naamah_darling writeshere about what a drag it is to be on the rag. I have put it behind a subheading because it's rather explicit, but I highly recommend that you read the entire entire. It's REALLY funning.
This ritual, which I suppose all women must perform, is a neverending source of frustration and dread to me. I once more faced the Aisle Of The Damned. The first assault was visual, my retinas were swiftly overwhelmed with packages colored garish, Barbie-pink, soothing aqua, lively yellow, or forebrain-searing turquoise. The second assault was olfactory. Whatever unholy perfume they hose those things down with is second in offensiveness only to baby products.
I think they should include a surprise in each package, like a secret decoder ring, and print cryptic messages on the backs of the pull-strips that you can decode while you sit there on the toilet at 5 in the morning with cramps and nothing to read. And if you save UPC symbols and mail in your $3.95 shipping, they'll send you something cool. Like, 20 UPCs would get you a book of erotica.
50 would net you a really kick-ass waterproof vibrator.
200 would net you a personal visit from the male of your choice, who would, on bent knee, apologize on behalf of his whole gender for not having to suffer the affliction of The Monthlies, after which he'd fix a three-course Italian dinner, bake brownies, give you a full-body massage, fuck you heroically, and then, if you were having a very, very bad month for cramps, he might allow you to kick him in the nuts. Just a little. He'd go limping out about the time your girlfriends arrive with Heath Ledger DVDs, allowing them to snicker at his plight before diving into the brownies, which ought to be cool enough to eat by then.
No, I am not angry at men. I just hate the way that they smirk smugly and say "well, cramps may be bad, but you can't get kicked in the balls."
Buddy, you don't get a three-day knock in the cluster every month. Guys can go for months, nay, years without a good kick in the balls. So can it and fetch me the remote. Knight's Tale is on.
And while you're up, bring me some of those goddamn brownies.