Amanda Sharpe (amandathegreat) wrote in metaquotes,
Amanda Sharpe

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Hurrah for King James.

fmith had an interesting history lesson. Locked post, but she really really really wanted it metaquoted so I should think that counts as permission, yes?

Okay, so James thought he had Divine Right, which means he thought he was a god, or at least appointed by God (sound like anybody else you know?), so he could do whateverthefuck he wanted. He thought he was above the law, blah blah blah. Okay, still pretty much just a dude. Not nearly as rockin' a ruler as Elizabeth was, but whatever.

James is possibly a closet Catholic, says Parliament, oh noes. This whole "going against the king = not just treason but heresy, bitches" thing is kind of Catholic, OMG. The Puritans aren't too pleased either. They hateses the Catholics, precious. Whatever. It's an absolute monarchy, or I guess if you're James, a theocracy. Deal.

But James I is just a little more fucked up than that, says fmith's history teacher. Oh yes. His mom was Mary Queen of Scots, and if that doesn't send off little warning bells in you head, the fact that she married her cousin Lord Darnley should. So when Mary was pregnant, she hung out in the countryside of England, staying in bed and dictating letters to this Italian dude. Lord Darnley thought that maybe there was a little sumpin' sumpin' goin' on besides letters, so he comes over to Mary's place and is all "Yo, where's the Italian punk?" The Italian punk is under the bed, but Mary is all "I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE HE IS OMG OMG." Darnley flips, like totally fucking flips, and he and his boys stab the Italian punk OVER 120 TIMES. IN MARY'S BEDROOM. IN FRONT OF HER. Ooookay then.

Mary is just a little bit pissed about all of this. She goes to her boy Bothwell and says "Yo, if you kill my husband I'll marry you." Okay, let's take a break right here. If I were Bothwell? I WOULD JUST BE A TINY BIT NERVOUS ABOUT GETTIN' WITH MARY. We learned last class that she was a total hottie, though, so I guess I can see where he's coming from. Bothwell goes and blows up Darnley's house in the middle of the night. (Later, he goes around the Scottish court all "Yo, I totally blew up Lord Darnley, guys," so yeah, he's toast.) The Scottish court realizes that Mary is kinda fucked up, so they send her away to England, where she gets even more fucked up and gets her flirt on some more. They leave behind her son James I, who is like one year old, and not quite fucked up like his parents. Yet.

But, see, James is a king, so he gets whatever the fuck he wants, even when he's, like, three. He wants a cookie? THE BOY GETS A COOKIE. He wants a hundred cookies? HE GETS A HUNDRED COOKIES. He's the fucking king of Scotland, okay? He hears these stories about his parents at court, too, like "Hey James, guess what? Your dad? TOTALLY stabbed this guy over 120 times and then got blown up. And your mom? Total MILF by the way, dude. Yeah, your mom? She, like, went to England and got her head chopped off. Isn't that cool?" Also, nobody knows if he's Catholic or Protestant because his parents were split on the whole religion thing, so people keep trying to kill him. Conclusion? James is nuts.

But that's not all, says fmith's history teacher, who is getting more awesome by the minute. Oh no. James I has a total obsession with witchcraft and witchhunting and the like. He thinks witches are out to get him. He totally wants to burn them all, and it's like the Salem witch trials, but not really. Also, he's obsessed with demons. He's, like, some kind of expert, and he wrote a three volume book on demons. Oookay. Apparently, James will be at Parliament (and this was not a very good relationship James had with Parliament, y'all) and the dudes will be all "Yo James, we gotta pass this bill to clean up the streets in the 'hood, man" and then James will go "Hey, yeah, that sounds cool, but you know what sounds cooler? DEMONS. Read my book, bitches."

Now we get to the good part. James I had these guys at court called "favorites," and I am getting a bigger and bigger grin as I take notes in class, because I discussed this with darthmaligna a while back. (Next to this section in my notes it says "HOYAY!!" in big letters.) They were really pretty and according to my history teacher they liked getting dressed up more than killing people, so yeah, everybody thought they were totally gay. James would drink and play cards and sometimes pass out in the same bed with them. Hee. At this point, one of the girls in my history class raises her hand and is all "Um... was James... gay?" I snicker. But my history teacher RUINS THE MOMENT by being all, "People thought he might have been. But it's likely that he wasn't." MY FACE FALLS. I promise myself that I will do research and bring my shit into class tomorrow and totally own like the history dork I am.

So. Yes. People are starting to think, "hey, maybe the crazy runs in the family?" To which we all say, "WELL, GEE." Jimmy's son, Charles can't do anything weird for the rest of his life, which kind of sucks for him, because people will be all "OMG UR HOLE FAMILY IZ CRAZEE!!11"
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