mr five dollar foot long's sweet caboose (snacky) wrote in metaquotes,
mr five dollar foot long's sweet caboose

Over on fandom_wankwankprophet has 10 Unpopular Fannish Opinions - for Dr. Suess Fandom:

I) The fish in The Cat in the Hat was not a well-rounded individual. Twenty couplets of mommy issues do not a three-dimensional character make. So the next time I hear about how the fish isn't really evil and your interpretation of him is as valid as mine and that having the fish stab the Cat in the Hat to death in his sleep is canonically-plausible, I'm gonna flame you like Richard Simmons meeting a Backstreet Boy. In fact, I wish all you fanfic writers would stop trying give depth to characters that, in general, are as profound as Ronald McDonald Horton hears a fucking "who", not a "who will relieve me of my agony, allow my dark sperm to burst forth in an ecstasy of subverted desire?" So if you find yourself writing drabble about Horton's necro-political longings, stop right there and beat your hands with a ruler until they're willing to quit writing that stuff. The Hortons in "Horton Hears a Who" and "Horton Lays an Egg" are the same damned obsessive-compulsive elephant with gender-identity issues. There's no character development whatsoever. Capisce?

II) Stop making such a big deal about incest...cause, let's face it, almost every human in the Suess canon looks exactly alike. Wanna know why? Cause they're the exact same person!!!!eleventy-one11!! Jeesuz. So when Zookeeper McGrew screws you know who (with the bad hair-do) anew in the loo, there's a word for it, a word most of you Suess-fic writers should be intimately familiar with: masturbation.

III) When a Whoop-dee-la-coo humps a Neener in his third mouth, you've crossed the line. Neener's are canonically incompatible with Whoop-dee-la-coos (I mean, their mouths are the wrong fucking shape!) The same goes for Malakumps and Creechee-nobs -- the fact that a Creechy-nob has three dicks and a Malakump only has one orifice should clue you in. So when writing sexually deviant Seuss pairings, show a little common sense. I don't care what Suessical the Musical depicted, there's nothing canon about a Derrywheezer doing the Horizontal Moonwalk with all the Whos of Whoville...cause, scale? that's definitely an issue. Broadway can screw up canon all it wants, but those reviewers raving about the "raw animal sexuality" obviously never read the books.

IV) Once and for all, just because you don't think there are any interesting Who characters doesn't mean you're right. Especially if you're identifying with the fucking Grinch just because he has the same dental work as you. It's a double standard...when Cindy Lou Who carves the Roast Beast, she's a bitch trying to take over the ceremony. When the Grinch carves it, he's being assertive and showing the depths of his redemption.

V) Making up words has a place in Suess fic. Even Suess did it. So stop complaining that when I use the word "comfuckuleate" or "nastyrorious," that these aren't real words and you don't know what they mean. After all, do you really know what Barthelomew's "oobleck" was? I mean, it was like green sperm or something. Falling from the sky. Try to explain that, if you will.

VI) The "pretty" and "true love" are ridiculous concepts in Suess-fic...have you noticed that everyone in the Suess books is ugly as sin and looks like s/h/it was processed by Play-doh manufacturers? And the only time "love" appears in a Dr. Seuss book is when some little boy is mentally-masturbating over owning some freakshow animal: "And then I'd love/ To own a Dick-Sucking-Pluv." So...puh-leeze!

VII) I don't care how shallow you try to make it, "Yertle the Turtle" will always be a deep philosophical work. If you had any talent, you'd be writing your own nonsense rather than trying to make Yertle into a comical character. Yeah, I know, dark Angsty!Yertle is cheap is pure lowbrow melodrama, but trying to force humor on the idea of a mile-high stack of turtles is just plain wrong. It's not funny, people. Stop thinking you're better than the rest of us just because you write it as a comedy. Oh, and Hop on Pop is just abusive. Abuse is not a synonym for "hawt_and_funny_S&M_sexx." Deal with it. Oh, and I'm not impressed with those of you who call The Cat in the Hat Le Chat Chapeaute just because the French sound silly so you think that'll make your story funnier.

VIII) I just want to say this now -- I'm sick of reading countless starbelly Sneetche/plainbelly Sneetches fic where the authors all seem to be so damned proud of their pairing. Read my lips: this pairing is not only pure canon, they've been slashed a million times before. Just because you create an entirely new position for them to snoogle in doesn't mean you're doing anything that isn't a rehash. If I have to read one more story that includes the linea "the plainbelly Sneetch rubbed his bitch on the beach, everywhere he could reach, his fuzz like a sweet peach, and finally ended up sensually stroking that beautiful star...." I' going to throw something at my monitor. Oh, and just so you understand: I've never seen a fandom take such a powerful allegory for racism and intolerance and reduce it to tripe with so little effort.

IX) Okay, next time I see a Suess-fic written in a trochee septameter variant of blank verse rather than short rhyming couplets with bad rhythm, I'm going to report the author to the Institute of Not Getting the Fucking Point of Suess. Lemmee guess: what you saw on Mulberry Street was a damned Shakespeare festival, right?

X) I'm amused by so many people suddenly "discovering" canon. They've been writing about purple eggs and ham for years and now they suddenly start raving about the canonical "green eggs and ham?" I mean, I had to suffer through "I will not masticate / Pink eggs, and masturbate/I will not do it, Kate-I-Hate." You used up your "Get-out-of-Jail-Free" card long ago. And I still haven't forgiven Ana and Cesare for their little Thing1 and Thing2 role-playing slash thing. Seriously, it's just creepy and not-at-all canon...and now they're claiming they were just "friends" all along?!?
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