Metaquotes

"Presenter: “I’m telling you right now that there is actually a bed inside this bag.”
“Random” Home-owner: “Are you telling me there is really a bed inside that bag?”
Duh.
I mean, I knew the Americans* were ridiculously stupid, but I hadn’t realized that they’d sunk that low.

*I’m talking about the Americans that participate in home shopping programs and the like. So don’t get all righteous and start bombing the hell out of our country, orright? I really cannot be blamed for thinking this about the American general populace, due to some of the stuff the Americans have actually come up with at times in history. Things like fireproof matches and the fact that a university once sponsored a scientist who found out that cat’s urine glows under black light don’t help your case one bit, I’m afraid. At any rate, I like my country un-cratered and my offspring un-mutated, so put the weapons of mass destruction that you were going to plant in Iraq down and step away from the podium.~~madamenilef

MUSYC, a woman for whom sable, ebony, jet, and noir are plenty of color varieties, is putting a load of laundry into the washing machine.
MOM walks past the room.

MOM: Are you going to have room left?
MUSYC, peering into the machine: Looks like it.
MOM: You washing lights or darks?

--from ldymusyc's LJ.

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IvyDamned (3:58:18 AM): In June 5, 1995, scientist C.W. Moeliker of Natuurmuseum Rotterdam recorded the first known incident of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard duck.
softcorecannibal (3:59:38 AM): I love you, take me home.

--from luciusmalfoy's LJ.

nedroid: Anyway. I've never worked in a retail store, but whenever someone mentions a "mystery shopper" I always picture someone coming up to the checkout wearing a hooded robe with question marks all over it, and maybe their face is blurred out like on TV. Is this not accurate?

bellapalmera: a mystery shopper is someone who looks like a normal shopper but they're really working for some sort of universal shopping authority and they're really judging how you do your job, so you never know who they are or when they're coming.

nedroid: Oh.

That's less mysterious than I had imagined.


-- in customers_suck

"I demand reparation for all my crippled ancestors who died at the hands of the physically abled.

I calculate that price to be that of a Dual-G5 tower. :)" ~ from jarodrussell's journal, here.

"And what should happen on the way to work as two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided out the front of the local library. I must say Im aghast, amazed, astonished, astounded, bemused, benumbed, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dazzled, disconcerted, disoriented, dumbstruck, electrified, flabbergasted, horrified, immobilised, incredulous, nonplussed, overwhelmed, paralysed, perplexed, scared, shocked, startled, stunned, stupefied, surprised, taken aback, traumatised, upset..." ~ from marielogan's journal, here.

"I have just gotten off the bus after sitting next to the most acrid stench on legs. He gently inserted himself onto the seat next to me and curled up, stirring the air around him to reveal a fresh smell. Oh no, fresh was only the wrapping. When his vapors and gases fully reached my olfactory receptors, the nerves were lambasted by the combination of
1) Stale ciragettes
2) Recent cigarettes
3) Halitosis
4) Aged down jacket
Luckily God was with me on that bus and provided some mysterious air current flowing 2 inches off of the window pane. I looked very interested in the moving scenery for a long part of the ride."

~archangela

cuileann commenting on this horrible fanfic in deleterius.


I was once "friends" with a girl who was convinced her stories had to be full of TEH ANGST!1 but HAWT!!1 gay guys: 1.) having sex, 2.) Getting the shit beaten out of them (by parents, siblings, pets, whatever) for being gay, or 3.) Angsting while one and two happen, usually at the same time. That's basically all she wrote. Because, you know, that's not cliche or anything.

And she wrote "serious" poetry. You know, the kind that angsts about your doomed romance with your trisexual-homophobic-catonic-crossdressing lover by comparing it to a Warhol painting that is torn apart by black monkeys clog dancing with golf shoes on.

This link

Two weirdos speculate on how Nightcrawler / Jason Vorhees slashfic would go. Fairly long, full of many graphic phrases.

Plus a bonus worksafe pic at the end you have to see to believe.

I am a veritable cornucopia of historical knowledge. The world is my oyster, and Parnell is my bitch. My knowledge cannot be contained within the confines of my mind - it extends beyond my very body; an aura, if you will, of Home Rule Bills, Land Acts, Obstructionism and Coercion. Such is the extent of my knowledge that, if I jumped off a cliff right now, I am confident it would form some sort of protective cocoon around me, and float me safely to the ground. Or at least form some sort of knowledgeblob to cushion my landing.
copinggoggles has been studying a lot.

From mob_psychology

I would like to make one point, though - if there's anything good to come of this situation, it's that she's abandoned her big "Let's adopt a CHILD and raise it like wolves as our own!" idea in lieu of the new "Let's become alpaca farmers and live on a mountain!" spiel.
Children or alpacas? I'll take alpacas for 300, Alex. Who says my mom isn't handling her menopausal mid-life crisis gracefully? Oh yeah, that was me.

From the journal of cairtirnin.

"Man, there should be strippers at Tupperware parties..."

cali: so where did you get all that money!?! tell me now before i cover you in curry! ::threatens with yogurt curry::
li: ::changes subject:: mm this curry is good..
cali: wtf dude! just tell me where you got the money
li: prostitution. from any guy i can get it from. standing there on the cold street corner
::pause in conversation::
li: it's a hard life...
cali:STFU!!!! where did you get it!?

--takokami
here

from discworld_rpg:

We’re happy in our insanity – what?
You think that there should be a plot?
--not_a_pirate's poem-thingy about the RPers.

ganked from the wonderful journal of babycola

A strange dyke once told me that if you go down on a chick with a yeast infection, although I can't imagine why anyone would, the next day you'll wake up with fat puffy lips not unlike Angelina Jolie's. Regardless whether or not it's actually true I still value this information and plan to pass it on to my children. I also think about it whenever I see Miss Jolie and that famous swollen mouth of hers.

Words to live by (bi)?

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--from this post, which also contains amusing commentary on geography.