already lacking sense of respect I hold for the supposed "Dark Lord".
Rhiannon: LMAO funky wankin Harry. Thinking about Cho naked!
Ash: Explains why Lucius always has such a foul expression on his face. Voldie moaned Cho's name instead of his.
Rhiannon: Actually...if you go in for the "Harry is gay" thing- Sirius naked *would* explain Voldie's speech.
Ash:I cant believe, with such filthy minds as ours, that we didnt come up with this beforehand.
Rhiannon: Well, it was kinda inevitable.
Ash: Yes, it WAS coming, wasn't it?
Rhiannon: Someone call the pun police, Ashleigh's got a live one!
Ash: Oh, shut up. I'm trying to get the image of Hermione in lingerie out of my head. *scrubs her eyes with a toothbrush*


madamenileffrom the LJ of Ash
gaiman

(no subject)

Seriously, I'm not kidding. Beauty salons are scary. All the women came and sat around me like clawed, hungry vampires.
SALON WOMAN #1: I must give you a facial. AND ETERNAL LIFE.
MAYA: eeep.
SW#2: Wax her! wax her everywhere! I even have little tiny waxing strips for her eyebrows! and little tiny fangs for her THROAT!
MAYA: I don't, um, I've never waxed anything before...
SWs: ... Ahhhh! Is that a cross or a lifetime without beauty treatments you wave before us?!
SW#3: Lovely colour! What do you use?
MAYA: I... go outside in the sun?
SW#3: Ah... she is one of the mortals. She can walk in the sunlight. Yes, I remember... once, long ago...

--sarahtales

(no subject)

"Do you just sit there in your office and pull numbers out of your ass? Also, ew, I don't want any numbers that were inside your ass."

--valerie_z, concerning a billing problem. (From a locked post. Qouted with permission.)
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
practically perfect in every way [ja]

(no subject)

And then there's politics and family. There's always politics and family.

Just had a realization. You see, my cousin T----- is studying at the police academy right now. Hmm. This'll put a damper on my civil disobedience.

Can't you just visualize it?

T: What're you doing?
Sofie: Oh, nothing, really.
T: You're sure?
Sofie: Yeah, quite sure.
T: You're on the ground. In front of the cars. Holding a hand-painted sign saying "No war for oil".
Sofie: Yes?
T: Do you want me to arrest you?
Sofie: Oh no. You could join me.

Um. Yes. This has happened. Just without the cousin as policeman thing.


From the wonderful lattara

Quoted with permission.
  • Current Music
    The TV randomly blaring
K: Smile, K: Personal, K: My Friends Rock, Smile!, K: Sophie

(no subject)

Now, I have my expensive Mexican food on the way and then Lake Placid and Anaconda are on TV tonight, one after the other. ...yes, yes, they're stupid oversized-animal horror movies, but maybe if I wish hard enough, the snake will actually get JLo this time >.>

-- canadabear

(no subject)

"Oh would to god - Father Zeus, Athena, and lord Apollo - not one of all these Trojans could flee his death, not one, no Argive either, but we [Achilles and Patroclus] could stride from the slaughter so we could bring Troy's hallowed crown of towers toppling down around us - you and I alone!"
Clearly what he really wishes for is a world containing nothing but himself and his own glory, for Patroclus, whom he now sends out in his own armor, he regards as a part of himself. This solipsistic dream of glory - "everybody dead but us two," as a scandalized ancient commentator summarized it - so offended the great Alexandrian scholar Zenodotus that he condemned the lines as the work of an interpolator who wished to inject into the Iliad the later Greek idea (for which the text gives no warrant) that Achilles and Patroclus were lovers.

Yes, centuries ago at the great Library at Alexandria, people were going "OMG TEH HOT BOYSEX IT IS SO CANON!" "IS NOT IS NOT U R DELUSIONAL!"

Ah, fandom wankery. Your history is long and glorious.

- mirabellawotr
spn - brother times

(no subject)

From ursulav, who's been doing a lot of gardening lately:

There was so much pollen, in fact, that by the end, my mouth was dry and gritty with chartreuse gunk (not that it was chartreuse at that point, but y'know.) I could feel the grit.

And since I know what pollen IS, this naturally left me with the unavoidable and disturbing feeling that I had somehow accidentally performed oral sex on a tree.

I like to think I'm a reasonably well adjusted individual, but some things are just wrong.
I love the world (xkcd)

(no subject)

"Not knowing any Spanish, Lieutenant Asshat just asked me when Cinco de Mayo was.

"I said, 'It's May fifth. I learned that from Sesame Street. I believe that was the episode Big Bird got wasted and puked in Oscar's garbage can.'"

--the always hilarious apocalypsos
  • kieri

Bored Tech Support Strikes Back

From wonderwombat:

No WMD found.

I entertained myself in 'training' (it deserves the quotation marks) today by creating a test case on the training server.

Customer's Name: George Bush
Issue: No WMD found.
Added hardware/software: WMD?
Troubleshooting:
VC is getting an error message -- 'No WMD found.'
VC insists the WMD file is there.
Checked product specs -- WMD did not ship with this model.
VC insists he knows it is there.
Did a msconfig. No WMD in msconfig. The VC is impatient, and refuses to believe the list of start-up items.
Patiently explained to VC that although some forms of software are indeed annoying, I would not list any of them among the axis of evil.
VC wishes to take drastic action. Explained that installing another OS on the computer in order to eradicate WMD and the system that created them would void his warranty.
VC is worried that the WMD (which is apparently there) will compromise the security of his network.
Explained to VC that I did not believe hitting the tower repeatedly with a hammer would help.
Explained patiently to VC that I did not believe replacing the harddrive would return peace and order to his computer, and that I believe he had insufficient technological knowledge for what he proposed.
Sending VC a set of recovery CDs.

(Sadly, this is not all that far off some of my actual calls.)