(...) You know, I read once that the Ancient Egyptians, in their hieroglyphs about dismembered gods and weirdly erotic poetry, don't seem to have had a word for virgin. The concept doesn't feature in the work they handed down to us. Marriage features, divorce features, infidelity features, but they don't seem to have really devoted the energy to a word that meant a person who's never had sex. I like that. I seriously do. It's fun for me to just contemplate. What is a culture like if they don't have a word for virginity? Well, like the Ancient Egyptians, and I don't think I would want to go back there, but as a thought experiment, it's still cool. And a part of me wishes we could be like that. We could just do away with the word. We could look at the concept being something of note as silly. Can you imagine that? Talking to someone like that?
"Hey, are you a virgin?"
"Y'know, someone who hasn't had sex yet?"
"Oh? With who?"
That would rock.
"Well, it looks like I'm going to stay a virgin with you."
Yeah, that would be awesome. Of course, that's not going to happen. Hell, even if I did have the ability to erase vocabulary and concepts from our language and culture, as stupid as virginity is, it wouldn't be in my top three. It probably wouldn't be in the top ten. With words like "uppity" floating around out there, virginity is probably pretty safely ensconced behind the frontline, where no one is going to attack and get rid of it.
But that's okay. Because I have found a resolution to my angst over being a virgin, or not, or being one again (...because let's face it, if you get your virgin card back if you go too long without a visit to the Department of Sex With Other People, I should be getting mine in the mail any day now), and I think it's a pretty happy one. So here it is: If you have seen Labyrinth, then you are not a virgin. In fact, if you've seen Labyrinth, then you never were a virgin. It's the power of David Bowie's Area that, even through a recording, even in a family friendly movie, it can reach out and completely burn your virginity from the fabric of space and time. If you ever will see the movie Labyrinth, then you're not a virgin on credit, because your virginity will be retroactively destroyed in the future. In short, the moment that David Bowie appeared in that movie, in those tights, his Area became super powered, and devirginized the entire world. Such is the great and dangerous strength of The Area. The only reason that no true sequel to Labyrinth has been made is because the Jim Henson Co. feared what they might unleash on the world next time. First our virginities, next time... the world? We might all have been reduced to some kind of hedonistic goblin orgying post-apocalyptic society. The Area is a true Pandora's Box. Virginity was only one casualty to its influence.
Oh, c'mon. You have to admit, it makes as much sense as anything.
sarolynne hates the concept of "virgin".
- a Very Logical Solution to the problem of defining "virgin"