Pat Robertson's Meeting With God...Doesn't Go How He Wants It
Pat: My LORD, I am HERE to reCEIVE my just REWARD!
God: WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?
Pat: Why, my Lord, I am Pat Robertson! I tirelessly did your work and preached your word all my life! I'm your Number One Fan!
God: NO, SORRY, NOT RINGING ANY BELLS. MAYBE WE MET DOING TSUNAMI RELIEF IN 2004?
Pat: No, my Lord, I know that's a trick question. You sent that wave to punish the heathens and their immorality!
God: I DID? HUH. DID WE MEET DOING AID WORK AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA?
Pat: Why, no, God, I couldn't help those people! That hurricane was a judgment on the wicked!
God: MAYBE I SAW YOUR NAME ON THE RED CROSS DONATIONS LIST FOR HAITI?
Pat: But they made a pact with the DEVIL!
God: YOU KNOW, PAT, ALL THE PEOPLE TOO EVIL FOR YOU TO HELP WERE BROWN-SKINNED. ISN'T THAT A FUNNY COINCIDENCE?
Pat: That's not true! I also condemned the gays and pointed out that AIDS was your plague on their child-molesting ways.
Pat: *beams* So you SEE, I have COME to take my rightful PLACE at your right HAND!
God: ABOUT THAT...YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY COME IN.
Pat: What? You mean you want me to take Saint Peter's place, deciding who comes in and who stays out? I can do that! I have a very clear understanding on the sort of riff raff we shouldn't let in! You can trust me not to let the sinners in, Lord!
God: WELL, NO, APPARENTLY YOU DON'T. BECAUSE *YOU* ARE THE SORT OF RIFF RAFF WE DON'T LET IN. REMEMBER ALL THAT HATE, ALL THAT JUDGMENT YOU PREACHED?
Pat: Absolutely! It came straight from the Bible.
God: YOU KEEP USING THAT BOOK. I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.
Pat: You quote "The Princess Bride"?
God: I WROTE "THE PRINCESS BRIDE".
Pat: I think I'm starting to understand.
God: LITTLE TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW. YOU'RE HEADED DOWNSTAIRS. OH, AND TELL FALWELL TO STOP STALKING ME ON FACEBOOK. IT'S CREEPY AND I'M NOT GOING TO FRIEND HIM BACK.
It is with things like this that I amuse myself when the anger over words like his threatens to consume me.