Harry Potter appears on the scene, hunched beneath his covers.
ladyjaida: Oh, I get it. He's masturbating.
ladyjaida: And his wand is an extension of his little pubescent boy penis! And the light signifies he is coming of age in the Wizarding World! And the last burst of blinding light is Cuaron's way of--
tinny_waltz: Hooray, it's Hedwig!
Remus figures now's the time he should pretend to wake up and acts like a superhero -- thus fostering the possibility of a hit comic strip for the future called "TWEEDMAN." Harry faints for the first time, but certainly not the last. All fades into darkness, an effect we're all going to become real familiar with in the next two hours. When he wakes up, Remus is sitting across from him, looking more like TWEEDMAN's secret alias, Tweedman. Remus offers Harry chocolate for the first time, but certainly not the last. Harry, because he never had a mommy, immediately takes candy from a stranger.
In any case, more stuff happens amidst the HOMOSEXUAL lurking in the corners. They reveal the truth about Peter Pettigrew, Snape busts in, has some unresolved sexual tension with Sirius, has some unresolved sexual tension with Remus, and waves his wand around like its on Wand-Viagra. Look. See? He's got the wand, Sirius. He's got the wand and you've got twelve years of prison gay.
Remus nances around like a namby-pamby fruitcake, though he looks more curious about Snape's wand than he looks intimidated by it. Snape points out to everyone in the audience who's a little slow on the uptake that Sirius and Remus are HOMOSEXUALS. And he can tell because he, too, is a HOMOSEXUAL.
tinny_waltz: Okay. You know what, they're kinda gay.
Sirius and Harry run off into the woods, where the Dementors at last get back from Dunkin' Donuts and get cracking. Harry's wand needs some of Snape's Wand-Viagra. It fires a few blanks and then fizzles into general adolescent impotence once more. Sirius and Harry sprawl out in aesthetically pleasing poses, ready to die.
Harry: I'm the King of the World!
James Cameron: I FUCKING HATE YOU, ALFONSO CUARON.