[Note: this is not meant to offend anyone, I swear. I thoroughly respect everyone who believes in any of the things I pretended to believe in in this entry, and my phrasing is exaggerated on purpose. To each his own, and I mean that. This is purely a response to a meme further down in my journal, in which my friends were encouraged to write an LJ entry I would never, ever write. I thought I'd give them something to live up to.]
Today, after a long discussion with God about the right path and how I can help Jesus in his missive to spread world peace and eliminate herpes, I have decided to commit myself to a pure life. I will give up the bad words, the naughty sex, and the evil homosexual thoughts. Also, I've decided to become a baseball fan, and to finally come clean about something that has been plaguing me for a long time: I have had extremely visceral sexual fantasies about Orlando Bloom and several hobbits. I would still have them if I had not given up all of my impurities earlier this morning.
I think that voting for Mr. W. Bush will improve my chances of going to heaven, and I'm going to enlist to make sure that the terrorists (including those morally bankrupt Dutch we always hear about in the media) don't harm the mother country anymore. It's become my life goal to save the whales, and to ban smoking in all public areas, including any house I visit. I also want to commit myself to removing all women from politics, because it's clear they lack the brain capacity to function in the same rational way that all men do. I will also be give up punctuation, as grammar is just unnecessary and God wants me to be more direct in my worship, which prevents the use of periods and apostrophes.
i will now remove all pictures of dirty naked women from my room and play a hymn on my guitar