April 2nd, 2004

kiss me again

Real tales of an abused Intellectual (who can cook, mind you)

"John Barth, but he's not related to Roland? Ok... Lost in the Funhouse... what's that about? Helen and Menelaus and Proteus? All right... Umberto Eco? Oh, I read him when I was 13... yes, I guess that is unusual... The Crying of Lot 49? And her name is Oedipa? And Derrida, analyzing Plato?House of Leaves? Which has a minotaur? No, not really? Oh. But sort of? But the beatniks are not postmodern? Post-modern? Oh, pomo, yes, that makes me sound 'in the know,' doesn't it? Wait...some beats are 'pomo?' Like the ones who quote Heraclitus and Empedocles and wrote After Anacreon? Just not Ginsberg or Kerouac? Oh, because they're beyond 'movement.' My mistake. Unreliable narrator? Like Chaucer, you mean? Meta-text, meta-narrative, meta-fiction, meta-meta-what? Well, you know, Euripides was retelling folk tales with a feminist bent in the 5th c. BC... sorry, I didn't mean to... no, you're right, the classics are all about dead white men and I shouldn't bring my elitist snobbery into the classroom... yes, 50 push-ups seems fair..."</p>

catvalente, read the whole entry.

flowers that last forever

(no subject)

What I actually said:
This weekend also involves more quality time at the SAC, from what I understand some drinking, a movie, studying like mad, some cleaning, some fish, and a varity of other things that could prove fun.

The comment by friendpersondan:
I swear to god I thought you said that one of the things you had to do was 'cleaning some fish,' and then I immediately got this picture of you scrubbing a fish with a soapy brush while it tried to swim away. It was hilarious. I think you should do it.
  • Current Music
    John Cougar Mellencamp - Hurts So Good

(no subject)

"I got "nee-ner-na-boo-boo" from Maddy, who has recently learned that if you and your best friend put on lots of lipstick and then procede to kiss your white kitten, you get a pink kitten, a lesson that I trust will serve her well in later life."


  • Current Mood
    chipper chipper
how do they rise

(no subject)

"You know, they're right. God didn't make Adam and Steve, He made Adam and Eve.

Of course, then they made Cain and Abel, so maybe He just wanted some incest in His gay porn.

Okay, see now I'm just trying to be smited."

  • Current Mood
    amused snickering
brides of dracula

Memo to Crevette's Uterus

Read the entire post here


"Female Reproductive Organs (Henceforth called FROs) and their duties:

C. In times of Irene suffering great stress and instability, you may be called upon to cause Irene even greater stress by skipping your monthly menstrual cycle for a period of no less than three weeks and no greater than sixteen weeks. You are to perform this duty no less than three times a year. This will result in Irene having complete and utter panic attacks on a normal basis. Due to her lack of exercise, this is necessary to keep her heart at its aerobic best.

1. In case of the possibility that Irene's husband (aka sperm donor) gets a vasectomy, you will be required to cause Irene stress in other ways. Since she will no longer be concerned that she might be pregnant except for the slight worry of picking up free range sperm from a filling station toilet seat or a psychosomatic (note emphasis on 'psycho') pregnancy from her many deeply disturbing and naughty erotic dreams about Orlando Bloom, there must be some other way to make her miserable. The board suggests excessive bloating, mood swings, exceedingly painful ovulation, cramping that makes her curl up into a fetal position and cry like a girl and breasts that are so sensitive that her nipples can sense changes in barometric pressure and predict incoming storms."

....by crevette
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

Finally! A solution!

(This is my first post here. Hi.)

homersonic proposes the following solution to losing American lives in Iraq and elsewhere:

I want to get them home as soon as humanly possible.

So here is my plan.

It's gonna take a lot of money, which we've never been afraid to lay out for worthwhile causes, and a lot of effort. But we're America, and we can do anything, right?

So here is the idea: Walt Disney's Dictator World.

Read the whole thing; it's hilarious. In a kind of sad way. But mostly hilarious. There are bobbleheads.
  • Current Music
    Grunt: Cogitatio in Horreo (Meditation in the barn)
how do they rise

(no subject)

From a comment on a (locked) TrollPrincess post with permission, asking for people to relate weird and unusual stories:

...It happened when I was a kid in high school in the late 70's. I had bought my dad a Superman tee shirt for Father's Day and he was wearing it on the job. He used to hang garage doors and fix their motors for a living. We're talking HUGE garage doors, like the ones on firehouses and warehouses, 40 feet tall or more. Some of the warehouses were in really bad neighborhoods, like on the Brooklyn docks, which is where my dad was working that day. A crazy looking, creepy guy shambled over and picked up my dad's tool box, with a couple of thousand dollars' worth of tools in it. My dad stopped him. The guy said, "I just want to borrow it!" My dad said he couldn't, and to clear out. The guy pulled a gun on him. He was really quite high, and seemed to have trouble aiming it, but his intent was pretty clear from the string of dirty words that streamed out of his mouth at that point. My dad ripped open his "Thompson's Overhead Door" mechanic's shirt to reveal the Superman logo'd tee shirt underneath. He said, "You can't shoot me, the bullets will just bounce off!" The guy stared at him in horror for a moment, said, "You're an even crazier bastard than I am!", dropped the toolbox and shambled away.

My dad was saved by genre!

  • Current Mood
    amused amused


Me, my room-mate, Chris and his girlfriend; Vicky were thinking the exact same thing when we heard the new Firestone Tires slogan during a commercial on t.v. last night...

"When The Rubber Meets The Road."

Come on, don't tell me you didn't get the mental image of a couple of post-horny teenagers tossing a used condom out the window of a car?