Arriving at O'Hare, I realized that I'd lost my boarding pass. having seen one too many episodes of Airline, I allowed this to make me exceedingly paranoid and started planning for what I would do if trapped in Chicago for any length of time with $30 and no clean underwear. I headed over to my gate, which was like unto the very tomb. I then wandered around until I spotted some dude in uniform behind a counter.
"Excuse me," I said, "I was-"
"I'm not an agent!" he shrieked, ducking behind the counter in a flurry of papers and making the sign of the cross.
"Um, I was just wonder-"
"I'M NOT AN AGENT! I CAN'T HELP YOU!" he wailed, waving a fistful of religious symbols at me and urinating submissively.
I walked away in bemusement. Behind me I heard another lost traveler asking "I wonder if you can help me?" and the uniformed dude weeping.