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Pulp Fiction, as performed by the King's Men
Internet is a Drunk Librarian - Cat and
darthparadox wrote in metaquotes
ceruleanst gives us two passages of William Shakespeare's Pulp Fiction:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

J: And know'st thou what the French name cottage pie?
V: Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?
J: But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.
V: What say they then, pray?
J: Hachis Parmentier.
V: Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?
J: Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.
V: What do they name black pudding?
J: I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.


J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

Context will know my name is the LORD.

was one of the most amazing and awesome things I have ever read.

Freaking. BRILLIANT.

I am damn-near helpless with laughter at the moment. My co-workers are giving me seriously weird looks. OMFG it is the Best Day Ever.

I fear the internet shall soon explode, for surely it cannot contain this much win.


OMG, this is amazing. XD

That's incredible.

This is funny stuff!!!

I approve of this.

Nice usage of middle-english, excellent job sticking to iambic pentameter...

Oh, yeah, funny, too.

I'm such a nerd.

That's still modern English.

That is absolutely fantastic

can't... breathe... too... much... laughter... *wheeze*

Wow. Thanks to the poster, and congratulations to the writer.

wow that icon is awesome XD.
no where else could Joss Whedon in Green Make up = so much win.

Where does ceruleanst live, that I may deliver unto them a shiny internet, and perhaps cookies?

I'm trying to bend something around the lines, "Didst thou a sign behold anent this house/Whereon was writ, 'Dead blackamoors stor'd here'?" but it's not coming.

XD truly a masterpiece. The win, it is epic.

OMG that is also amazing.

That was basically brilliant.

I really have to watch Pulp Fiction sometime...

Oh my god oh my yes yes yes YES. *dead*

I am very impressed. Splendidly done.


My sinuses would like to thank you for the diet cola bath this gave them this morning...

OT, but I love your icon. What does the "Match it" refer to?

Oooooooh. I wanna see this on stage.

I, too, would dearly love (and cry for laughing) to see this on a stage.

Is it bad that I'm thinking this is better than the original?

Because I do.

Do not make me lay my hand upon thy cheek... hur hur hur...

And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old Rule 7, stol'n forth of the userinfo;
And seem a saint, when most I play the devil.


Re: Do not make me lay my hand upon thy cheek... hur hur hur...

With but a cut, I hope I rectify
The breach of conduct I had caused before.
If further editing is yet required,
I'll do my best to satisfy the rules.



Especially since I read the whole thing in appropriate voices. SLJ shouting, "HAS HE THE SEMBLANCE OF A HARLOT?!?!" did it for me.


I did that too. FTW. Srsly.

Oh, my god. It's beautiful.

I am in love.

I don't have the words to express how much pure and awesome win this is. Brilliant! :D


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